Analysts are starting to show more confidence in the job market. And I quote: “Both long-term and short-term forecasts are showing signs of recovery…” Oh wait, did I mention these are drunk analysts?

According to the Onion, the economic outlook starts to get better around the third or fourth beer, but it’s the fifth one where the employment rate begins to “close in on 100 percent.”

“It’s going up,” leading economist David Singleton said confidently, indicating the predicted growth in jobs with an upward wave of a Bud Light bottle. “All the way up. By the end of the month. No problem.”

Singleton said the economy would begin its rebound once employers realized that there were many currently unemployed skilled laborers across the country who would “bust their asses” in a number of growing fields…

Joblessness was not the only domestic problem that began to appear eminently solvable after the rapid downing of five beers. Also substantially improved were projections for the housing crisis, the affordability of health care, getting hot wings later, and being able to drive home just fine.

This analyst predicts GDP will grow by 10% next quarter: