TEXT OF SKIT
KAI RYSSDAL: It’s pretty much fact of life now that managers and colleagues are going to check Facebook and Twitter to learn more about who their employees really are and how they spend their time. There’s all kinds of information about you out there, just waiting to be discovered. So it can’t possibly be long before banks start using it. Here’s the sketch group Nice Kitchen from the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater.
MALE BANK EMPLOYEE: Allison, I’m afraid that we here at Interglobal Bank have decided to deny your loan.
ALLISON: What? I have good credit. I mean, it’s not perfect, but it’s pretty good.
FEMALE BANK EMPLOYEE: We took a look at your online profile and based on what we saw, our bank is just not comfortable lending you the money.
ALLISON: What do you mean?
MALE BANK EMPLOYEE: Take your Facebook profile, for example. This photo, which appears to have been taken in Myrtle Beach, 2005, captures you motioning to a crowd in a gesture that implies, ‘This round’s on me.’
FEMALE BANK EMPLOYEE: It’s financially irresponsible.
ALLISON: I was in college!
FEMALE BANK EMPLOYEE: Even so, I couldn’t help but notice this wall post: Thanks for last night ;). I think we know what that means, you might have a dependent in your near future. And in these tough economic times, we can’t take that kind of risk.
ALLISON: I really don’t think it’s fair to judge my financial record based on my Facebook profile!
FEMALE BANK EMPLOYEE: Then let’s take a look at your Twitter feed.
MALE BANK EMPLOYEE: @Allison234 is “shopping for shoes.” In fact, in the last three months you’ve mentioned shopping a whopping 50 times.
FEMALE BANK EMPLOYEE: That’s an awful lot of spending for someone who makes $40,000 a year.
ALLISON: I like to talk about fashion!
MALE BANK EMPLOYEE: You’re paying for a Netflix account that hasn’t been active for six months.
ALLISON: How do you even have access to that?
MALE BANK EMPLOYEE: We logged onto your account by guessing your password.
FEMALE BANK EMPLOYEE: It’s your name.
ALLISON: This is ridiculous!
FEMALE BANK EMPLOYEE: Don’t even try to deny it, Allison.
MALE BANK EMPLOYEE: Most importantly, Allison Williams, we can’t grant you a loan because according to a Milwaukee Times article we found on Google, you committed murder in 1998 and are currently serving a life sentence!
ALLISON: That is a different Allison Williams. It’s a fairly common name.
MALE BANK EMPLOYEE: Ah, that makes sense. I was wondering how you’d escaped to come meet with us.
FEMALE BANK EMPLOYEE: Hm. Well, Allison, we may need to reassess your application.
MALE BANK EMPLOYEE: Yes, um, yup.
RYSSDSAL: Phil Eastman, Julie Whitesell and Betsy Sodaro with a laugh or two on a Friday. We’ve got more Upright Citizens Brigade sketches. Here’s one on health insurance. And another featuring “advice” from a hedge fund manager.
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