Dear Microsoft . . .

Rico Gagliano Jun 23, 2006

KAI RYSSDAL: As you might have heard, Bill Gates will be giving up his day job. Gates said last week he’ll leave Microsoft to work with his charitable foundation. We know the company already has someone in mind for the job. But commentator Rico Gagliano thinks he’d be perfect.


RICO GAGLIANO: Dear Sir or Madam:

It was with great interest that I read of the impending resignation of Bill Gates from the position of . . . whatever it is he does at your organization. I am very interested in the job. Please find my resume enclosed.

Though I have never been the head of Microsoft before, I believe I am an outstanding candidate. For instance, unlike most people in the world, I was able to permanently rid my Windows desktop of that stupid cartoon paperclip.

I will bring a unique new vision to your company, based on a business concept I’ve developed called, “IYHAVMOOSSWAFTUYPYSMTPG,” which is the pronounced acronym for “If You Have A Virtual Monopoly On Office Software So Workers Are Forced To Use Your Products, You Should Make The Products Good.”

The revolutionary philosophy behind “IYHAVMOOSSWAFTUYPYSMTPG” involves recognizing that most Microsoft software will be used by human beings. So we must ask ourselves, what do human beings like?

Anyone?

OK, I’ll start: Uhh . . . they like to decide for themselves how letters and memos will be formatted.

They like not to have angry squiggly lines appear under their text when, like Hemingway, they occasionally choose to use a sentence fragment.

So, good, now we know that the Word program will have to be destroyed. Maybe in a big, pretty bonfire. Same with the Windows operating system. Oh, except it doesn’t generally exist in physical form. But we can just send out an Internet virus that’ll disable it. Hey, that already happens every couple of weeks anyway!

As for what we’ll replace these flagship products with? I propose we employ an eight-year-old child, a spider monkey, and some wild jungle pigs to sling mud at keyboards until they randomly generate alternatives. Dollars to donuts they’ll be as good or better than what we’ve got.

Finally, a personal note: isn’t Bill Gates resigning to devote himself to philanthropy? Well, giving me a small fraction of his salary would be a wonderful act of charity. I work in public radio.

Sincerely,

Rico Gagliano.

RYSSDAL: Until he gets that Microsoft job, Rico Gagliano is an associate producer here at Marketplace. And in case you couldn’t tell, when he’s not at work, Rico uses a Mac.

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