February 7th marks the beginning of renewed debate in Congress around the Debt Ceiling. Treasury Secretary Jack Lew says if we don’t reach an agreement, he won’t’ be able to pay our bills by the end of the month.
So what happens then?
1. The Debt Pit:
In this scenario, if Congress is unable to set aside their differences, the nation’s entire supply of dollar bills will be herded into a massive hole in ground. Once contained, hundreds of federal musclemen will bash the money with heavy tree branches.
2. The Deficit Volcano:
If America can’t balance its budget, we’ll be forced to sacrifice a lusty virgin and whoever the current Fed chairman is by throwing them into one of Washington D.C.’s 29 active volcanoes.
3. The Financial Miasma:
This noxious, soupy fog would surround Fort Knox, cutting us off from our supply of precious gold.
4. America’s Widening Income Gap:
The Income Gap is a literal crack in the earth is spreading all over the country, swallowing up the nation’s middle class. Do not even look into the income gap – you will fall in.
5. The Money Meteor, a.k.a.’The Cashteroid’:
Fortunately, all of America’s economic woes will briefly be solved after the country is hit by The Money Meteor, AKA The Cashteroid, a giant wad of 100 dollars from outer space. Unfortunately, this densely packed chunk of space money will knock over the Statue of Liberty.
6. Attack of the Loan Sharks:
Next in our financial apocalypse would come the Attack of the Loan Sharks, when anyone who has recently taken out a loan is eaten by a shark.
7. The Credit Crunch:
This reverse Big Bang will implode the entirety of the nation’s credit as well as all other matter in the universe into a single, super-dense particle.
8. …America’s economy will survive…
Don’t worry. The Invisible Hand of the market will guide us through a new Big Bang and billions of years of financial progress until we end up right back in our current state of unchecked prosperity and economic glory.
So bring on the debt ceiling. We have nothing to lose but all of our personal wealth, and the universe as we know it.