RYAN: Bridget, are you sure we’re ready to do a greatest hits episode? I mean, this show isn’t THAT old, we don’t even have THAT many episodes!

BRIDGET: Pish posh, Ryan! It’s never too soon to revisit our favorite economic and finance concepts! Here, do you think this bow tie has enough sequins?

RYAN: Bridget, you know the answer to that. There are never enough sequins. 

BRIDGET: Great! Okay, put this on. And this top hat. I’m going with this sequined poncho. You feel good? You feel ready? 

RYAN: Bridget, since the day we first met at that open casting call in this very theater, I have been waiting for this moment. 

MUSIC: GRAND THEATRICAL MUSIC (Like OPENING NIGHT on APMMUSIC JW_JW_2116_00901) [LOW, IN THE BACKGROUND WHILE BRIDGET AND RYAN ARE OFF STAGE]

BRIDGET: Great, because that’s our cue! Come on! 

PRESENTER: And now, Listeners of all ages, please take your seats and get ready for the hosts of Million Bazillion! Here’s Bridget and Ryan! 

(SFX: CLAPPING, DIPS TO HEAR THEME)

–MILLION BAZILLION THEME–

INTRO

SFX: APPLAUSE CONT.

RYAN: [ANNOUNCING AS IF ON STAGE]  Welcome to Million Bazillion! The show that answers the questions that kids and their families have about money! I’m Ryan! 

BRIDGET: [ANNOUNCING AS IF ON STAGE] And I’m Bridget!  We have a very special episode for you today, Million Bazillionaires! Or should I say, a very musical episode! That’s right, we’re sharing some of the greatest hits from the Million Bazillion songbook! 

RYAN: That’s right, get ready to revisit some of your favorite Million Bazillion tunes. And stay until the very end for an all new, never-before-heard-on-podcast sneak peek at the Million Bazillion Musical, created by some friends of the show! 

BRIDGET:It’s worth the wait! Now, I know we all get excited to learn about money and to get the answers to your questions…adding music just makes that a million bazillion times better, right??

RYAN (SPLIT FROM ABOVE); If you want to sing along, and we know you do, check out the show notes for THIS episode for lyrics! Alright, let’s hit it!

(MUSIC: FADE IN DOO-WOP MUSIC) REPLACE WITH: “Pretty Baby B” from APM MUSIC, extend through first song. 

RYAN: We’re taking a  musical trip down memory lane with some classic Million Bazillion oldie tunes from yesteryear-

BRIDGET: By “yesteryear”, we mean like a year or two ago. Or earlier this year.

RYAN: – because it turns out that when you need to learn something new, sometimes music can really help. Whether that’s listening to music when you’re doing schoolwork, or making up a song to help you remember something. 

BRIDGET: Like remember Ryan, when you first joined Million Bazillion, and we wanted to answer the question, “Why is it so awkward to talk about money?” 

RYAN: Bridget, how could I forget? I asked my close friend, Broadway sensation, Lin Manuel Marimba if he’d write a song for us about how we, as a society don’t talk about money, and Lin agreed. 

BRIDGET: Yeah, and I was like, wait, you’re friends with Lin Manuel Miranda?

RYAN: My friend is Lin Manuel Marimba. Different Guy. (SFX: SMATTERING OF LAUGHTER) Anyway, We learned that talking about money can be awkward for grownups sometimes because they don’t always know what to say, and because we have a lot of feelings and expectations for ourselves tied up with money in our own minds. We learned some ways to overcome that awkwardness, because it’s actually really important to talk about money. And I …got to sing a cool song. Let’s pull it up here on this old-timey jukebox.

BRIDGET: Wow, a jukebox! What your grandparents probably used when they wanted to listen to music out in public! Think of the biggest CD player you’ve ever seen, then triple that size! Hey Ryan, does that jukebox actually work?

(SFX: JUKE BOX SOUNDS)

SFX: AUDIENCE GROANS

RYAN: No, it’s completely broken. But let’s pretend it does. Get out those lyrics, people! It’s time to learn about why it’s so awkward to talk about money. Thanks again to Isaac for the question! And hit it!

PULL FROM S3 E2 EPISODE:

(SFX: PITCH PIPE) 

(MUSIC – APM LIBRARY BACKING TRACK WITH ORIGINAL SUNG OVER

Picante Fresco – SOHO_SOHO_0234_01101 

RYAN [SINGS]: We don’t talk about money

Grown-ups don’t find it funny!/

We don’t talk about income!

Whether we save it or spend some – om om om!

If you knew how much I make/

It would make both our brains break/

Our friendship could not survive it/

So we’ll just keep money private

Take it, Bridget!

BRIDGET [TALK-STYLE RAP]

When discussing money, tread lightly

Proceed in a way most politely

Adults are more nervous than we seem

Money hits at the core of our self esteem 

We worry about it all the time

But we rarely discuss, even when it rhymes

I can rap, I can flow

But I can’t have chill finance convo

RYAN [SINGS]: We don’t talk ‘bout dinero

My bank balance is zero- oo – oo oo oo

Now I am embarrassed

I told you too much ‘bout money/

Can we just take a break now…

SFX: AUDIENCE APPLAUSE

BRIDGET: Wow, that song brings back golden memories of summer 2022 when Encanto was kind of popular.

SFX: FADE UP DOO WOP MUSIC, KEEP LOW THROUGH ARK

RYAN: It sure does.

BRIDGET: But we learned a lot from that adventure! Remember we got sucked into a board game and had to figure out the best way to talk about money in a series of challenges to secure our release?  Ryan, what was your favorite tip from that episode?

RYAN: Well I’ve got two actually. The first is that you need to pick the right time and place to ask your money questions. And the second is to never trust Bridget to pick out a board game!

(SFX: CANNED AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)

BRIDGET: Oh you, but we had fun that day, didn’t we? We also learned that you can start money conversations with your grown up slow and easy – just ask them what they think you should know! And we should be patient with our grown ups. They decide how much information they want to share with you and when.

RYAN: That’s why they call me Ryan Patience Perez! Now, we’ll have more classic Million Bazillion money music to answer all your money questions, plus an all new song,  when we come back, right after this! 

-ARK: If you had to make a slogan for money, what would it be? 

 – HAVE AUDIENCE SFX DURING ARK

RYAN: We’re back and gee, Bridget, isn’t Asking Random Kids Not So Random Questions just the best? If you had to come up with a slogan for money, what would yours be?

BRIDGET: Ryan, that’s a great question, I think I’d go with M-O-N-E-Y, Just trust in dollars, ain’t no lie! 

SFX: SMATTERING OF AWKWARD AUDIENCE COUGH

SFX: CRICKETS

RYAN: Alright well today on Million Bazillion, Bridget and I have gathered  around a non-functioning jukebox, taking another listen to some of our favorite Million Bazillion classic oldie songs of yesterday years gone by. Songs that have helped us learn more about money and how it works. 

BRIDGET: That’s right, AND…songs about why we have the money we do, in the first place! Remember the question we got from Oliver? He wanted to know why different countries use different money! 

RYAN: You’re right, and that brings us to a  beautiful song we once heard performed by the Ghost of Alexander Hamilton, during our ill-fated attempt to break into the US Treasury–

BRIDGET: [WHISPERING] Uh, Ryan, we’re not supposed to talk about that, remember!

RYAN: Yes, even though the investigation is still open, they have no evidence on us– I think we’d be remiss to not share that song again, here! See, the reason the U.S. has their own dollars and coins is because when this country was starting out, the founders realized that if we really wanted to be in charge of our own destiny, we’d need to be in charge of our own money! And that’s what this song is about.

NOTE: Pull from S4 E3

(MUSIC: APM LIBRARY TRACK: “ACCORDION FOLK TUNE” SEL-6041 #59)

HAMILTON (SINGS):

When America was starting out

Tryin’ to shape its destiny

We didn’t want to use the British pound

So we made our own currency!

_______________

I wanted that currency centralized 

Through a stable American bank

Called the First Bank of the United States

And for that bank you have me to thank!

______________

Not everyone was a fan of my plan 

Including Thomas Jefferson

He thought the bank would be monopoly 

But eventually my plan won

_____________

Then in Seventeen-Ninety-Two 

The Coinage Act was passed 

Creating the U.S. dollar

And the dollar caught on fast 

_______________

With that dollar, we could pay our debts

And establish our independence

And create a sustainable economy

For for our eventual descendants

For for our eventual descendants

(MUSIC FADES OUT AS BRIDGET AND HAMILTON TALK)

BRIDGET: OK, well, this has been an informative polka, but we should get going.

HAMILTON: But wait, I’m not done with the song!

RYAN: Really, I could listen to polka music all day, but Bridget’s right, we should scram.

HAMILTON: (SINGS AS MUSIC GETS LOUDER)

Now grab a wad of paper cash

And tell me what you see

On the single you’ll see Washington 

On the ten spot you’ll see me! Weee!

My polka song is almost done

I sang it just for you

With any luck, I’ll sing it one day

In a huge Broadway revue!

I can’t wait to sing this song!

In a huge Broadway revue! Wooo!

(SPEAKS)

So, what do y’all think? Can’t you just imagine that song being a huge Broadway hit?

SFX: AUDIENCE APPLAUSE

BRIDGET: Unfortunately, Broadway did NOT agree but THAT’s what I call music!!

RYAN: Doesn’t it bring back sweet memories from when you first heard it… a year ago, probably… in your car?

BRIDGET: Memories I’ll always cherish! Alright everyone, we’re going to take a short break but when we come back, it’s the all new Million Bazillion music you’ve been waiting for!

RYAN: If you have to leave your seats during the break, we understand, but you’re not gonna wanna miss part two of this musical extravaganza! 

–MIDROLL–

Part 2:

SFX: DOO WOP MUSIC

RYAN: Ok, welcome back to Million Bazillion. Today, we’re revisiting  some of the answers to your money questions…through song, with a musical trip down memory lane- (GETTING LOST) The memories are like the notes and the music is like the car and we’re traveling back into time in a music car- 

BRIDGET: (TRYING TO HELP) It’s like the “memory lane” are those lines on sheet music and we’re encountering little notes on the way, and each of those notes is a memory.

RYAN: Yes, exactly what you just said. Exactly what you just said.

BRIDGET: Before we get to the all new, never before heard Million Bazillion song, let’s take a moment to remember how much we’ve learned  on this Million Bazillion journey with you all, our listeners. Whether we’re learning it in a book–

RYAN: Literally. Bankruptcy has so many chapters. 

BRIDGET: Or from a middle schooler who’s started their own black market snack business–

RYAN: I wonder if he ever got out of detention? Hey, remember the time we helped rescue all the gold at Fort Knox?

BRIDGET: Yeah, and all we got for it in thanks was a gift certificate for some pancakes. 

RYAN: And they were GREAT pancakes. (LIGHT CHUCKLE) But let’s get back to the real reason we’re here, the music! So far, we’ve had a good sing about why it can be awkward to talk about money, but we should do it anyway. And we learned a critical historical lesson about why American money exists. Now, because I know there are probably grown ups listening, let’s turn to a song that’s all about important skills. 

BRIDGET: Remember when Kaitlyn sent us a question about ponzi schemes? And we learned about those and other ways people try to scam us out of our money?

RYAN: Yes,  Bridget. It’s a funny story- turns out I once lost millions of dollars in a Ponzi scheme and have never financially recovered and life has been a bit of a struggle ever since. We did a whole episode on it, you can listen to it. Actually now that I think about it, it’s not that funny, it’s more sad and painful for me, but whatever- . what isn’t painful is the lyrical stylings of consumer advocate, Brenda Hammer, who really breaks it down for us: 

NOTE: Pull from S5 E4

(CUE MUSIC: APM LIBRARY “THE ATTRACTION OF OPPOSITES OPENING”)

BRENDA: (SINGS)            

There’s people out there who are not being true

There’s people out there who wanna scam you 

(SPOKEN)
They’ll put on a big show and tell ya, “Step right up, step right up…”

BRENDA: (SINGS)

Step right up and listen to a promise of great riches

If you’ve some money, then lemme toss a few pitches

Of quick and easy cash, the secret I can’t wait to tell you

and if you fall for that one, well I got a bridge to sell you

There’s multi-level marketing schemes and scams of confidence

The Spanish Prisoner or the rich Nigerian prince

They’ll promise easy payouts for a little cash advance

“You better buy in now ’cause this may be your only chance!” 

But they’re so full of baloney

You’ve gotta learn to spot a phoney

Like a varietal of Ponzi that’s called a Pyramid  scheme 

It works just like Ponzi but you have to form a team

of recruits paid by recruits paid by recruits one layer under

until the it falls apart and dreams of wealth are torn asunder

There are many scams just like this, so it pays to be on guard

Money’s rarely earned so easy, it’s more often earned quite hard

But easier to keep if you don’t fall for frauds and cheats

These are lessons Brenda’s learned parks and in the streets

BRENDA: (SINGS)

When you see a scam,

You gotta say, “Wham!! Bam! No thank you, ma’am!”

You’ve got to slam that…

SCAM!

SFX: AUDIENCE APPLAUD

BRIDGET: Man that Brenda Hammer is good. 

RYAN: Yes, as the kids would say, Brenda’s bars… are fire.

BRIDGET: And it’s always smart to be a little skeptical, if someone promises you something that’s too good to be true. Also, never trust a squirrel with your lunch. 

RYAN: Bridget, what’s your favorite Million Bazillion lesson we’ve learned through song?

BRIDGET: Well you know Ryan, I think that might be the time Lulu sent us a  question about recession and depressions. . Sometimes the news, especially when it comes to economic troubles, can feel really scary. And it’s good to have a song that reminds us…there are people  whose job is to keep our economy strong, the Federal Reserve:

NOTE: Pull from S5 E2 

(SFX: CLICK OF BOOMBOX PLAY BUTTON) 

(MUSIC: APM LIBRARY LIVING LEGENDS C SCDV-0701 #39)

GOOLSBEE:

WHEN SPENDING SLOWS, 

TO A CREEPY CRAWL

AND THE ECONOMY’S BAD,

WHO SHOULD YA CALL?

RECESSION CRUSHERS!

EWW-OHH

RECESSION CRUSHERS!

WHEN RECESSION’S KNOCKING 

AT YOUR GATES

AND IT’S TIME TO LOWER 

THOSE INTEREST RATES

WHO SHOULD YA CALL?

EWW-OHH RECESSION CRUSHERS!

RECESSION CRUSHERS!

BRIDGET & RYAN: [SINGING ALONG] The recession crushers! 

SFX APPLAUSE

RYAN: Interesting fact: That song didn’t win a single Grammy and THAT’s a big problem in my book!

BRIDGET: Well it’s always in my heart! Who knew the Federal Reserve was staffed with such talented singers! It’s Economics and Lyrics! A winning combination! 

RYAN: Alright Bridget, I think it’s about time we give the people what they’ve been waiting for. 

BRIDGET: A simpler tax code?

RYAN: Ha ha, no, that’s going to stay a total mess. I mean…we’re going to share a song from the Million Bazillion Musical! Drumroll please!

SFX: DRUMROLL

SFX: EXCITEMENT FROM AUDIENCE

BRIDGET: Ooh, that’s right! See folks, I want to tell you about Professor Toby Emert at Agnes Scott College in Decateur, Georgia. He’s studying how you can use music to learn about things like money. In fact, he wrote a whole musical, based on Million Bazillion episodes, to help see if those songs taught its audience more about money. 

RYAN: Wow, how ‘bout that? Now listeners, I know we’ve heard about podcasts who have been turned into TV shows…that pay TV money, not ours, but other shows…but how often do you hear about a podcast adapted into a musical? Not often!

BRIDGET: That’s very true! Okay, so  let’s hear one of those songs! 

RYAN: This one is called the Dollar Bill song. If you have a dollar on your, or if your grown up does, pull it out and follow along! We’ll wait a moment for you to get ready!

SFX: DOO WOP MUSIC, IN BACKGROUND

SFX: RUSTLING FROM AUDIENCE

BRIDGET: I’m ready!

RYAN: [ASIDE] Bridget, I don’t have a dollar! 

BRIDGET:[ASIDE]  What? Oh, here, borrow one from me, this is more fun if you can look at a buck while you’re singing, trust me! 

THE DOLLAR BILL SONG

HAVE YOU EVER LOOKED CLOSELY AT A US DOLLAR?

YOU’LL SEE SOLEMN GEORGE W. THERE IN HIS COLLAR.

HE’S SURROUNDED BY A FANCY OVAL FRAME

WITH HIS NAME BENEATH HIS PORTRAIT, DECREEING HIS FAME.

ABOVE HIS HEAD YOU’LL SEE THESE WORDS:

THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA AND FEDERAL RESERVE.

TO HIS RIGHT IS A NAME, TO HIS LEFT IS ONE TOO.

AND NUMBERS ALL AROUND HIM THAT GIVE US A CLUE

ABOUT WHERE AND WHEN THE BILL WAS INKED, YOU SEE

MAYBE FORT WORTH, TEXAS OR WASHINGTON, DC.

FLIP THE BILL ON ITS BACK FOR ANOTHER COLORFUL SCENE.

THE WORD ONE IS IN THE CENTER, OUTLINED IN GREEN

Two Latin phrases surround a weird pyramid

The apex is an eye with a sleepy lid

The bald eagle is a symbol we all know well

It’s no surprise we see one on the dollar bill

It holds arrows in one talon to symbolize war

In the other there’s an olive branch. But wait, there’s more.

In its beak is a ribbon with an important note

E pluribus unum: Every hear of that quote?

It means out of many one—a message ‘bout strenth

‘bout building a nation together, ‘bout being in sync

We bet you learned a thing

Or two

From this dollar song

SO, LET’S REVIEW WHAT YOU HEARD. CAN YOU SING ALONG?

THERE’S WASHINGTON WITH HIS FANCY COLLAR.

THERE ARE NUMBERS AND SIGNATURES, DO YOU FOLLOW?

THERE’S INFO ABOUT WHERE THE BILL WAS MADE.

THERE’S A PYRAMID, AN EAGLE, AN EYE—NO SHADE.

THERE’S THE LATIN PHRASE ABOUT UNITY

THAT’S THE GREENBACK’S STORY, DON’T YOU SEE?

THERE’S WASHINGTON WITH HIS FANCY COLLAR.

THERE ARE NUMBERS AND SIGNATURES, DO YOU FOLLOW?

THERE’S INFO ABOUT WHERE THE BILL WAS MADE.

THERE’S A PYRAMID, AN EAGLE, AN EYE—NO SHADE.

THERE’S THE LATIN PHRASE ABOUT UNITY

THAT’S THE GREENBACK’S STORY, DON’T YOU SEE?

Every greenback tells a story – a little mystery

A small tale about originality

If you look real close, you’ll see what I mean

If you look real close, you’ll see what we mean. 

SFX: APPLAUSE

BRIDGET: I do I see exactly what you mean.

RYAN: Yeah. 

[ADD: BEAT]

BRIDGET: Are you going to give me my dollar back? 

RYAN: Dollar, I didn’t give you no dollar? Okay, here it is. 

BRIDGET: Okay Ryan, it’s almost time for us to go…did you have fun singing along with this one?

RYAN: Of course, and I think our listeners did too. And if anyone has an idea for a song they THEY want to hear about money, they should definitely send that to us! 

BRIDGET: Sure thing, send us a note through our website, Marketplace dot org slash million. 

RYAN: And if you want to order a collection of these and more Million Bazillion songs on audio cassette for a mere 59.99, payable in monthly installments-

BRIDGET: Wait, Ryan, we’re not selling these songs on cassette. That’s completely impractical. And 59.99 would be way overpriced. Maybe you can just remind them that we’re part of public radio and this is all free, but we take donations if they really want to show their support? 

RYAN: Ok, fine, give if you want and can, and if you want to listen to these songs again, just click play again on this episode because that’s free.

. 

BRIDGET: That too!  Alright, bye for now, see you next time! 

APPLAUSE 

–Theme Music-

Credits

RYAN: That’s it for this episode of Million Bazillion! We hope you had fun singing along! And don’t forget to sign up for the Million Bazillion newsletter at marketplace dot org slash million for updates about our show and other cool things we’re doing! 

BRIDGET: Special thanks to Toby Emert at Agnes Scott College, for creating the Million Bazillion Musical! The music was written by Toby and arranged by Jason Solomon. The song you heard was performed by Alecia [ah-LEASE-ee-uh] Brown, Andrew Fazackerley [fa-ZACK-er-lee], Orixa [or-ISH-uh] Flores, Tracey Laird [LAIR-d], Mark Little, Moffett Morris, Julia Norcross, Mpho Osei-Tutu [mm-Po o-SIGH TOO-too], Riley Rawson, Akia [ah-KEY-uh] Sembly, Brooke-Erin Smith, and Jason Solomon.

RYAN: And the rest of the music was written and performed by me, Ryan Perez, or sometimes Bridget, except when it was performed by other people. Give it up for Recession Crushers, by Drew Jostad, Ponzi Schemes, by Francesca Levy, Hamilton’s Polka Dity, by Julian Stern.

BRIDGET::  Million Bazillion is brought to you by Marketplace, from American Public Media. The non-singing parts of this episode was written and hosted by Ryan Perez and me, Bridget Bodnar. 

RYAN: Jasmine Romero is our editor.

Courtney Bergsieker [BURG-see-kur] is our producer.

Marissa Cabrera is our senior producer.

BRIDGET: This episode had additional voicing by Chris Julin! It was sound designed and mixed by Bekah Wineman. Our theme music was created by Wonderly. 

RYAN: Bridget Bodnar is the Director of Podcasts at Marketplace. 

Francesca Levy is the Executive Director of Digital 

Neal Scarbrough is the VP and General Manager.

BRIDGET: Million Bazillion is funded in part by the Sy Syms Foundation, partnering with organizations and people working for a better and more just future since 1985. And special thanks to The Ranzetta Family Charitable Fund and Next Gen Personal Finance for providing the start-up funding for this podcast, and continuing to support Marketplace in our work to make younger audiences smarter about the economy.

RYAN: If Million Bazillion is helping your family have important conversations about money, consider making a one-time donation today at marketplace-dot-org-slash-givemillion, and thanks for your support.

POST CREDITS: 

BRIDGET: Ryan, that was a lot of fun. But we didn’t get to YOUR favorite Million Bazillion song? 

RYAN: Honestly, remember that time my feelings elf encouraged me to buy a whole bunch of stuff I didn’t need because it felt so good?

BRIDGET: Totally. We built a whole box fort haunted house with all the boxes from your many many purchases and charged the neighborhood kids 50 cents a pop to go through it. It was a real success story. 

RYAN: Well there’s one song I can’t get out of my head, mostly because Dolores keeps playing it back whenever she feels like I’m not paying enough attention to her. Awww, what the heck, let’s play it here- sort of like when they used to put a bonus track on CDs.

DOLORES: (SUNG)

Money money

spend, spend, spend

will this feeling ever end?

Let’s stay in here another hour

flexing all our buying power

Every time you hear that ding

I’ll do my job, you won’t feel a thing

Except a thrill

every time

You run your card at the checkout line

RYAN: (SUNG)

A designer sweater for my cat

A wool V-neck, could he go for that?

BRIDGET: (SUNG)

Jibbitz charms

for my shoes

Available in packs of twos

scented chapstick, SPF 30

I think I’ll buy a pack of…

30

RYAN: (SUNG)

In the mall, like uptown ladies

Dropping cash like it’s the ’80s

Spending it all on me, me, me

I feel like a bonfire vanity

In the shopping mall, my emotion’s steady-

Uh oh, a shoe store, are we ready?

(EXCITED “WHOOPS” FROM EVERYONE)

BRIDGET: (SUNG)

Do you have anything in a flat?

Cause if you do, I’ll just take that

Don’t need to make this all ’bout me

Just need to get from A to B

DOLORES: (SUNG)

Bridget, why not spring for heels?

Spending gives you happy feels!

RYAN: (SUNG)

New Air Gordons, that’s my shoe!

CASHIER: (SUNG)I think they look good on you.

RYAN: (SUNG)

That cashier says I’m a real cool guy

She must mean it, why would she lie?

I’ll take 20 of those shoes

I mean 20 pairs, so 40 shoes!

I used to be sad but it went away

when I bought this lilac body spray

(SFX: SPRAY SOUND)

CASHIER: (SPOKEN) Ahh, my eye!

RYAN: (SPOKEN) Sorry! Sorry!

CASHIER: (SPOKEN) Why did you spray that in my face?!?

RYAN: (SPOKEN) I just wanted to spray a little, so you could smell. I’m so sorry. Are you ok?

CASHIER: (SPOKEN) Yeah, fine. Just don’t spray deodorant in people’s faces. I’ll just ring you up.