Want to win the presidency? Then raise money the American way: Enter a Faustian pact with your shadowy overlords. 
Want to win the presidency? Then raise money the American way: Enter a Faustian pact with your shadowy overlords.  - 
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Campaign season is heating up and any candidate can win — but statistically speaking, the candidate with the most money will win! 

Whether you're running for your local school board or president of the best country on Earth – America?


Here are the tips you'll need to raise a fortune in campaign funds.

The foundation of any political campaign is small donations from ordinary citizens.

These small contributions can really make voters feel involved, which is a crucial illusion for maintaining their support.

It's enough money to be helpful, but not so much money that you'll have to keep your promises to them.

Another traditional way to grow your campaign war chest is to enter into a Faustian pact with an eccentric billionaire. 

These shadowy puppet masters will open their wallets to you — and in return?

All they ask that you totally remake American society in their cartoonish detached image.

But why harangue one donor at a time, when you could pack a banquet hall with hungry, idealistic suckers. Fundraising dinners let you charge $10,000 a plate for eight dollars of veal. 

But what voters are really paying for is the chance to hear you make controversial off-the-cuff comments, like how 20 percent of Americans are evil, or that Heath Ledger wasn't the best Joker.

Still need more cash? You can hold a raffle, a bake sale or the statue of liberty hostage!

Finally, guarantee that you raise more than your opponent the American way — by being born into a wealthy family and groomed to take the power that is your birthright.

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Follow Sam Weiner at @sam_weiner