Maybe Sam Weiner’s iPad is busted. He can use the Apple tablet to check his email, surf the web and tag photos on Facebook, but he still feels lost.

“I’m still gnawed at by a horrifying emptiness that no amount of fiddling with your magical gadget can fill,” he writes. “Is it too much to ask that the mere act of owning [Apple] products fill me with utter, unbroken contentment?”

Even getting all his Apple products — from iTunes to iCloud to the Apple TV — to work seamlessly together isn’t helping his psyche. “No matter what song I select,” he says, “the only thing I can hear is myself softly whispering ‘You are garbage’ inside my own head.”

Listen to Weiner’s tale of “woe” — originally written for McSweeney’s — by listening to the audio above.