The 10th season of “Million Bazillion” is here just in time to mark Bridget and Ryan’s favorite holiday – Tax Day! There’s just one problem: Ryan hasn’t finished filing his taxes yet. With the clock ticking, Bridget steps in to help him out before midnight. Along the way, they tackle a great question from Kade: What exactly are tax returns? Will they figure everything out before time runs out?
After you listen to the episode, here are some questions and conversation starters you can use with your kid listener to see how much they learned about tax returns.
What do you think about filing out tax returns? Simple? Scary or not so much? Why?
If you needed help with a big math problem, who would you ask for help? (Grown-ups, this is a good time to talk about whether you get help or file a tax return on your own.)
What are some things our government pays for with tax dollars? What else do you think our tax dollars should pay for?
Grown-ups — share the story about the first time you filed a tax return. What did you learn?
For listeners who want to keep learning more about tax returns and taxes, start here:
Listen to this “Million Bazillion” episode to learn more about the U.S. tax system and taxes.
Tariffs are a form of tax, too! Check out this “Million Bazillion” episode for an explainer.
If you’re really curious about the tax brackets we mentioned on the show, grab a grown-up to help break down this article from Fidelity.
Remember, refunds are not like “free money.” This story from Marketplace explains how they’re actually YOUR money.
VIDEO: check out this crash course on taxes by a former Marketplace reporter.
Thanks for listening to this episode! If you’ve got a money question, joke, or even a poem about money, we’d love to hear it.
Record your Million Bazillionaire and send the audio using this online form and we just might include your kid in an upcoming episode!
Note: Marketplace podcasts are meant to be heard, with emphasis, tone and audio elements a transcript can’t capture. Scripts may contain errors. Please check the corresponding audio before quoting it
Cold Open:
(SFX MILLION BAZILLION STING)
(SFX: CHURCH BELLS CHIME)
(MUSIC: HOLIDAY CHOIR SINGS “HARK THE HERALD ANGELS SING”)
FOLKSY NARRATOR: Jingle jangle, jingle jangle! Gather round, children, young and old, for Million Bazillion’s Holly Jolly Tax Day Season Ten Premiere Spectacular. Starring Bridget. And Ryan. With special appearances by… Skimbelshanks the Cat, Buttons the Calculator, Borpo, and Michael Bublé.
(MUSIC FADES OUT INTO ROOM AMBI)
(SFX: DOOR CREAKS, BOOTS MARCH IN)
BRIDGET: Ryan! Ryan! I just picked up our Tax Day tree! I got the most expensive one they had on the lot! (GRUNTS)
(SFX: TREE SET DOWN)
(SFX: TREE RUSTLING)
BRIDGET: It’s a tree, not a climbing toy, Skimbelshanks, shoo!
(SFX: CAT MEOW)
RYAN: Well well, is it April 15th already?
BRIDGET: Yes! It’s our favorite holiday here at Million Bazillion: Tax day! And what better way to kick off our tenth season of Million Bazillion!
RYAN: Wow, this podcast has been on for ten years?
BRIDGET: No, we’ve been on for 6 years, but we’ve done 10 seasons in that time. Usually about 8 episodes a season. So like, 12 to 16 episodes a year, plus bonus episodes- anyway, point is- it’s our tenth season! And it’s Tax Day! Let’s decorate the tree! It’s an 8-foot Frasier fir, named after TV’s most beloved therapist, Frasier Crane.
RYAN: Wait a minute, shouldn’t we take a kid question? We do that at the beginning of every episode.
BRIDGET: Oh yeah, I was so excited, I nearly forgot about that. Let me just select a question from these tapes, totally at random.
(SFX: RIFLING THROUGH TAPES)
KADE: Hi I’m Kade and I’m from Michigan. I heard my parents talk about tax returns and I wonder what they are.
(MUSIC: EXPLAINER MUSIC)
BRIDGET: So how do we answer this great question from Kade? We’ve talked about taxes before, season 2, episode 2. And we learned taxes are money we pay the government which it then spends in a lot of different ways. In fact, it needs taxes to operate. The government collects lots of different taxes…sales tax…payroll tax, TARIFFS are a type of tax. But the government makes its biggest chunk of revenue from INCOME Tax.
RYAN: Income tax is a share of your earnings that you pay to the government each year. As a money-maker myself, I am very familiar with this whole process. And today, to answer Kade’s question, we’re going to talk specifically about tax returns. Well, a tax return is a worksheet you fill out that helps determine how much you owe the government for income taxes for the year, or if they owe you a refund.
BRIDGET: Yeah, It’s like a math assignment due every April where you have to show your work. You turn in that worksheet to the IRS- that’s short for Internal Revenue Service. And then they tell you if you did the math right. It’s really that simple.
RYAN: Really?
BRIDGET: I mean no, taxes are extremely complicated but also, yeah, it’s really that simple. If this is your first tax filing season, let me tell ya, this time of year is STRESSFUL and full of OBLIGATION. If you owe taxes, you HAVE to pay them. But hey, when else am I going to hang up my tax day garlands made from returns over seven years old?
(END EXPLAINER MUSIC)
RYAN: I hope I get money back this year! I never get money back, but this year I’ve been a good boy, or man as it were, and when I file, I’m really pulling for a refund!
BRIDGET: Wait, you haven’t finished your taxes yet?
RYAN: I haven’t started them yet!
BRIDGET: Ryan! Today’s the deadline!
RYAN: Yeah? So? I still have time. I’m a responsible adult, even if I’m not first in line at the post office on January 1st to mail my return like you.
BRIDGET: Pfff, please, you can’t even file your taxes on January 1st! The government didn’t even start accepting them until January 26th this year. And I’ll have you know I wasn’t first in line at the post office to mail my return… I was third.
RYAN: Ok, well still, that’s pretty early. Look, I have an idea- why don’t you help me file my tax return today?
BRIDGET: Awww, but I don’t wanna do taxes on Tax Day! I wanted to sing Tax Day carols and drink the traditional Tax Day nog by the blazing Tax Day firelog on TV!
RYAN: But don’t you see? By helping me get a nice big refund, we can learn all about the process of filing a tax return and answer Kade’s question, starting season ten off on the right foot! Or the right note. Or right footnote.
BRIDGET: Weeeeelll, uuummm, hrrmmmm. Ok, you twisted my arm! We’re gonna file Ryan’s tax return… right after this!
-Asking random kids some NOT SO random questions-
ANNOUNCER: I’m Daphne from Baltimore, Maryland. Here with today’s Asking Random Kids Not-So-Random Questions … Today’s question is: Fill in the blank: Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you ...
KIDS: Money can buy you food. Legos. Labubus. Videogames. Money can’t buy you happiness but it can buy you … an education. Money can’t buy you happiness but it can buy you, 10 thousand cats. Money can’t buy happiness but love surely can.
ANNOUNCER: That was Trey in Virginia, Emiliano in California, Sadie in New Jersey, Perry in Indiana, John in North Carolina, Lucia in Chicago, Liam in Maryland. This has been Asking Random Kids Not So Random Questions.
Part 1:
BRIDGET: Welcome back to Million Bazillion’s Holly Jolly Tax Day Season 10 Premiere Spectacular. We’re answering Kade’s question: what is a tax return? Even though I already finished my return for the year quite some time ago, I’ve agreed to help Ryan finish his before the deadline, which is at midnight tonight. But I want to finish early so we still have time to decorate our Tax Day tree, roast our traditional Tax Day goose, and attend the big Tax Day parade with the rest of town.
(SFX: HEAVY BOX BEING SET ON TABLE)
RYAN: (GRUNTING) And here’s what you asked for. All my tax documents from the last year. SFX CAT MEOW Shoo, Skimbelshanks. This is a box of important documents, not a cat playground. Shoo!
(SFX: CAT MEOW)
BRIDGET: Uhhh, that’s a big box.
RYAN: Yeah, I’m always super conscientious- any letter that comes in the mail with the word “tax” on it, I throw into this box and don’t worry about until April 15th.
(SFX: MOUSE CLICKING)
BRIDGET: Ok, well… lemme just open up this do-it-yourself tax filing software, SpeedyTax, and let’s start by figuring out how much money you made this year, what was your income?. For that, you’ll want to find all the forms you received with the words “W-2” or “1099” printed on them .And we’ll use THOSE to fill out your 1040, which is the U.S Individual Tax Return form.
RYAN: W-2? 1099? 1040? Are we doing taxes or naming droids? Ok, that was very a funny joke, but seriously, lemme look here-
(SFX: PAPERWORK RIFLING)
RYAN: Ok, I found a couple of W-2s and some 1099s too. Hey, by the way, what’s the difference between W-2 and 1099?
(SFX: MOUSE CLICK SOUND)
(SFX: TK AUDIO STING ASSOCIATED WITH BUTTONS)
BUTTONS: (CARTOON VOICE) Yooo hoo! Buttons here with a helpful tax tutorial.
BRIDGET: Ah, we’ve triggered Buttons, Speedy Tax’s digital assistant pop-up graphic who resembles a little calculator and who is always here to help. In fact, you can’t disable him, I’ve really tried.
BUTTONS: You’re wondering about the difference between a W2 and a 1099! They’re each a report on how much money you made from a job or other form of income. If you get a W-2, your employer has sent some of your income to the U.S. government to cover income taxes you owe. That W-2 shows how much you earned and how much was already taken out in income taxes.
RYAN: Already taken out?
BRIDGET: Yeah, like this W-2 you got for being head chef of the International House of Clams for a while. It says you were paid $4000 dollars, but took home only $2800 dollars.
RYAN: Yeah! I remember opening up that paycheck and thinking “Ahhh! Where’d my money go?”
BUTTONS: [CHUCKLE] The answer is taxes.
BRIDGET: [CUTTING IN] In fact, it’s not surprising when folks who file W2s get a refund, because sometimes their employer sent in TOO much income on their behalf, so the government returns some of that money, they REFUND it. Now, 1099s–
BUTTONS: 1099s are forms to report income where taxes likely haven't been taken out yet. Would you like to input 1099 income?
BRIDGET: Click yes there. Like look at this 1099 you got for winning the karaoke night contest. Says you got $20,000?! Yowza! Hey, I thought the prize was bragging rights only!
RYAN: [BASHFUL] Oh, right, yeah, well, I’m still waiting for my Grammy.
BRIDGET: [GRUMBLY] Well, bad news is that taxes weren’t taken out, so we’re gonna have to do it now.
[SFX: BUTTONS STING]
BUTTONS: Hi friend, it’s me again!
BRIDGET: (SIGHS)
BUTTONS: If you are what’s called “self employed” or an “independent contractor” - It’s your responsibility to make sure you send the government every penny you owe them!
(SFX CLICK)
BRIDGET: Ugh, yeah, we got that, acknowledge. Okay Ryan, it looks like you’ve got a couple of these, from when you were a freelance athletic talent scout, your slime business consultant side gig, and from your time as a meme stock broker. Aaaand we’re finished adding up your income. That was fast.
RYAN: Tell me about it.
BUTTONS: Now you’re ready to add up your deductions. Let’s do this!
BRIDGET: Okay yeah, deductions. So for this next part, we’re going to figure out your deductions by figuring out your business expenses. Let me explain. Since you were self employed, there wasn’t a big boss who gave you a computer and a desk–
RYAN: Nope, I had to pay for everything I needed on my own!
(SFX: BUTTONS STING)
BUTTONS: Did you know the U.S. government lets you subtract or “deduct,” some of that “business spending” from the income tax bill you owe them? That’s called a deduction. Would you like to input deductions?
BRIDGET: Yes we would.
(SFX MOUSE CLICK)
RYAN: Wait, so I can just add up the money I spent last year and take that off my tax bill?
BRIDGET: Not quite. It’s spending that has to be related to the work you’re doing. And that’s why it’s important to keep track of your expenses.
RYAN: Ahhh, yes…
(SFX: HEAVY BOX BEING SET ON TABLE)
RYAN: For that, I keep a separate box of all my receipts from the year.
BRIDGET: A giant box of loose, unorganized receipts. Why am I not surprised? Ok, to help narrow things down here, did you buy any specific items that help you do your job?
RYAN: Hmmm, well, I’m a podcaster and I did buy a new microphone this year.
BRIDGET: Ok, that’s good. That’s a really good example of a business expense. You can deduct the cost of that microphone because you used it for your job, as the host of this podcast.
(SFX: BUTTONS STING)
BUTTONS: Deduction, microphone. Add to taxes. Are you sure?
BRIDGET: Yes.
(SFX: MOUSE CLICK)
BUTTONS: Are you really, really sure?
BRIDGET: YES we’re sure. What else?
(SFX: TYPING)
RYAN: I bought a book about the stock market.
BRIDGET: Perfect, that book would be considered research for our show. Let’s deduct that.
(SFX BUTTONS STING)
BUTTONS: Deduction, book. Add to taxes. Are you sure?
BRIDGET: [EXASPERATED] Yes
(SFX: MOUSE CLICK)
BUTTONS: Are you really, really sure? Accurate accounting makes the government happy.
RYAN: And, let’s see… a foam dart board for when I don’t feel like working on an episode and wanna throw darts instead. Put that down as a deduction.
BRIDGET: Hmmm, I dunno…. Feels like a stretch to say your dart board is for work. I tend to err on the side of caution when filling out my tax return so I don’t get audited.
(SFX: LIGHTNING STRIKE)
(MUSIC: SCARY STING)
RYAN: Ayyyyee!... Wait, what’s an audit?
(SFX: BUTTONS STING)
BUTTONS: Buttons here! Sounds like you’re worried about an audit! An Audit–
(SFX: RAGEFUL RAPID MOUSE CLICKS)
BRIDGET: X-out, I got this one, Buttons. I’m a professional! An audit usually happens when the IRS is like, hey we think you did your math wrong! They start an investigation and make you go back and prove the income and expenses you listed were real and correct!
RYAN: Well, I don’t want an audit to happen to me.
BRIDGET: . So let’s stick to the genuine business deductions you have- like, say, the mileage you spent driving to and from the recording studio.
RYAN: Ok, fine! I won’t deduct the dart board.
(SFX: MORE TYPING)
BRIDGET: In the end, we total up your deductions and subtract them from how much you made. That new number is the income the government cares about when it comes to figure out how much you owe in taxes
(SFX: BUTTONS STING)
BUTTONS: Buttons here with an important tax lesson! In the United States, the percentage of your income you owe for taxes is based on how much you made. And it’s designed to be progressive, which means the more you make, the more you pay. And portions of your income get taxed a little more each time you hit a higher income milestone. [SFX: BOING BOING] The chart that lists the rates for each level of income is called a tax bracket. Would you like to see it?
BRIDGET: Thanks, Buttons, I’m gonna click NO [SFX: MOUSE CLICK] for today but listeners, if you want to learn more about tax brackets, we’ll have an explainer at our website, marketplace dot org slash million.
RYAN: Wow, so the more you make, the more you’re taxed? Imagine what billionaires must pay in taxes!
SFX: BUTTONS STING
BUTTONS: Do you want to know what billionaires pay in income taxes? It might surprise you to learn that most billionaires pay a lower tax rate than average Americans who make way less money.
RYAN: Wait, what? How can that be happening?
BUTTONS: Our tax system doesn’t always recognize the kind of money a billionaire makes from company ownership, stocks and property as taxable income. There have been many laws that have made it easier for billionaires to contribute less to taxes. But there has been some recent talk about a Billionaire’s Tax, the idea not yet put into law that would try to tax some of that wealth. Let me tell you about it-
BRIDGET: Not right now, Buttons. We only have so much in this episode. Ok, adding up all these income and expenses, let’s see what Buttons the Calculator has to say…
(SFX BUTTONS STING)
BUTTONS: Looks like you’re gonna …(PAUSE) owe $500 dollars in income taxes. Sorry you didn’t get a refund.
(SFX: FAIL STING LIKE FROM A VIDEO GAME)
BRIDGET: Oh well, better luck next year, pal. Ok, let’s go caroling-
RYAN: Wait, wait, wait, I have to be able to do better than that. I mean, no offense Bridget, but as much as you may like doing taxes, you’re no professional at maximizing tax savings.
BRIDGET: Ugh, this is just like the time you asked me to cut your hair! You didn’t want to pay for a barber and asked me to do it and then threw a fit cause I didn’t cut it right!
RYAN: I didn’t throw a fit! I simply said the back turned out mullety.
BRIDGET: It wasn’t mullety! It was just regular no-party hair back there! Look, let’s not relitigate the haircut incident. If you don’t like the way I did your taxes, what do you suggest then?
RYAN: Let’s go to one of those professional tax places, K&G Block. There’s one on this block.
BRIDGET: Ok, fine, let’s go then! I just wanna get this over with!
RYAN: Now that’s the Tax Day spirit!
(MUSIC: TRANSITIONAL STING)
(SFX: DOOR OPENING)
(SFX: VERY CROWDED OFFICE AMBI, PHONES RINGING OFF THE HOOK, ETC.)
OFFICE WORKER: (AT A DISTANCE) K&G Block, how may I help you?... Please hold… K&G Block, how may I help you?... Please hold…
RYAN: Wow, it is packed in here today.
BRIDGET: Of course it is! Everyone here’s trying to file their tax returns last minute like you.
RYAN: OK, but someone here has to be available to help me. Excuse me, ma’am-
OFFICE WORKER: K&G Block, how may I help you?
RYAN: Yes, I need my taxes done before the midnight deadline, preferably by someone who knows how to get me a big refund.
OFFICE WORKER: (CACKLES) All our CPAs are booked solid until 11:59pm. How bout I help you file for an extension and you can come back and do your taxes over the summer?
BRIDGET: Ryan, maybe an extension’s the smartest option for you. It can give you extra time to get your financial records in order.
RYAN: No! I want my taxes done today so I can get that sweet refund ASAP.
OFFICE WORKER: Ooo, looks like we just had a cancellation. They can take you in cubicle number 17, but you gotta go right now!
(SFX: HURRYING OVER TO CUBICLE)
RYAN: (FLUSTERED) Ahem, they told us to come here to cubicle 17. I’m Ry-
K&G BLOCK ACCOUNTANT: No time for names! Sit down, I need your gross income for 2025-
(SFX: FAST PAPER RIFLING)
RYAN: It may not be super impressive, but I wouldn’t call my income gross.
K&G BLOCK ACCOUNTANT: (RAPID FIRE) Ugh, gross as in the amount of money you made before taxes are taken out, sir. Ok, it appears you’re at the bottom of the middle of the highest part of the middle-lowest tax bracket. If you have children, you may be eligible for a tax credit of up to $2,200 per qualifying child under age 17.
RYAN: I don’t have children-
K&G BLOCK ACCOUNTANT: Then you won’t be eligible for that credit. Moving onto expenses- are these your receipts? I do not go sifting through loose receipts, sir. You should’ve organized these expenses in Quickbooks, or at least a legible spreadsheet. Ughh!
RYAN: Sorry, I can-
K&G BLOCK ACCOUNTANT: I’ll just do it. At this point, it’s faster if I do it! (GRUMBLES)
(SFX: FAST PUNCHING IN NUMBERS ON CALCULATOR)
RYAN: (WHISPERING ASIDE) Bridget, I don’t get it. Why would I pay less in taxes if I had kids?
BRIDGET: (LOW) Tax credits are the way the government encourages certain behaviors, by giving money to you for doing them. In this case, Congress wanted to give people extra money if they’re raising kids. Instead of sending the money directly to your bank account, they say, don’t worry, just pay me a little less in taxes and keep the rest. Tax credits are another reason, besides deductions, that filing taxes can get so complicated. You have to sort through what you’re eligible for.
RYAN: You think I could claim all our listeners as my children? I teach them and guide them, in a sometimes fatherly way.
BRIDGET: Hmm, I don’t think the IRS would buy that.
K&G BLOCK ACCOUNTANT: … Annnnnd, I’m done. Ok, whatever your name is, Bald Spot Guy, only a handful of these expenses seemed legitimate, so I just went with the standard deduction for you. That’s an amount everyone gets deducted from their declared income for just being alive and existing. Now, adding up the amounts from lines number 6 and 7-
RYAN: 6-7!... Sorry.
K&G BLOCK ACCOUNTANT: Adding up those amounts, it appears you owe $3000 dollars in taxes this year.
RYAN: What? That’s more than I owed using Bridget as my accountant!
BRIDGET: I told you I did a good job! This is the mullet situation all over again!
K&G BLOCK ACCOUNTANT: Mullet situation?
BRIDGET: Once I cut Ryan’s hair and he accused me of leaving a mullet but it was just a tuft-
K&G BLOCK ACCOUNTANT: I don’t have time for this story. I finished your taxes. That’ll be $175 dollars, by the way. Cash or card?
RYAN: What? I have to pay you too?
K&G BLOCK ACCOUNTANT: If you want my help, that’s how it works!
RYAN: Please, my one Tax Day wish is to get a refund this year, even if it’s just one dollar! Don’t you guys have a - (CATCHES HIMSELF, QUIETS) Don’t you have, like… a guy, who always- hint hint- finds more deductions, maybe with a little creative accounting, hint hint, wink wink, Henry Winkler.
K&G BLOCK ACCOUNTANT: I have no idea what you’re talking about. I don’t know anyone like that. (WHISPERING) 6 o’clock, behind the dumpsters in the alley out back. Don’t be late.
BRIDGET: What did you say?
K&G BLOCK ACCOUNTANT: How bout don’t worry about it!
(MUSIC: TRANSITIONAL STING)
(SFX: STREET SOUNDS, DISTANT PARADE SOUNDS AND CHEERING)
BRIDGET: Well, I hope you’re happy. You dragged us out to this alley to meet some mysterious accountant and we’re missing the big Tax Day parade. I hear the Fraggle Rock guys are on the FICA float this year.
RYAN: Shhhh, I hear something… (GASPS) Who is that dark figure approaching in a hooded cloak?
(MUSIC: SCARY, SUSPENSEFUL SCORE)
TAX GUY: (DEEP, ECHOEY) Are you Ryan?
RYAN: Uh, y- y- yeah.
TAX GUY: I’m the… “Guy” you were asking about. Every year around tax time, everyone wants to know if you have a guy. I’m that guy. I’m an expert in tax loopholes, technicalities, and workarounds. And I can help you get that refund you so desire.
RYAN: Really? That would be amazing. What’ll it cost me?
TAX GUY: Hmm, same as a regular accountant. But if you choose this shadowy path, beware. You’ll have to… indulge in a creative interpretation of US tax law.
BRIDGET: Ryan, I don’t know about this guy. I know I say this about almost everything related to money on this show, but this time I really mean it: you need to be careful here.
RYAN: Pfff, I’m not afraid if it saves me a lot of money. Besides, why is it my job to pay for what the government does anyway? I don’t even like half the stuff the government does.
BRIDGET: Then you should let the government know with your vote! This is not the way!
RYAN: Oh come on! Shadowy Accountant, let’s do it!
TAX GUY: (GRIM) So, it’s been decided.. There’s no turning back now in your choice to forge a financial fiction, a distorted and dupery of deductions.
BRIDGET: I got a bad feeling about this.
(SCARY MUSIC CLIMAXES THEN STOPS)
TAX GUY: (MORE CHIPPER) Ok, so, um, let’s start with your W-2s.
-MIDROLL -
RYAN: Welcome back to Million Bazillion’s Holly Jolly Tax Day Season Ten Premiere Spectacular. We’re answering Kade’s question all about tax returns and before the break, I took my taxes to a shady, back alley accountant who got me a sweet refund of drumroll please…. $5,000 dollars. Read ‘em and weep! Yippee!
(SFX: DRUMROLL)
RYAN: A little late with the drumroll.
BRIDGET: And while I don’t approve of Ryan’s tax choices and think he might have creative differences with the US government, it seems like he’s broadly followed the rules and I’m happy cause I finally got to come home and watch the Tax Day claymation classics on TV and cook my traditional Tax Day goose. Skimbelshanks! Get away from the goose! That’s our dinner, not cat food! Shoo!
(SFX: CAT MEOW)
(SFX: KNOCKING)
RYAN: Hmm, who’s that knocking at this hour?
(SFX: DOOR OPEN CREAK)
RYAN: Hello?
COCKNEY MESSENGER: Evening, guv'nor! I’m a messenger with the Internal Revenue Service.
RYAN: Oh, thanks for the reminder, but we already filed our returns. Be on your way now-
COCKNEY MESSENGER: Excuse me, but I regret to inform you, your tax return has been flagged… for an audit.
(SFX: LIGHTNING STRIKE)
RYAN: (GASPS) An audit?!?!? Nooooooooooooo!
COCKNEY MESSENGER: Something about your return didn’t quite make sense to the IRS and now they’re going to make you go back and prove everything’s correct. And this process can be a giant pain for a taxpayer! Anyway, have a happy Tax Day! Or happy as can be, considering the news I just delivered. Goose smells delicious, by the way!
BRIDGET: Thanks! Bye.
(SFX: DOOR CLOSES)
RYAN: Bridget! This is bad. They’re gonna send me to jail for tax evasion, just like Al Capone! And it’s gonna become the only fact people remember about me, just like the tax evasion thing is the only thing I remember about Al Capone!
BRIDGET: Ryan, stay calm. An audit isn’t the end of the world. Usually, you just email some documents to clarify the questions the IRS has and either they accept your explanation or you pay the extra you owe.
RYAN: Well, that may be how it works in reality, but we’re in a holiday special where everything is heightened for dramatic effect. I better resolve this audit tonight or I’m gonna be in big trouble. Can you come with me?
(SFX: CAT MEOW)
RYAN: I’m not talking to you, Skimbleshanks. I’m talking to Bridget! Shoo!
(SFX: CAT MEOW)
RYAN: Bridget, please, I need your help. I can’t do it without you.
BRIDGET: (SIGHS) Ok, ugg.
RYAN: Sorry, I know this is annoying.
BRIDGET: No. Ugg. I’m looking for my Ugg boots. It’s cold outside.
(SFX: JOYFUL OUTDOOR AMBIENCE WITH TROLLIES, CAROLERS)
PASSERBY #1: Happy Tax Day! Wooooo! We did it!
PASSERBY #2: We got it over with!
BRIDGET: Awww, isn’t this the most wonderful time of year, Ryan?.... Ryan?
RYAN: (GRUMBLES) Gotta say, I’m not feeling the Tax Day merriment I usually do. This audit has put me in a bad mood. If I hear one more person wish me Happy Tax Day, I’m gonna lose it-
BORPO: Bridget! Ryan! Happy Tax Day!
BRIDGET: Educational YouTube host, Borpo, what are you doing out here tonight?
BORPO: I’m the celebrity Grand Marshall of this year’s annual Tax Day Parade and Tree Lighting.
BRIDGET: Wow! Congrats!
RYAN: Interesting. Cause we host a money podcast and no one called us about doing it.
BORPO: Yeah, I feel so humbled by such a huge, important honor. We’re about to light everything up, wanna come watch? I have comps!
RYAN: Ahhhh, we would, Borpo, but I gotta go deal with an audit.
BORPO: (TISK) Ouch. Sorry to hear that. The opposite happened to me this year: the IRS called me up to say, “Hey Borpo, you did such a good job on your taxes, we’re gonna send you some candy.”
RYAN: Ugh! I just don’t understand why we do taxes this way. Like, on some level, the IRS knows what I actually made, but they don’t add it up and tell you how much you owe, you have to go through the trouble of adding it all up yourself and if you don’t do it perfectly, they go, “Hmmm, this doesn’t look exactly right” and they come down on you like you did something wrong! Why does it have to be so complicated?
BRIDGET: Well, sure, taxes don’t have to be this complicated. But if we want to make ‘em simpler, we’d probably have to make some changes. Like the government could tell us what we owe, or make it free to file. And maybe taxes would be easier without so many deductions and tax credits.
BORPO: [LAUGHS] Yeah. But at this point, it’s tradition, right?
BRIDGET: Ok, well we don’t wanna keep you, Borpo. We know you have Grand Marshalling to get to.
BORPO: Ok, best of luck making it through the audit. And remember to have fun!
RYAN: Yeah, yeah, Borpo. Bye. (SIGH)
(SFX: CHURCH BELL)
(MUSIC: GRIM TRANSITIONAL STING)
(SFX: ECHOEY HALL AMBI)
(MUSIC: EERIE CHORAL)
RYAN: Well, here we are. In the hallowed halls of the IRS. It’s cold and spidery in here!
BRIDGET: It’s 11:55. Only five minutes until midnight.
RYAN: Hello? (ECHOES)
BRIDGET: Can anyone help us?... Us?... Us?
RYAN: Are you adding even more echo to the echo?
BRIDGET: Yeah, I thought it would make it sound more desperate.
RYAN: Good idea.
IRS AUDITOR: May I help you?
BRIDGET & RYAN: (STARTLED NOISES)
RYAN: Yes! My name is Ryan! Are you an auditor?
IRS AUDITOR: Yes. ALT: That I am.
RYAN: I’m here to throw myself on the mercy of the Internal Revenue Service! Hear my confession, Grand Inquisitor! I am guilty of fudging figures on my tax return! I didn’t drive 10,000 miles to and from the studio to record Million Bazillion! I drove like 40 miles total. I don’t have 12 dependents! I simply have one cat. I didn’t buy thousands of dollars in recording equipment this year, I bought one microphone for $80 dollars that works pretty good. The $8000 in takeout food I deducted, well, I actually ate that much takeout food, but it wasn’t work-related! I realize it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things if one person cheats on their taxes, but now that I’ve been caught doing it, I’m so sorry for cheating on mine. Cause if everybody cheated on their taxes, we wouldn’t have money for the things we need as a society. And some things we don’t need. Honestly, whether or not the government spends our tax money wisely is something we could debate-
BRIDGET: Psssst. Probably quit while you’re ahead.
RYAN: OK, I rest my case.
IRS AUDITOR: (CLEARS THROAT) First thing’s first. May I see the audit notice you received?
RYAN: Oh yeah, sure. It’s right here.
(SFX: PAPER UNFOLDED)
IRS AUDITOR: Hmm, this audit is addressed to Bridget. Are you… Bridget?
RYAN: No.
BRIDGET: What? Wait. I’m Bridget. Do you mean to say…?
IRS AUDITOR: You’re the one who’s being audited.
BRIDGET: But I filled out all my return honestly, not to mention early! Ryan lied through his whole return and gets away with it! But I’m being audited? That seems completely random!
IRS AUDITOR: Eh, audits sorta are random sometimes. So you wanna take care of this tonight or come back tomorrow?
BRIDGET: Ugh, I’m tired. I’ll just start dealing with it tomorrow.
RYAN: I’m sorry, Bridget. But remember what you said to me. People make too big a deal about audits. It might turn out to be a really simple fix-
BRIDGET: No it won’t! It’s the IRS! Nothing’s simple! Let’s just get out of here.
- MINI SEGMENT-
Hi, i’m Averie from Arizona and I’ve got a money joke for you. What do you call an ant that’s good with money? A tax account-ANT. If you have a money you’d like to share let us know visit marketplace dot org slash million. Bye bye!
Part 3:
(SFX: FOOTSTEPS THROUGH SNOW)
RYAN: Welcome back to the conclusion of Million Bazillion’s Holly Jolly Tax Day Season Ten Premiere Spectacular. We just witnessed a true Tax Day miracle. See, I thought I was getting audited and turns out it was Bridget who’s gonna be audited! Life can be so funny that way!
BRIDGET: Yeah, yeah, har-de-har, real funny. I’m ready to wrap up this Tax Day, what did we learn about tax returns today?
RYAN: I learned-
BRIDGET: Uh, you barely learned anything! I’ll sum it up-
(MUSIC: EXPLAINER MUSIC)
BRIDGET: Thank you Kade for your question about tax returns. Today we learned tax returns are paperwork we fill out that confirms how much we owe in income tax to the government. It’s a math problem we do every year, where we add up the money we made from our jobs, minus deductions and tax credits. Those deductions and tax credits are the government’s really complicated way of trying to give us some extra cash, but really, a gift card would probably make life a little easier this time of year? Depending on what kind of job or employer you have and whether any of your income was sent to the government to pay for taxes on your behalf, you may owe money at the end of the year or get some money back. Oh, and also completely random audits can come out of nowhere!
RYAN: There’s a lot of debate about how to make our taxes simpler and also fairer, but most people agree taxes are worth paying so we can have a functioning society- even if you don’t always love the way it functions. Remember, tax money is YOUR money, and a good reason to pay attention to what your government is doing. And when you’re old enough to vote, vote in every election you can. Vote for the people and laws you like, and vote to get rid of the ones you don’t. In America, there are no kings, no dictators, no all-powerful wizard who sits on a throne and gets to tell you how your money is spent. All those leaders in Washington, DC take money out of your paycheck to pay their paycheck. In return, you get a little say in what they decide. So use it. You paid for it.
(END EXPLAINER MUSIC)
(SFX: DISTANT CELEBRATION)
BRIDGET: Shhh! Stop blabbing about democracy!... What’s that sound?
RYAN: I think they’re still celebrating in the town square, let’s go see!
(SFX: FAST FOOTSTEPS THROUGH THE SNOW)
(SFX: RAISE VOLUME OF TOWN CELEBRATION)
BRIDGET: Awww, they are still celebrating Tax Day! Look, the whole town is here!
(SFX: CHURCH BELL)
BORPO: Alright everybody! It’s midnight! Gather round!
(SFX: CROWD CHEERS)
(MUSIC: SENTIMENTAL SCORE)
BORPO: As President Benjamin Franklin once said-
BRIDGET: (QUICK) Not a President.
BORPO: “The only two certainties are death and taxes.” Today, you all paid your income taxes, and that’s super duper!. Whether or not you walked away today with a refund, you made it through Tax Day, it’s over and we don’t have to do this again until next year!
(SFX: CROWD CHEERS)
BORPO: So let’s keep the party going with a special performance by the one and only, Michael Bublé!
(SFX: CROWD GOES WILD)
BRIDGET: Wow, it’s Michael Bublé! I know his music from the Americana!
RYAN: And the Grove!
MICHAEL BUBLE: Thanks Borpo! I’m a huge fan. Hey everybody! Let’s get in the Tax Day spirit with a jazzy little tune. Hit it!
MICHAEL BUBLE: (SINGS)
We wish you a merry Tax Day
We wish you a merry Tax Day
We wish you a merry Tax Day
And an audit-free year
We hope you got a refund
We hope you got a refund
If you didn’t get a refund
Then better luck next year
Our returns we’ve mailed to the IRS
Our taxes are done, even if they’re a mess
–Theme Music-
BRIDGET: That’s all for this episode of Million Bazillion! Thanks for sticking with us to the very end.
RYAN: Yeah, and since you stayed to the credits, we’ll let you in on a little secret. We’re gonna release a whole new episode next week all about gas prices! It’ll be exciting for kids and parents alike! So meet us back here next week.
BRIDGET: If you STILL have questions, or an idea for an episode, send them to us at Marketplace dot org slash million.
RYAN: While you’re there, sign up for our newsletter. It’s better than those other newsletters out there because we send you new Million Bazillion episodes as they’re released along with a tipsheet. The tipsheet is great, it’s gonna give you a bunch of fun conversation starters and more to help get the whole family smarter about the money topic of the day.
BRIDGET: It helps to have help. Speaking of which, we had help from the experts for THIS episode, including: Lee Frisari, cofounder at Hell Yeah Taxes. And Renu Zaretsky at the Urban-Brookings Tax Policy Center.
RYAN: Million Bazillion is produced by Marketplace from American Public Media. I, Ryan Perez wrote and hosted this episode along with Bridget Bodnar.
BRIDGET: Our senior producer is Marissa Cabrera. Our editor is Jasmine Romero. Our intern is I-Yun Chan.
RYAN: This episode was sound designed by Sam Bair. And mixed by Charlton Thorp. Our theme music was created by Wonderly.
BRIDGET: And special thanks to the folks who leant their voices to this episode: Jay Siebold, Meghan McCarty Carino, Courtney Bergsieker, Daniel Shin, Dylan Miettinen, and Richard Perris.
RYAN: Bridget Bodnar is the Director of Podcasts at Marketplace. Joanne Griffith is the Chief Content Officer. Neal Scarbrough is the VP and General Manager.
BRIDGET: Million Bazillion is funded in part by the Sy Syms Foundation, partnering with organizations and people working for a better and more just future since 1985. And special thanks to The Ranzetta Family Charitable Fund and Next Gen Personal Finance for providing the start-up funding for this podcast, and continuing to support Marketplace in our work to make younger audiences smarter about the economy.
RYAN: If Million Bazillion is helping your family have important conversations about money, consider making a one-time donation today at marketplace-dot-org-slash-givemillion, and thanks for your support.
The Ranzetta Family Charitable Fund and Next Gen Personal Finance, supports Marketplace’s work to make younger audiences smarter about the economy. Next Gen Personal Finance is a non-profit that believes all students benefit from having a financial education before they cross the stage at high school graduation.
The Sy Syms Foundation: Partnering with organizations and people working for a better and more just future since 1985.
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