Research-smeesearch! This story in the New York Times means just two things: faster pirated movies!!! More stolen music!!!!

A coalition of 28 American universities is throwing its weight behind a plan to build ultra-high-speed computer networks — with Internet service several hundred times faster than what is now commercially available — in the communities surrounding the participating colleges.

Highdef movies in less than a minute! Holy guacamole. Can’t type now. Need to call college friends and get them to log onto The Pirate Bay.

No, I apologize, that is a terrible stereotype – AND STEALING IS WRONG.

I am sure that students at the nation’s finest academic institutions will only use the planned ultra-high-speed computer network to push forward the outer boundaries of human knowledge.