Times are rough, but researchers at Georgia Pacific’s Innovation Institute in Neenah, Wis., have come up with a way to bring a little bit of softness into our lives — they’ve invented three-ply toilet paper. “They” are actual toilet paper researchers, a heretofore little know specialty. Quilted Northern is rolling out the new “extra-soft” TP on Monday.

Here at Marketplace, dealing with all the bad news from Wall Street this week has apparently taken it’s toll. Immediately, an alternative to the common use for the new TP was offered — It “will be nice to have something extra durable to cry into when I finally work up the courage to look at my 401K,” one said.