Note: Marketplace podcasts are meant to be heard, with emphasis, tone and audio elements a transcript can’t capture. Scripts may contain errors. Please check the corresponding audio before quoting it.

LAUGHING STOCK

Cold Open:

BRIDGET: Hmm, where’s Ryan gotten to?

(SFX: AUDIO OF KAI DOING THE NUMBERS FADE UP)

BRIDGET: Oh there he is. Hey Ryan, here we are, on another day at the–

RYAN: Shhh, Bridget, I’m listening to some old  episodes of Marketplace, this is my favorite part, when Kai does The Numbers segment. Shhh. 

(SFX: AUDIO OF KAI DOING THE NUMBERS FINISHES)

(SFX: OFFICE AMBI) 

RYAN: Okay, what was that you were going to say?

BRIDGET: Oh, uh, just feeling really grateful that we have another day of work here at Marketplace headquarters, where intrepid reporters cover the fast-breaking financial and economic news that shapes our world.

RYAN: And we at Million Bazillion explain things like bank interest to children by juggling bananas. We’ve got pizzaaz, but no one here can top the smooth delivery of Kai Ryssdal delivering his daily “numbers.” 

KAI RYSSDAL: Bridget! Ryan! 

BRIDGET: Marketplace host, Kai Ryssdal! What’s up?

RYAN: [SLIGHTLY BASHFUL] Oh, Kai! 

KAI RYSSDAL: I need your help! In 30 seconds, I’m supposed to deliver Marketplace’s beloved segment, The Numbers- but there’s a puppy in the office and I have to go rub his ears and tell him he’s a really good boy!  Can you do the segment for me?

BRIDGET:(CLEARS THROAT) [TO SELF] Ok, Bridget,, time to step up to the plate, this is your moment..

RYAN: Ahem. (SINGING SCALES) Me-me-me-me-me-me-me.

BRIDGET: Ryan, what are you doing? 

RYAN: I’m preparing to do the Numbers segment. 

BRIDGET: Are you sure you’re ready for it? It has a lot of complicated vocabulary in it. Maybe I should just do it. Lemme do it. I’m gonna do it.

RYAN: No! I can do it. Just watch me…

BRIDGET: Fine, but I’m coming into the recording booth with you in case you need help! 

(SFX: HEAVY STUDIO DOOR SEALS SHUT)

RYAN: This is what I’ve trained for these last 45 seconds. 

[DEEP EXHALE.] 

(SFX: ON AIR CLICK.)

RYAN: [KAI RYSSDAL IMPRESSION] But first, let’s do the numbers. 

(SFX: POST NUMBERS MUSIC (INSTRUMENTAL IT DON’T MEAN A THING IF IT AIN’T GOT THAT SWING)

RYAN: We’ll start with a look at the major INDICES.

RYAN: The [SPEAKING SLOWLY, UNSURELY] Nasdaq [NAS-DA-Q] lost 314 points

BRIDGET: [ SHARP WHISPER] It’s NAS-DACK!

RYAN: [SLIGHTLY RATTLED] Uh, SNP 500 down – 

BRIDGET: [WHISPERS] It’s S&P.

RYAN: Oh, S AND P! I always thought it was like, S-N-P. Like Stocks Not Problems.  Okay, where was I, uh, down 37 points. You know, I have no idea what I just said, it’s all just like…random numbers, does any of this mean anything to anyone? Uhh, candymakers reported earnings today, shares in Choccy Talkies Chocolate up 3 and two tenths percent today as the company reported it would be sharing another round of DIVIDENDS with shareholders. What are those again, the candy with egg whites? Bleh. 

BRIDGET: [ QUIETLY] Okay, so this is…not going great. 

RYAN: Up, down, what is it with these people! Make up your minds already! [SPEEDS THROUGH]  You’re listening to Marketplace. 

[SFX: CREDIT MUSIC DUCKS UNDER RYAN]

RYAN: Ok, not bad for a first take. Can I try that again?

ENGINEER: (THROUGH BOOTH MIC) Uhhh, there’s no second takes. That one just went to air.

RYAN: Uhhhh, whoops.

–Theme Music–

BRIDGET: Welcome to Million Bazillion. I’m Bridget! 

RYAN: I’m Ryan! And We Help Dollars Make More Sense. Hopefully, you’re just tuning in just now and didn’t hear me try to do the Numbers segment for the grown-up Marketplace show. If you didn’t hear it, I did a great job, right Bridget?

BRIDGET: Uh, sure yeah. I’m gonna change the subject by taking today’s question. 

ADITYA: “My name’s Aditya, I’m 9 years old, and I’m from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. My question is, what is the stock market, and how do stocks make money? Thank you.”

BRIDGET: Oooh, good question, Aditya. It’s been a long time since Million Bazillion has answered a question about the stock market. Not since season 2, episode 6. If you’re new around here, the stock market is where companies sell pieces of themselves to the public. Those pieces are called shares or stocks. 

RYAN: But, I dunno. The stock market is kinda confusing and we already did an episode about it. Sorry Aditya, we’re gonna pass on this one.

BRIDGET: Wait a minute, there’s a ton left to learn about the stock market. Sure, we may’ve learned why companies sell stock- namely, to make money by selling pieces of themselves- but we’ve never really explored why people, called “investors” would want to buy that stock. 

RYAN: I don’t know. Maybe buying stock is a way to show you’re a big fan of a company? Like buying a Big Bad Voodoo Daddy t-shirt after one of their concerts.

BRIDGET: That’s your example of a popular band?

RYAN: I don’t know! A Taylor Swift t-shirt then? I don’t know who the kids listen to! 

BRIDGET: Well, in any case, that’s not the reason. Generally when you’re buying stock, you do it because you think that company will make money in the future. 

RYAN: Make money you say? From spending money? On Stocks? So, hypothetically-speaking, if we learned a little more about buying these “stocks”, maybe we could make some money at it?

BRIDGET: Uh, I mean, yeah, maybe? This is not something to do on a whim, there’s risk involved, whenever you invest money, you could make your money back, or you could lose it. I think we’d really want to balance–

(SFX: ABRASIVE ‘80s MUSIC)

RYAN: So we’re gonna learn all about the stock market, a fascinating topic that we like and is good-

BRIDGET: Wait a minute, now that you think you might get some money out of it, you want to do a stock market episode?

RYAN: Yep! When we come back, we’ll be coming straight to you from that sweaty jungle of cold hard cash- that’s right, the floor of the New York stock exchange- 

BRIDGET: You mean we’re going to travel to New York for this?

RYAN: Yes! Right after this!

–ARK–

KIMBERLY: And now … it’s time for Asking Random Kids Not-So-Random Questions … Today’s question is: What’s the silliest thing you’ve said to convince your parents to buy you something?

The silliest thing i’ve ever said to convince my parents to buy something is I’ll say it with my brother.

I don't have enough toys. 

This will help me build stuff and learn 

I wanted my dad to buy me a skateboard so I said don’t you want me to go outside?

Honestly, it’s just like a million pleases over and over again!

Pretty please, I’lll pay you back

–

KIMBERLY: That was … 

• John in New Jersey… 

• Emiliano in California 

• Damian in Illinois

• Joshua and Coralie in California

• And Maximillan in Florida

This has been Asking Random Kids Not-So-Random Questions.

Part 1:

(SFX: AIRPLANE LANDING, CAB APPROACHING, CAB DOORS SHUTTING)

BRIDGET: Taxi! Sir, can you take us to the stock exchange, please?

CAB DRIVER: Sure thing!

BRIDGET: Welcome back to Million Bazillion, today we’re learning about how stocks make money and-

(SFX: ABRASIVE 80s MUSIC)

(SFX: FADE UP YELLING AND SHOUTING LIKE ON A STOCK TRADING FLOOR UNDER THIS CHUNK)

RYAN: And we’re on our way to the New York Stock Exchange, the largest stock exchange in the world.That’s right, we’re gonna pack ourselves in like sardines, shoulder-to-shoulder with the Wall Street wolves, chest-thumping and fist-bumping, our hearts pumping from the clamorous clang of the opening bell, to the deafening ding of the closing bell!

BRIDGET: Ryan is referring to the way these stock markets and the traders who work at them are usually portrayed in TV and in film. 

RYAN: They’re always wearing stuffy suits drinking too hot coffee and talking on two giant cellular phones at once. I know this because I watched a double feature of Wall Street and Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps in preparation to answer THIS question. How do stocks work? How do people make money on them? We don’t know! But we’re gonna find out by buying and selling until we make ourselves a bundle- 

(SFX: TIRES SCREECH)

CAB DRIVER: We’re here. 11 Wall St. The NYSE.

RYAN: The what? 

CAB DRIVER: The New York Stock Exchange. That’ll be $70 bucks. 

RYAN: Easy now. Bridget, pay the man.

BRIDGET: Thanks, keep the change. 

(SFX: CAR DOORS SHUT, CAB DRIVES OFF)

RYAN: (INHALES) Ahhh, you smell that?

BRIDGET: (SNIFFS) Oh, yeah. Kinda garbargy? Summer in New York is rouuuugh. 

RYAN: No, it’s the smell of greeeed! Let’s go inside and let our money-grubbing ids loose! But brace yourself, Bridget! I hear it’s a madhouse in there.

BRIDGET: (DEEP BREATH)  Ok, I think I’m ready.

(MUSIC: SUSPENSEFUL LEAD UP)

(SFX: DOORS CREAK OPEN)

(SFX: SPARSELY POPULATED ROOM AMBI, ECHOEY SHUFFLING AND COUGHS)

RYAN: Wait, what’s going on? There’s barely anyone here.

BRIDGET: I thought the floor of the stock market would be filled with hustle and bustle. 

MS. GILSON: (GENTLE, KINDERGARTEN TEACHER TONE) Can I help you two? I’m Ms Gilson, I help run things around here.

RYAN: Uh, yeah, why isn’t this place packed with thousands of sweaty stock traders?

MS. GILSON: Oh, common misconception. So much stock trading is done online these days, the actual stock market floor is a little quieter than it used to be. But some floor traders still show up every day. (LOUDER, TO GROUP) Ok, traders, it’s your 2:30 nap time. Grab your lovies if you have one and get cozy. I’ll wake you in a half hour for graham crackers and milk.

FLOOR TRADERS: (CHILD-LIKE, OFF-MIC) Yes, Ms. Gilson.

(SFX: FLOOR TRADERS SETTLING DOWN, LIGHT SNORING)

BRIDGET: Ok, so we’re trying to learn-

MS. GILSON: Sshhh, sorry. We try to keep it down for the traders during naptime.

(SFX: SNORING TRADERS IN BACKGROUND)

BRIDGET: (HUSHED) Oh, we’re trying to learn how people make money from stocks. 

MS. GILSON: I can help you with that. Let me just turn on some music to help me with this explanation.  

(MUSIC: GENTLE LULLABY MUSIC)

MS. GILSON: There’s really two main ways investors make money from stocks. The first way is called share appreciation. And that happens when other investors want to buy a company’s stock for MORE than what YOU paid for it.    Have you heard of “buy low, sell high?” 

RYAN: Sure have! In my research, the traders chant it every 15 minutes (OR SOME BETTER JOKE)

MS. GILSON: That’s share appreciation in action! You’d probably have to sell your stock to officially “make” that money. 

BRIDGET: Share appreciation. The stock is worth more over time, and then you sell it. Got it. 

MS GILSON:  The second way is from dividends. That is, the company did so well, it has some extra cash, and instead of investing it back into the business, the Board and CEO decide to divvy it up among investors. 

RYAN: Oh, like  little thank you present at the end of a quarter, thank you for owning our shares! 

MS GILSON: Exactly. 

(END MUSIC: PRESCHOOL EXPLAINER MUSIC)

STOCK TRADER #1: Ms. Gilson, Robby stole my stock tip and gave it to his firm, and then said my projection for the Dow Jones was myopic and short-sighted.

MS. GILSON: Well, how did that make you feel?

STOCK TRADER #1: Bad.

MS. GILSON: Ok, well, I’ll have a talk with Robby. Why don’t you join the others for nap time?

BRIDGET: So, Ms. Gilson, you’ve told us about dividends and share appreciation, but is there anything else you want to tell us, two podcast hosts with very different temperments, who would each like to make money in the stock market?  

MS. GILSON: Well, all individuals should consult their own financial advisor before they invest. But investing in the stock market really comes down to how much are you willing to risk? Because the actual strategy depends on the answer to that question. 

BRIDGET: What do you mean exactly? 

STOCK TRADER #2: [SHOUTING] Ms. Gilson, Ms. Gilson, look at me! I climbed all the way to the top and…um…Ms. Gilson! I’m stuck! 

[SFX: PRESCHOOL EXPLAINER MUSIC - MORE SCORING FOCUSED]

MS. GILSON: [SHOUTING] Hang on, Brent! I’m coming! [TO BRIDGET AND RYAN] See Brent? He’s always taking big risks, like climbing up the walls because he wants to impress everyone. But that sometimes means he gets stuck, or he falls and skins his knee and needs an icepack after. 

RYAN: Poor guy. But I like his style. 

MS. GILSON: It’s worth it to Brent, if he thinks there might be a big attention payout in the end.  

RYAN: [GLEEFULLY] Big risk, big reward! 

MS GILSON: But take Curtis over there. Curtis hates risk. He even double checks that his shoes are tied before he gets up from his desk! For fear he might trip. Curtis loves the stock market as much as Brent, but he’s not to maybe not make a whole bunch of money, as long as he might not lose too much either. 

BRIDGET: Hmm, an appealing approach. 

[END PRESCHOOL EXPLAINER SCORE]

MS. GILSON: Okay Brent, I got you! Good work buddy. Why don’t you go grab yourself a juicebox now. 

STOCK TRADER #2: Weeee!

BRIDGET: Wow, you really have a lot of patience!

MS. GILSON: Awww, I do love my little guys.

RYAN: So, let’s say we wanted to try our hand at buying some stocks, could we do that here?

MS. GILSON: Oh no, my traders all do their stock trading here on behalf of brokerage and financial firms. Individuals need to set up an account with one of those firms to get started investing in the stock market. You might’ve heard of names like Schwab, Vanguard, Robinhood, Fidelity, J.P. Morgan-

RYAN: Oh yes, J.P. Morgan. I love him on The Office. And do you know he wrote The Book with No Pictures? 

MS. GILSON: That’s B.J. Novak. Point is- before anyone starts investing in the stock market, they need to ask themselves how much they want to risk. 

STOCK TRADER #3: Uh, mom- I mean, Ms. Gilson, I snapped my suspenders too hard and the clip came off and I can’t get them back on! 

MS. GILSON: Ok, I’m busy now, Ted.. I’ll help you later.

STOCK TRADER #3: But I wanna look cool in my suspenders now! 

MS. GILSON: Ok, I’m busy right now, so I’m gonna let you watch Billions. 

STOCK TRADER #3: Yess!

MS. GILSON: But you can only watch one. Ted, pay attention- only one. (SIGHS) Ok, you two have any other questions? The rest of the traders are about to wake up and they tend to get cranky after their nap.

BRIDGET: I think we’re good for now. I think maybe we’ll hit up a brokerage firm and try some nice safe-ish trading. 

RYAN: Speak for yourself, Bridget! I’m with Brent, I want to shoot for the moon, and take some big swings!

BRIDGET: We’ll talk about it later, okay! Thanks for your help, Ms. Gilson.

RYAN: Yeah, thanks for showing us the ropes. Can I have a juicebox for the road?

MS. GILSON: Oh of course!

RYAN: Oh no, I spilled some on my shoe.

MS. GILSON: It’s ok, Ryan. 

BRIDGET: Okie dokie, I can’t handle this particular energy from grown men anymore. We’re getting out of here. Don’t go anywhere cause after this quick break, we’re gonna learn more how to make money from the stock market. Right after this!

–mini seg–

• MIDROLL -

Part 2:

BRIDGET: Welcome back to Million Bazillion. On today’s episode, we’re learning how stocks make money and over the break, we decided to extend our stay in New York City, where we will each try our hand at different methods of investing. 

RYAN: And I found us a super cheap Manhattan sublet where we can crash for a few weeks while we do this stock experiment. This apartment is pretty clean, I’ve only seen a few bed bugs out in the open so far. 

BRIDGET: Ryan, if you’re seeing a few bed bugs out in the open, there are probably more hiding. I don’t think we should stay here. 

RYAN: Too late, I already gave the owner $8700 for the month. Relaaaax… or actually- don’t relax, get excited, because we got some investing to do. We’re both starting out today with 100 dollars each. We’re gonna use different investment strategies, and in a few weeks, we’ll check in to see who’s made more money. My strategy will obviously be - take a big risk early on, make a ton of money and then coast! 

BRIDGET: Right, while I will take a more measured approach. I want a strategy that makes me money, but I don’t want to lose any of the money I started with.  And I think I’m going to use my travel points to get a hotel for me nearby. 

(SFX: COMPUTER CLICKING)

RYAN: Yeah yeah, good luck with that. As for me, I’ve got a great idea, I’m going to put all my money in one stock, I think it sounds like an amazing idea, avocado holders. You know those corn holders that people put in their corn cobs to make them easier to hold from ? Like that, but for avocados.

BRIDGET: But… people don’t bite into avocados. 

RYAN: Because they don’t have holders! Not yet, at least.  Trust me, the kids on reddit say this is a sure bet. I’m just going to pop on over to Robinhood and invest my money in them. Easy peasy.

BRIDGET: [SKEPTICAL]  Ok, so your plan is to invest ALL your money in one single stock. That anonymous people on the internet say is a good idea. 

RYAN: Yep. (BEAT) So as long as I can guess the fluctuations of the market flawlessly and time it all out perfectly, I should get rich. 

(SFX: KEYBOARD CLICKS) 

BRIDGET: As for my strategy, I’m gonna go to a brokerage firm to see if they can help set me up with a more patient, conservative approach. . See ya! Wouldn’t wanna be ya! Good luck!

(SFX: DOOR SHUTS)

BRIDGET: (THROUGH DOOR) (WHISTLES) Taxi!

(MUSIC: TRANSITIONAL STING)

MUSIC: CORPORATE ROCK MUSIC

SFX: OFFICE HUBBUB, PHONES, CHATTER

BROKERAGE FIRM AGENT: Ms. Bodnar, welcome to Clemson Flaven Brokerage Firm. Are you ready for us to put your money to work for you?

BRIDGET: Yes, and I know I could set this up for myself online but I really wanted to be able to ask questions, and really understand what I’m getting myself into. 

BROKERAGE FIRM AGENT: Now, our top priority is making sure our clients are comfortable with their investment strategy. So, first, I want to make sure you’re not investing more than you can stand to lose. 

BRIDGET: Thanks for checking! Yes, my friend and I have set aside a small amount of money that we are comfortable investing, and maybe losing, for this competition. 

BROKERAGE FIRM AGENT: A competition? Alright, not gonna follow up on that. And then may I ask, what level of risk are you comfortable with as an investor?

BRIDGET: Well, I realize all investing comes with some risk. But I’d like the smallest amount of risk that isn’t zero. I’m willing to make less money in the future as long as that means I won’t LOSE any of the money I start with. 

BROKERAGE FIRM AGENT: Ok boys, let’s risk proof this room!

(SFX: SOFT PADDING BEING LAID DOWN)

(MUSIC: INDUSTRIOUS MARCH)

SFX: METAL DOORS

SFX: LOW GRADE SIRENS

MUSIC: SUGGESTS THIS “EVERYTHING MUST BE SAFE”

BRIDGET: What’s going on?

BROKERAGE FIRM AGENT: You said you want very little risk, right? So we’re gonna bring in some soft padding and remove all the pointy objects from the room. 

(SFX: OBJECTS BEING MOVED OUT)

BRIDGET: Okaaay, but what about my investments?

BROKERAGE FIRM AGENT: Ohhh, right. So for low risk investors such as yourself, we recommend you buy lots and lots of different stocks. Diversify! That way, even if one stock loses big, the relative success of other stocks means you won’t have too much of a loss. Think of it like buying a variety pack of stocks, not everyone’s a winner, but they mostly are. 

BRIDGET: Oh, this is how I buy my instant oatmeal. 

BROKERAGE FIRM AGENT: Exactly. Apple cinnamon is kind of a miss, but the success of the other oatmeal flavors makes up for it. 

BRIDGET: So true, cinnamon spice,  and maple and brown sugar are both fantastic options. 

BROKERAGE FIRM AGENT: (IMPRESSED) I see you’ve done your oatmeal homework.

BRIDGET: So uh, what kind of oatmeal would I be investing in? 

BROKERAGE FIRM AGENT: With this type of investing, you won’t do as much choosing of individual stocks. We’ll help you pick a mix of variety packs that make the most sense for how much you’re willing to risk. They’ll include dozens of stocks. In fact, a lot of times, investors don’t even know which specific stocks they own! 

BRIDGET: Oh, I thought I’d get to know all my stocks personally, but you’re the experts. I can’t wait to see your recommendations! 

BROKERAGE FIRM AGENT: One of my favorite investment variety packs is  Index funds. 

BRIDGET: Well I don’t know what an index fund is but I do like a good index card for making my notes. 

BROKERAGE FIRM AGENT: Index funds are a variety pack of stocks that are chosen to include all the stocks in one index. Do you know what an index is? It’s a list of stocks–

BRIDGET: Oh I love a good list! Yes, an index is a list of stocks around a theme. Like the NASDAQ is mostly tech stocks. The S&P 500 includes 500 of the largest and best performing publicly traded companies based in the United States. 

BROKERAGE FIRM AGENT: Exactly.  When you invest in an index fund, you’re not trying to do better than those indices, you just don’t want to do worse.You’re trying to copycat! 

BRIDGET: I’m writing all this down on my index cards. 

SFX: DOOR OPENS

ASSISTANT: Hi, can I bring either of you water, coffee, tea?

BRIDGET: Oh yes, I’ll take a tea. 

BROKERAGE FIRM AGENT: Make that tea luke warm, Dennis! Ms. Bodnar is low risk! We don’t want any scalding today!

ASSISTANT: Yes, Maam.  And I’ll make sure it comes in a plastic sippy cup with a lid to mitigate spillage.

BRIDGET: To be clear, I’m looking for safe investments, but I don’t need everything around me to be super safe.

BROKERAGE FIRM AGENT: No no, if you insist on being safe, better safe than sorry. When you’re done with your competition with Ryan, you should come back in and we’ll really diversify your investment portfolio - and get you invested in more than just stocks! 

BRIDGET: Sure, sounds good to me. I trust you to build me a diverse- but safe and sound portfolio of investments. Where do I sign to make it official?

BROKERAGE FIRM AGENT: Here, take a pen. We sanitized them beforehand for your safety.

BRIDGET: Oh, thanks.

(SFX: SMUSHY SOUND)

BRIDGET: Uhhh, it doesn’t work so well. Do none of your pens have pointy tips?

BROKERAGE FIRM AGENT: Not unless you wanna sign a waiver.

(MUSIC: TRANSITIONAL STING)

(SFX: DOOR CREAKS OPEN)

BRIDGET: Ryan? Are you here? Hello?

RYAN: (WIRED) Come in, Bridget. This day has been wild. 

BRIDGET: (LEERY) How did your investing go?

RYAN: I dumped my entire pile of cash into those avocado holders that I heard about on Reddit subforums. But I can’t tell if users are really excited about them or if it’s just teenagers trying to trick me! Then around lunch time, I pulled all my money out of avocado holders and dumped it into Blockbuster!

BRIDEGET: Blockbuster? The video rental store? Are they still in business? 

RYAN: Not sure, but if AMC can have a moment, it’s only a matter of time before Blockbuster does too. 

BRIDGET: I think the type of stock you’re investing in are meme stocks. They go viral for a little bit and then tend to flame out.

RYAN: I’ve been riding an emotional roller coaster all day long. Up and down. Up and down. Chugging energy drinks until I crash into a despair nap and then wake back up to worry more-  

(SFX: BUGS SCUTTLING BEHIND DOOR)

BRIDGET: What’s that sound?

RYAN: I lost the battle with the bedbugs. They took over the bedrooms and locked the doors behind them. That’s their domain now. But it’s ok because once my stocks go up, I’m gonna buy a gold-plated mansion and put out a sign that says, “No bedbugs allowed!” It’s gonna be so exclusive. I just need these stocks to turn around, which they will any minute now. Maybe if I refresh this page, I’ll be a millionaire. How was your day by the way?

BRIDGET: Uhhhh, fine. I learned about index funds, which–- (SIGHS)  Look, Ryan, I know you’re trying to commit hard to your half of our cute, low-stakes investment competition, but I can already tell even after one day, your approach isn’t very healthy. You gotta find a way to do this that’ll work for the long haul, you can’t be obsessed with the fluctuations of the stock market all day, every day. You have to drink water and go outside and live life.

RYAN: (DEFENSIVE) Really? Interesting take. Ok, well, why don’t we just come back in a few weeks and see who’s made more money, how bout that? 

BRIDGET: How are we gonna suddenly make weeks go by? 

RYAN: With a montage, of course. 

(MUSIC: OUR STANDARD MILLION BAZILLION MONTAGE MUSIC- THE LAST FEW SECONDS OF APM’S “PUSH THE LIMIT”)

RYAN: (SINGS)
As weeks go by and his stocks go down

Ryan loses hold of the investing crown

Every day’s a giant gamble

Ryan’s life is going to shambles now

RYAN: Ok, eight weeks have passed and things have been rough for me in this investing competition.

BRIDGET: Wait a minute, what about me? That montage song didn’t describe anything about my journey.

RYAN: Ok, fine we can do the montage song again, but about you.

(MUSIC: APM’S “PUSH THE LIMIT”)

RYAN: (SINGS)

As the weeks go by, Bridget’s stocks are boring

BRIDGET: (OFFENDED) Hey!

RYAN: (SINGS) 

Growing so slow, that we’re all snoring

Bridget plays this game with flair

Like the tortoise ‘gainst the hare 

Ok let’s see how they did compared to each other… 

RYAN: Ok, like I said, eight weeks have passed and the market has not been kind to me. I tried to make the most money in the shortest amount of time chasing the glory that was a 1990s evening at Blockbuster, which turned out to be a very popular stock online for about exactly a week-

BRIDGET: Meme stock! 

RYAN: Well, I know that now. But in the end, trying to predict the market was a constant gamble I couldn’t sustain. It was mostly nauseating, occasionally exhilarating, but ultimately quite costly. Of my initial $100 dollar investment, I only have $17 of that left in my investment account! How’d you do, Bridget?

BRIDGET: Well, I guess like the old saying goes, “slow and steady wins the race.” I invested my initial $100 dollars slowly, diversifying across a wide range of stocks.  I put money into an index fund, which further narrowed my investments into high quality companies. And as of today, eight weeks later, I now have (COUNTS) $107 dollars in my investment account.

RYAN:You made  $7 dollars? That’s not a very big profit.

BRIDGET: Well, you gotta admit it’s more than negative $83 dollars. 

RYAN: Fine, fine. You win the contest. Congratulations. I guess let’s leave New York before we have to pay more rent. Lemme just grab my luggage from the bedroom.

(SFX: DOOR CREAKS OPEN)

(SFX: BEDBUGS SCUTTLING, SINGING A “SNOW WHITE”-TYPE WORK SONG)

RYAN: AHHHHH!

BRIDGET: What is it?

RYAN: It appears during the last eight weeks, the bed bugs have built a city of their own on my bedroom floor and are currently having a rollicking party. 

BRIDGET: Forget the bags. Leave them behind and let’s leave this city forever. 

RYAN: Good idea. We’ll join you back from the Million Bazillion studio, right after this. 

- MINI SEGMENT- 

(MONEY JOKE: Seena from SF … WHY DID THE BANKER QUIT HIS JOB? BECAUSE HE LOST INTEREST)

Part 3:

(SFX: OFFICE AMBI) 

BRIDGET: And we’re back! Here at the Marketplace Headquarters, after our whirlwind trip to New York city to answer Aditya’s question about how do you make money from stocks?

RYAN: And what did we learn from our nutty adventure?

(MUSIC: RECAP MUSIC)

BRIDGET: Well, I guess we learned people who buy stocks, or, investors, make money in one of two ways.  Either the stock pays you some dividends, that is, a little bit of their profit because they did so well that quarter, or the value of the stock goes up, so you sell it to someone else for more money than you paid for it. . But stepping back a bit, anyone hoping to make money in the stock market needs to think about how much risk they’re willing to take.

RYAN: That’s right. There are ways to make a steady amount of money over a long period of time, lots of people like to use this sort of investing to build their retirement accounts over decades. And then there are people who are willing to risk losing all their money, for the chance to make a whole lot. More recently, it’s become really easy to invest your money quickly in something that seems like a sure bet, a meme stock that seems really exciting…but those are some of the most volatile and risky stock investments of all, so it’s worth it to be skeptical and talk to a trusted adult about these things.   

(END RECAP MUSIC)

RYAN: Welp, that’s it for this episode of-

KAI RYSSDAL: Bridget! Ryan! I need your help again!

BRIDGET: Marketplace host, Kai Ryssdal!

KAI RYSSDAL:  I’m supposed to do The Numbers segment for Marketplace, but I hear there’s a really cool guy bouncing a hacky sack in the parking lot and I don’t want to miss seeing it.  Can you fill in for me again?

RYAN: I dunno. Last time, I messed it up The Numbers pretty bad.

BRIDGET: Yeah, maybe I should do it.

RYAN: Wait, though! 

(MUSIC: INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC)

RYAN: After my own harrowing experience investing in the stock market, I think I’ve learned enough to try delivering that segment again, this time sorta knowing slightly more what I’m talking about. If you trust me, I’d like one more shot at it.

BRIDGET: I think you deserve that shot, Ryan.

KAI: I don’t think you deserve it, but I really don’t want to miss this hacky sack guy.

(SFX: PAPERS BEING HANDED OFF)

KAI: Here. Try not to screw it up too bad.

RYAN: (CLEARS THROAT) 

But first, let’s do the numbers. 

Taking a look at the major indices first, 

The Dow Jones industrial Average gave back 10 points, we’ll call that flat

The nasdaq was  up 190 points, 

The s&p 500 up 29 points, So overall, most of the companies trading on stock exchanges today did pretty well. 

The nation’s largest hospital system said they miscalculated the price of bandaids, investors did not like that news and, shares dropped 5%. But the people at Pointy Pencils, the nations’ third largest supplier of pencils said they’ve invented a new type of eraser that doesn’t leave those annoying smudge marks, shares up 11%. Bet you’re pretty happy if you bought Pointy Pencil stock low! 

You’re listening to Marketplace. 

Ok, how was that? 

BRIDGET: Ryan, that was incredible. You did a really great job. 

ENGINEER: (THROUGH BOOTH MIC) Uh, sorry, I forgot to press record on that, can you do that whole thing again?

RYAN: Arrrghhh!

–Theme Music-

Credits

RYAN: That’s it for this episode of Million Bazillion. Thank you for listening! If you STILL have questions, or an idea for an episode, send them to us at Marketplace dot org slash million. 

BRIDGET: While you’re there, sign up for our newsletter. It’s better than those other newsletters out there because we send you new Million Bazillion episodes AS they’re released along with a tipsheet. That tipsheet is gonna give you a bunch of fun money conversation starters for your family and more ways to learn about the money question of the day -even after the episode ends!

RYAN: Million Bazillion is produced by Marketplace from American Public Media. It’s written  and hosted by me, Ryan Perez, with Bridget Bodnar. 

BRIDGET: Our senior producer is Marissa Cabrera. Our editor is Jasmine Romero. 

Flora Warshaw helped produce this episode. 

RYAN: It was sound designed by Sam Bair. 

And mixed by Derek Ramirez

Our theme music was created by Wonderly. 

BRIDGET: And  a special shout out to the folks who leant their voices to this episode: Brendan Dalton, Samantha Fields, Ethan Markowitz, Gary O’Keefe, Ben Prevor, Josh Rosenberg, Kai Ryssdal, Alex Schroeder, Charlton Thorp, and Flora Warshaw

RYAN: Bridget Bodnar is the Director of Podcasts at Marketplace. 

Joanne Griffith is the Chief Content Officer 

Neal Scarbrough is the VP and General Manager.

BRIDGET: Million Bazillion is funded in part by the Sy Syms Foundation, partnering with organizations and people working for a better and more just future since 1985. And special thanks to The Ranzetta Family Charitable Fund and Next Gen Personal Finance for providing the start-up funding for this podcast, and continuing to support Marketplace in our work to make younger audiences smarter about the economy.

RYAN: If Million Bazillion is helping your family have important conversations about money, consider making a one-time donation today at marketplace-dot-org-slash-givemillion, and thanks for your support.