Cold Open:

(SFX: HEAVY OBJECT BEING WHEELED ACROSS FLOOR)

BRIDGET: Hey, look what I pulled out of the Marketplace basement- It’s the foosball table! 

RYAN: Ooooh, is it that time of year again for America’s favorite past time, tabletop soccer? 

BRIDGET: Yeah! I think it’s our lucky year to win the semi-annual Public Radio Foosball Tournament! We’ve gotten close, but we’ve never won it. Here, play a quick round with me so we can see if the dowels can still turn and the pieces can still kick.

(SFX: BALL DROPPED ONTO TABLE, FOOSBALL PLAY WITH WITH WOODEN PIECES HIT BALL)

RYAN: Hmmm, some of these gears are a little jammed up. 

(SFX: SQUEAKY ROD TURNING)

(SFX: WOOD PIECE HITS BALL, BALL GOES IN GOAL)

BRIDGET: Ha! Scored on you.

RYAN: No fair! These pieces aren’t kicking properly. Might need to replace player 19 and 7. 

HIGH-PITCHED FOOSBALL PLAYER: Sorry coach, we’ll try harder.

LOW-PITCHED FOOSBALL PLAYER: Yeah, we’re gonna learn from this one.

RYAN: It’s ok, you’re just a little rusty—whaa?!? 

BRIDGET: Who said that?!?

OTHER FOOSBALL PLAYERS: (HIGH PITCHED) Us, down here on the foosball table! We can all talk!

BRIDGET/RYAN: [WITH FEAR] Ahhhhh!

–Theme Music–

RYAN:  Welcome to Million Bazillion. I’m Ryan.

BRIDGET: And I’m Bridget! And We Help Dollars Make More Sense. And we just discovered that the little wooden figures on our foosball table can talk. 

HIGH-PITCHED FOOSBALL PLAYER: We sure can!

LOW-PITCHED FOOSBALL PLAYER: Hey, coach! I think I pulled a hammy in the scrimmage. What should I do?

BRIDGET: Oh, um, remember RICE. 

LOW-PITCHED FOOSBALL PLAYER: I should put rice on it?

BRIDGET: No! Rest. Ice. Compression… Elephantsation? Eh, I forgot the last one. It’s with an E. Whatever. Boy, this is gonna make the upcoming foosball tournament veeeeery interesting.

RYAN: Before this talking foosball team runs away with this whole episode, let’s take a minute and listen to today’s question.

ALISTAIR: Hi, I’m Alistair/From San Diego, California.

RYAN: Hey Alastair, What’s your question?

ALASTAIR: And I wanted to know how athletes get paid. 

RYAN: A timely question, Alastair, what inspired you?

ALASTAIR: And I wanted to know because I love baseball and football. I also play baseball and football.  And I’ve seen big players getting contracts. It’s just crazy how much money they are making and I want to know how they decide to pay that much for those players. Go padres!

HIGH PITCHED FOOSBALL PLAYER: Crazy money? How much money are we talking about here? 

BRIDGET: Oh, well, some of the top quarterbacks in the NFL are making over fifty million dollars a year. Top baseball players can make over 100 million a year! That’s just a lot of money! See, Alastair, when it comes to how much athletes get paid–

RYAN: Excuse me, Bridget- as a classic guy’s guy jock podcasting bro guy, I’ll handle the opening explainer on this one. Ahhh, athlete pay is determined by a whole bunch of factors like how the leaderboard stats line up to the player roster average and the rankings and then there’s bracketsand uhhhh– ahhhhhh– I don’t know the answer. Can you do it, Bridget?

BRIDGET: All I know is that sports players usually have contracts, or an agreement to play with a team. So, the player and the team negotiate over how much the team will pay the player, and for how long. 

(MUSIC: EXPLAINER MUSIC) 

RYAN: Cool. That’s exactly what I was gonna say. Well done, Bridget. (CLEARS THROAT)

HIGH-PITCHED FOOSBALL PLAYER: Hey, uh, number 7 here with a question. Speaking of athlete pay, our contracts are up for renegotiation in the upcoming foosball season, and we ain’t so happy with our paychecks!

LOW-PITCHED FOOSBALL PLAYER: Yeah, turns out that being a tiny foosball athlete is exactly like being a real human-sized athlete. As the bosses of this here foosball team, y’all’s should help us with our money problems as a way of explorin’ this subject for your financial literacy program.

RYAN: Wow, that’s an idea so crazy… it just might work.

BRIDGET: What do you mean “crazy”? It actually sounds very reasonable and perfectly timed. As we assemble our perfect and for the first time, winning foosball team, we’ll be able to see firsthand the types of decisions that teams make when they’re trying to decide if they should give a player one of those big contracts Alistair’s heard about. 

RYAN: Ok, then I guess it is a good idea! We’re gonna get into it with our foosball team and learn all about how athletes are paid… right after this!

–Asking Random Kids–

KIMBERLY: And now … it’s time for Asking Random Kids Not-So-Random Questions … Today’s question is: Which job do you think should make the most money?

KIDS:  Doctors should make the most money because they're saving people's lives.  

I think being a dentist or a surgeon would make the most money. 

Construction workers, cause they build houses to keep us safe. 

Surgeons because they have to like look at like really gross things from people. 

I think a science job because it takes a lot of practice… 

KIMBERLY: That was … Joshua in California, Lillian in Helsinki, Connor in California, Rala in Minnesota, William in Maryland. This has been Asking Random Kids Not-So-Random Questions.

Part 1:

RYAN: Welcome back to Million Bazillion. On today’s episode, we’re answering Alistair’s question about how athletes are paid in sports. 

BRIDGET: And to help us learn the answer is our beloved foosball team, the Millie BaZillies!

(SFX: WHISTLE BLOW)

(SFX: HIGH-PITCHED FOOSBALL PLAYERS GROWL AS THEY FILE IN)

(MUSIC: SHORT FOOTBALL MARCH STING)

BRIDGET: Everybody get in here, take a knee! Now as you know, we’re heading into the upcoming foosball season, and Ryan and I want to build a winning team. 

RYAN: Even if it’s just one win this season! That would be a real improvement. 

BRIDGET: The big professional football and basketball and baseball teams and all that, they’ve got huge budgets, gobs of money they can use to convince athletes to play for them. Ryan and I though, we are on a limited budget. 

RYAN: A very limited budget. Even for a public radio podcast. We don’t have as much to work with as some of the other teams out there, but we looked through old coat pockets and couch cushions and scrounged together exactly $100 hundred dollars total to spend on this year’s team. With this100 dollars, we gotta build a team of 13 players that’ll wipe the floor with NPR’s foosball team.

LOW-PITCHED FOOSBALL PLAYER: I thought we were an NPR show.

BRIDGET: No, we’re a Marketplace show from American Public Media.

LOW-PITCHED FOOSBALL PLAYER: Yeah, so like an NPR show.

BRIDGET: No! Not like NPR– ahhh, forget it, it doesn’t matter! Point is, as we were saying earlier to players number 7 and 19, we’re gonna have to make some tough choices of which of you players to keep, and which of you we trade. And how much money we’re willing to spend on each of you. 

HIGH-PITCHED FOOSBALL PLAYER: Well, we all know where the majority of that $100 dollars is going. Same place it goes every year. To our star player- Rodrigo Pompeii.

(MUSIC: FLAMENCO GUITAR STING)

RYAN: So… is Rodrigo here? 

HIGH-PITCHED FOOSBALL PLAYER: Oh. No. He’s not here.

RYAN: Oh, when I heard the guitar, I thought it was like his introduction.

HIGH-PITCHED FOOSBALL PLAYER: No, he’s on vacation in Fiji right now with a rubber duckie. 

(SFX: RUSTLING THROUGH PAPER)

BRIDGET: Well number 7’s not wrong. It turns out Rodrigo’s contract with us is over. He’s allowed to sign with any team he wants; he’s a free agent. If we don’t make him a financially competitive offer, we could lose him to another team.

HIGH-PITCHED FOOSBALL PLAYER: But we know the drill. You fork over most of that cash to Rodrigo because on our team, he kicks the hardest and is obviously the most handsome and famous. And then it’ll be up to the rest of us to fight over the table scraps. 

RYAN: Now wait a minute, Rodrigo’s a striker. Some positions just get paid more than others in sports, you guys know this.

(ALL THE PLAYERS LET OUT DISCONTENTED GROANS AND AGREEMENTS)

HIGH-PITCHED FOOSBALL PLAYER: I know I’m just a rear kicker, but you couldn’t win these games without me. Why am I only earning a 10th of what Rodrigo earns?

JIMMY MCQUARRIE: My client is right. He is an extremely undervalued player.

(SFX/MUX: VAGUE NUTCRACKER SUITE MUSIC)

(SFX: WOOD CREAKING AS JIMMY JUMPS UP ON THE TABLE)

RYAN: Who the heck are you?

BRIDGET: Yeah, who’s this Nutcracker who just wandered onto the foosball table? It’s not even Christmastime! What business is this of yours? 

(SFX/MUX: NUTCRACKER MARCH SUITE)

JIMMY MCQUARRIE: I’m not just any nutcracker, my name is Jimmy McQuarrie, I’m Number 7’s agent. 

(END NUTCRACKER SUITE MUX)

RYAN: Oh boy, we gotta deal with sports agents now too?

JIMMY MCQUARRIE: And, as you know, my client’s contract is up. And if you’re not willing to budge upward on his price, he’s gonna have to start looking at other teams. 

HIGH-PITCHED FOOSBALL PLAYER: But I don’t wanna leave this team. I love this team.

JIMMY MCQUARRIE: Please, will you just be quiet and trust me? I’m so close to landing you that cereal endorsement deal. 

HIGH-PITCHED FOOSBALL PLAYER: Like Rodrigo’s deal?

JIMMY MCQUARRIE: Not quite as big as Rodrigo’s deal. His is 8 figures, yours is more like 4. But still, this could be great for you. Please. Help me. Help me. Help you. Help me. Help you. Help me. Help- 

BRIDGET: Ok! Ok! We’ve heard enough! Ryan, we need help! How are we supposed to figure out the best way to spend our budget? Put it all on one star player, or hold a little back to pay the rest of the players more so they agree to play for us again? That Sports Agent Nutcracker is very convincing!

RYAN: I know! Being a general manager is stressful!  

(SFX: DIAL TONE, AND RINGING UNDERNEATH BRIDGET)

BRIDGET: I’m gonna call on some expert advice from Nola Agha, a sports management professor at the University of San Francisco. She studies how real sports teams decide player salaries and I think she’ll be able to help us figure some of this out.

NOLA: Hello?

BRIDGET: Hi Nola, it’s Bridget and Ryan from Million Bazillion and we need your help.

NOLA: Let me guess, you’re trying to assemble a dream team for the big public radio foosball tournament, but all your players are demanding more money and you’re trying to figure out what to do? 

RYAN: Yep. How’d you know all that?

NOLA: Don’t worry about it. I gotchu. 

BRIDGET: So, tell us. How does it work? How do team managers decide to give some players these huge paychecks?

NOLA: Well, let’s start at the beginning and let’s begin with an example. So, let’s say you collect pokemon cards. And if you have a prismatic pikachu card, [SFX: POWER CHARGE] you know that it’s really special. There aren’t a lot of those special cards, they’re rare. [SFX: ZAP] And this means the supply is low. But, because a lot of people want them, the demand is high. And in this sort of situation, the card costs more. 

RYAN: Yep, that’s the exact opposite reason why I was able to buy 100 Bib Fortuna cards for mere pennies! No demand and huge supply! 

NOLA: So, in sports, just like with rare pokemon cards, athletic talent is rare. [SFX BASEBALL CRACK/CROWD GOES WILD] In the NFL, there aren’t a lot of quarterbacks like Patrick Mahones, and in the NWSL, there are very few strikers as amazing as Sophia Smith and in the NBA, players like Steph Curry are exceptionally rare. So, depending what sport you like, you know these players names because they’re the superstars. And that’s why they’re rare and getting paid a lot. 

RYAN: Oh, so that’s why the biggest paydays in sports go to LeBron James in the NBA and Shohei Ohtani in the MLB, and probably somebody in hockey, no one’s sure. So maybe Rodrigo has a point? He DOES deserve a huge paycheck? 

NOLA: So, in sports, to determine how much a team will pay…we first have to ask, how much will a team make, and therefore, how much do they have to spend? So, a team will sit down, and they say, alright, we sell tickets, we sell broadcasting rights, which gives stations like ESPN the ability to broadcast our games. We sell sponsorships and lots of jerseys, hats, and nachos.

BRIDGET: Popular professional sports teams can make hundreds of millions of dollars from all that stuff in a single season. 

RYAN: Mmm, yeah, and popular Public Radio Foosball teams can make tens of hundreds of dollars in a single season. 

NOLA:  And so, as the team is trying to figure out how much they have to spend, they’re also trying to figure out how much MORE they’ll have if they sign a star player. Because it turns out, if you have a star player, everyone wants to pay you more.  And all of that new revenue is money they can spend on their superstar. And that superstar will help that team make money for years in the future. 

RYAN: That’s what we want! Wins and the financial success that comes with winning that fuels even more winning! So, we don’t even notice that we’re paying our players more because we’re making so much more! I really feel like this is our year, Bridget! 

BRIDGET: Yeah, our star foosball player is this hotshot striker, Rodrigo Pompeii.

(MUSIC: FLAMENCO GUITAR STING)

NOLA: Pompeii. Oh, I’m familiar. Good foosball player.

BRIDGET: But to be honest, he sorta has an attitude.

RYAN: Nola, he didn’t even show up to the meeting! He didn’t even show up to the meeting!

BRIDGET: But our twelve OTHER players all want more money this year too. 

NOLA: Yeah, well it sounds like you gotta balance the needs of your less popular, but still very important players with the demands of Rodrigo Pompeii, who you’re lucky to have on your team, but sounds like kind of a prima donna.

RYAN: He didn’t even show up to the meeting! 

BRIDGET: Lemme ask you this- what’s to keep a player like Rodrigo from hogging our whole hundred-dollar budget for himself? 

NOLA: So, you have to pay all of your players. Not just the superstars. Players work together in organizations called unions, which bargain for team owners for guaranteed minimum salaries. Which means everyone wants to have a good wage. 

BRIDGET: Oh yeah, there is a foosball union. They organized a player strike one year and we had to play foosball by flicking the ball with our fingers and I broke my pinky, and we caved and gave the players what they wanted.

RYAN: Yeah, you can learn more about strikes and unions in our episode, “What Are Unions?” season 6, episode 2, get with the program people!

NOLA: At the end of the day, leagues and team owners have an interest in making sure all the teams have somewhat equal talent. Because it makes it way more fun when you don’t know in advance who will win. We call it uncertainty of outcome. And the way that players are paid is one way that league rules can improve competitive balance. 

BRIDGET: Oh, interesting. So, that means one really, really good team can’t just pay all the money to get only the best players and have a super team that no one can beat? Because it would make for boring sports and no one wants that! 

RYAN: Yeah, athletes can’t earn so much that they destroy the entire system, and they have to deliver tangible results. Sorta the opposite of tech. 

BRIDGET: Ok, Nola. Thanks for talking to us. You’ve been a lifesaver.

NOLA: No problem! Good luck with your public radio foosball tournament! Win one for NPR.

BRIDGET: We’re not an NPR show, but whatever, doesn’t matter, thanks.

(SFX: HANGS UP)

(MUSIC: INSPIRATIONAL “RUDY”-LIKE SPORTS MUSIC)

BRIDGET: Ryan, I think I know what we have to do. We only have a hundred dollars and we gotta make it count. I know Nola said we should pay big bucks for some established hot shot player, but I think with our budget, our only choice is to find some undiscovered talent out there, someone who can win, but who is untested, and who wants to take a chance on us as much as we want to take a chance on them. 

RYAN: Great idea but uh, how do we find unknown talent? 

BRIDGET: Well, one of us needs to scout all the available foosball players out there and see who’s the best but most underappreciated. The other one needs to do a ton of back-breaking research into how to make sure those players are secret winners, and then also convince them to play on our team. Without going over budget. We’re gonna have to divide and conquer these tasks between us. 

RYAN: Hmm, sounds like the first thing involves watching a lot of foosball games while maybe getting to eat a hot dog. And the second thing involves a lot of reading. How bout I do the first thing and you do the second thing?

BRIDGET: Deal. By gum, we’re gonna assemble a foosball dream team and finally get a win this season… right after this break. 

Part 2:

-MILLION BAZILLION STING-

(SFX: CROWDED ROOM)

BRIDGET: Welcome back to Million Bazillion. Today, we’re trying to assemble a winning team for the highly competitive semi-annual Public Radio Foosball Tournament, and in the process, we’re learning a ton about how athlete salaries are decided, from the unions that negotiate their minimum pay to the popularity that drives up their asking prices. We’re about to apply what we learned from sports pay expert Nola Agha to the fast-paced world of player salary negotiation. Isn’t that right, Ryan?

RYAN: (RASPY) Oh, big time, Bridget. I was out there scouting players, getting a feel for the good ones. A lot of foosball talent out there, a lot of hustle, a lot of heart. Can’t wait to start negotiating.

BRIDGET: Why are you talking like that?

RYAN: All the scouts talk like this on the circuit. To be a scout, you gotta have the right attitude, the right intuition and the right voice. Let’s do this.

BRIDGET: Ok, buckle up, it’s time for us to… ROLL SOME CALLS.

(SFX: POINTER SISTERS STYLE ‘80s SYNTH)

(SFX: DIALING SOUND)

BRIDGET: Ok, so first of all, we had to trade some of our players. That means  swapping a player to a different team, like when you trade sandwiches at lunch. The player plays for a new team which will now be responsible for paying that player’s contract. 

RYAN: It’s not fun to let players go, but it’s part of the job. Good ball players, we wish ‘em the best on their new teams, but we only have one hundred dollars to assemble our team, so we gotta be wise and really make it count.

BRIDGET: I’m gonna call the manager of another team and see if I can arrange a trade.

(SFX: OUTGOING PHONE RING AND PICKUP) 

IRA GLASS (OVER PHONE): You’ve reached team This American Life. I’m Ira Glass. Who’s this?

BRIDGET: Hi,  Ira. It’s Bridget and Ryan from Million Bazillion. 

IRA GLASS: Well, well. If it isn’t Million Bazillion. Trying to win the foosball tournament yet again, are we? That’s very cute, but you know with This American Life’s giant budget behind me, I’m sure to win. 

BRIDGET: . You may have the most money to spend, but that doesn’t mean you’ll win this time. Look, we’re looking to trade our players number 5, 6, and 12 for one of your players.  

RYAN: We want Stephon Vontray, and we’ll give you three players for him.

IRA GLASS: Vontray, our midfielder? He’s been doing well for us. 

RYAN: Ok, Ira, three players. And we’ll throw in $10 bucks.

IRA GLASS: Here’s an offer I’d consider. Vontray for Pompeii. 

BRIDGET: Rodrigo’s contract with us is expired. He’s a free agent, so we can’t make that trade.

IRA GLASS: Pompeii’s ok to go his own way, you don’t say? Lemme think about this and call you back…. More after this.

(SFX: HANGUP SOUND)

RYAN: Ahhhh, Bridget! We gotta get Vontray! I got a good gut feeling about this one. Vontray’s got star quality, good build, a good sound to the crack of his wood when he hits the ball. I think we should be willing to trade three players plus throw in 30 bucks for this kid! 

BRIDGET: Wait. Not so fast. Let’s look at… the numbers.

(SFX: “MONEYBALL”-TYPE SCORE) 

RYAN: The numbers?

BRIDGET: Yeah. The Moneyball numbers. See, while you were out there scouting players on the field, I was studying the mathematics. By analyzing game stats, we can get a better  picture of a player’s true value. Some players appear flashy on the table, but according to the stats, don’t score enough goals to merit their high price tag. While other players are undervalued. 

RYAN: Like who?

BRIDGET: Take Doug Schwep. He’s a goalie for Make Me Smart’s team, The Smartypants. He had an injury last year so took half the season off. He doesn’t have a contract with anyone yet, so he’s a free agent and can look for a new team to join. Now could be a great time to snag him. 

RYAN: But my gut says pass on Schwep. He’s all beat up and ugly. He’s got no paint left on him. And he’s got a big chunk of his head missing.

BRIDGET: Sure, Doug Schwep looks pretty banged up, but the stats tell a different story.

RYAN: Again with the stats?

(MUSIC: MONEYBALL MUSIC) 

BRIDGET: If you look at the numbers, Schwep is secretly one of the most undervalued players in all of foosball. He has the highest goal-blocking average in the entire league. He should be selling for $40, but we can get him for a fraction of that price because he has a few nicks and scuffs.

RYAN: Nicks and scuffs? Half his head is missing!

BRIDGET: Who cares? Does he kick with his head?

RYAN: No.

BRIDGET: I’m telling you, the numbers are on his side. I think we should place a bid. I’m gonna call his agent.

RYAN: Ok, I guess if the moneyball says it’s ok.

BRIDGET: So you’re gonna keep doing the talent scout voice huh?

RYAN: I love what I do and yes I am. 

(SFX: DIALING AND RINGING)

JIMMY MCQUARRIE (THROUGH PHONE): This is Jimmy McQuarrie.

BRIDGET: Hey, Jimmy. It’s Bridget and Ryan from the Millie Bazillies.

RYAN: Has Rodrigo looked at our offer to resign with us? 

JIMMY MCQUARRIE: I can’t say that he has. Look, Rodrigo’s drowning in offers right now. Every team wants him, but I promise I’ll let you know when I know.

BRIDGET: Ok, but in the meantime, we want Schwep. 

JIMMY MCQUARRIE (THROUGH PHONE): Doug Schwep? Really?

BRIDGET: Yeah, We’ll give you 7 dollars for him.

JIMMY MCQUARRIE (THROUGH PHONE): Hmm. I’d have to talk it over with Doug, but one second- (SHOUTING) Doug, you want to play on the Millie Bazillies??!? (PAUSE) Ok, he nodded. He’s in.

BRIDGET: Yes! We’ll send over the contract and make it official. Talk later, Jimmy.

(SFX: HANG UP)

RYAN: [AS RYAN] Hey, how’s he gonna sign without hands? You still there? He hung up. Oh, uh- [CATCHES SELF, BACK TO SCOUT VOICE] So this “Moneyball,” is this some Bridget thing you came up with this yourself?

BRIDGET: Oh no, this is using data called sabermetrics.  A statistician named Bill James pioneered it. Then, kinda famously, the Oakland A’s general manager Brad Pitt- er, I mean, Billy Beane used it in the 2002 major league baseball season. Billy Beane used this system to assemble a team of seemingly uninspiring players  a limited budget…and those undervalued players went on to win a twenty game streak, one of the longest in Major League baseball. No question,  Billy Beane’s bold use of sabermetrics changed the game forever.

(SFX: PHONE RINGS AND WE PICK IT UP)

BRIDGET: Hello?

IRA GLASS (THROUGH PHONE): Bridget, hi it’s Ira Glass. Guess who I just snagged right out from under you? Rodrigo Pompeii.

(MUSIC: FLAMENCO GUITAR STING)

RYAN: (WHISPERS) We just lost, Rodrigo Pompeii, our star player, to Ira Glass! 

IRA GLASS: That’s right. You’ve been cut… by the Glasssss. 

RYAN: This is a catastrophe! We’re never gonna win the tournament now!

BRIDGET: Not necessarily… uh, wait Ira, I’m gonna put you on hold.

(RESUME MONEYBALL MUSIC)

RYAN: Oh no, are you gonna do more Moneyballing over here?

BRIDGET: Rodrigo may have a lot of charisma, but his stats tell a different story. Sure, he’s an aggressive striker with a loud kick, but his accuracy leaves a lot to be desired. He actually misses a higher percentage of the shots he takes than our fullback, number 19. Is he a good player? Yes. Is he worth holding onto for players who score more than him? Honestly, no. We’re better off finding someone who can WIN for us. And start that virtuous cycle of wins that lead to more fans that lead to more money to spend on even better players next year! 

RYAN: Ok, Bridget. You convinced me. But this better work.

(SFX: PHONE CLICK)

BRIDGET: Ira, congrats on snagging Rodrigo. We still want Vontray. We’ll trade you three players and $20 bucks for him.

IRA GLASS (THROUGH PHONE): Ok, you got a deal.

BRIDGET: Yessss!

IRA GLASS: Jimmy McQuarrie will be in touch about the paperwork…  Right after this.

(SFX: HANG UP)

RYAN: Ugh. I really want to beat Ira Glass now. This is personal. This started out as just a fun little thing we were doing for the episode, but I’m motivated now. We’re gonna keep using your moneyball process to stretch our tiny budget to build a motley crew of unloved players and see if we can win this tournament… when we come back.  

- MINI SEGMENT- 

Part 3:

(MUSIC: DRAMATIC SPORTS MUSIC)

BRIDGET: Well, this is it. Time for the big Public Radio foosball tournament.

RYAN: I hope all your— I said I hope all your moneyball tactics result in a team good enough to unseat Team This American Life as five-time foosball champions.

BRIDGET: Still with the voice, eh? We only had $100 dollars, but I think we bought a better foosball team than podcasts with triple our budget. And if we win the tournament, we’ll get even more money to work with next year.

IRA GLASS: Well, well, well, if it isn’t the two math whizzes from MIllion Bazillion.

RYAN: Excuse me, Ira Glass, I’m no math whiz. In fact, I can barely do math at all! So there.

IRA GLASS: You think you’re gonna beat my team with your lovably imperfect, ragtag group? (SCOFFS) You’re dreaming, especially after I snagged your star player! 

(MUSIC: FLAMENCO GUITAR STING)

RODRIGO: That’s right, amigos! Rodrigo’s living the This American High Life now! I get all the tote bags I want! I get recognized at the Farmer’s Market! Mike Birbiglia knows my name!

IRA GLASS: We’re paying him $1,000 dollars but we’ll make it all back in sales of “Pompeii’s too hot to handle” oven mitts! 

RYAN: $1,000 dollars! We never had a chance!

SPORTS ANNOUNCER: Ok, public radio personalities! Welcome to our Semi-annual Public Radio Foosball Tournament This tournament is only possible through the generous support of podcasters… like you. So… hit it!

(MUSIC: UPBEAT, GROWING IN MOMENTUM)

(SFX: FOOSBALL GAMING, HANDLES ROTATING, BALLS HITTING WOOD PIECES)

(THE FOLLOWING DIALOGUE HAS TO BE A LITTLE OVERLAPPY, APPROXIMATING THE FEEL OF CUTTING TOGETHER DIFFERENT BROADCASTS LIKE IN THAT MONEYBALL MONTAGE)

COMMENTATOR #1: … The general managers over at Million Bazillion think they’ve hacked the game with sabermetrics, but foosball requires instinct, experience, horse sense…

COMMENTATOR #2: … I agree, Phil, you don’t reinvent the game of foosball overnight.

ANNOUNCER: And the Millie BaZillies have started the tournament with a string of victories over This is Uncomfortable, Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me, and The Splendid Table.

COMMENTATOR #2: Ya gotta wonder if Bridget and Ryan were onto something with this moneyball strategy. They’ve won three games in a row…

RYAN: Bridget, after that third win, those half a head Doug Schwep hats are selling like hotcakes!

BRIDGET: Yes! And tickets for our next game are actually sold out!

(SFX: CROWD CHEERS)

ANNOUNCER: … And Million Bazillion schools the Ted Radio Hour with another astounding victory! We’ve never seen a streak like this in casually-played, low stakes foosball!

COMMENTATOR #1: Another Million Bazillion victory! Is it possible a try-hard kid’s podcast could sweep this whole tournament?

COMMENTATOR #2: I’m starting to think Bridget and Ryan have been right about everything the whole time.

(SFX: CROWD CHEERS)

ANNOUNCER: Everyone laughed when they assembled this team! And now Million Bazillion, is crushing it at foosball! Doug Schwep merchandise is flying off the shelves! The Bazillies ticket sales are through the roof!

COMMENTATOR #1: Yeah, and all that revenue is flowing into Million Bazillion to build an even more impressive roster for next year. But this year, the real test is gonna be them taking on This American Life. Ira Glass snagged their star player, Rodrigo Pompeii this season, but can the Bazillies score a victory and win this entire tournament?

BRIDGET: Okay Ryan, this is it, the final game, the big championship!

RYAN: If we win this one, we win the whole tournament!

ANNOUNCER: One minute remaining in a fourth quarter nailbiter! Million Bazillion and This American Life are tied with 12 points each. The ball goes to Rodrigo Pompei. Pompeii kicks, but Doug Schwep, the goalie with only half a head, blocks the shot, kicking it back! Pompeii kicks again, and Schwep blocks again! It’s  a battle between the beauty Pompeii, and the beast, Schwep, who did I mention, has a chunk of his head missing! Pompeii kicks and…. GOOOAAAAALLLLL! This American Life led by coach general manager Ira Glass takes home the Public Radio Foosball Championship once again!

(SFX: FADE DOWN CROWD CHEERS TO LOWER VOLUME)

COMMENTATOR #1: This just goes to show, Bridget and Ryan had the wrong idea with their moneyball approach. I was saying this all along. 

COMMENTATOR #2: Yeah, I’m on the record too for never having believed it would work. Pompeii was worth every penny.

COMMENTATOR #1: Oh well there’s always next year.

(SFX: CROWD CHEERS FADE DOWN TO A SHORT SILENT BREAK)

(MUSIC: MELANCHOLY PIANO)

(SFX: PLAYERS CHANGE IN THE LOCKER ROOM)

RYAN: Okay team, hit the showers, and clean out your lockers. Marketplace needs the space to store tote bags for the next pledge drive.

BRIDGET: Wait, Millie Bazillies, take a knee. I just wanna say, we may not have won the final game of the tournament. But I’m proud of what you all did out there. 

LOW-PITCHED FOOSBALL PLAYER: We’re proud of you too, coach. You took a gamble and it paid off.

HIGH-PITCHED FOOSBALL PLAYER:. Did you see all the fans out there wearin’ half-hats so they can look like Doug Schwep?

RYAN: Yeah, I guess that’s cool we made people happy. And with all the money we brought in, we can build an even better team next year. Anyway, what did we learn about how athletes are paid from all this?

(MUSIC: EXPLAINER MUSIC)

BRIDGET: Look, we left it all out there on the field. And along the way, we learned that all athletes get paid something to show up and play. And that’s what matters, that we show up, that we play the game. When players WIN their games, they are probably gonna get paid more. And though we win as a team, star players are gonna get paid as stars.   Because when sports teams win, they make more money they can pay to their best players. But even though these teams can make a lot of money during a season, no  team has an unlimited budget. They’re thinking about that budget when they’re putting together the rest of the team. To assemble a good team, you got to keep all these factors in mind. And even though Ira Glass walked away with the foosball tournament trophy again, I think we assembled a good team here.

RYAN: We sure did. And in sports, it’s important to remember how very few players make it to the big leagues, let alone get paid millions and millions. No game is just about winning and losing, and no game is just about money either. 

(END EXPLAINER MUSIC)

RYAN: Ok, team, (GRUNTS) time to roll you back into the storage closet until next year. 

(SFX: FOOSBALL PLAYERS GROAN)

RYAN: Sorry, but they say it’s a distraction to keep a foosball table in the office break room year-round. Same time, next year? And Doug Schwep, you’re getting a raise. 

HIGH-PITCHED FOOSBALL PLAYER: Same time, next year.

(SFX: HIGH PITCHED SLOW CLAPPING FROM THE FOOSBALL TABLE)

RYAN: Is our foosball team doing what I think they’re doing?

BRIDGET: I think they’re giving us a slow clap.

(MUSIC: EMOTIONAL MUSIC COMES TO A SWELL, THEN STOPS ABRUPTLY)

RYAN: Ok, nice try, but you guys are still going into storage. 

(TEAM GROANS)

(SFX: TABLE BEING LOADED INTO STORAGE)

–Theme Music-

BRIDGET: Alright, that’s it for *this episode of Million Bazillion but guess what! We have a bonus episode, for those of you who want to know, how much do OLYMPIC Athletes get paid? Check it out, it’s in your podcast feeds now! And don’t forget to check out the tipsheet for this episode, find it at our website, marketplace dot org slash million.

RYAN: And while you’re there, send us your question or idea for an episode! And maybe sign up for our newsletter, that’s marketplace dot org slash million. 

BRIDGET: Special thanks to Nola Agha, professor in the Sports Management Program at the University of San Francisco, and Victor Matheson at College of the Holy Cross, for all their help in explaining how athletes get paid!  

RYAN: Million Bazillion is brought to you by Marketplace, from American Public Media. This episode was written and hosted by me, Ryan Perez and Bridget Bodnar.

BRIDGET: And we featured the voices of Courtney Bergsieker, Alex Hanson, Drew Jostad, Jay Siebold, Tony Wagner, Bekah Wineman and Tim Lopez.

RYAN: Million Bazillion’s editor is Jasmine Romero. Our producers are Courtney Bergsieker, Minju Park, and Zoha Malik. Marissa Cabrera is our senior producer.

BRIDGET: Brendan Dalton sound designed this episode. 

Bekah Wineman did the mixing. 

Our theme music was created by Wonderly. 

RYAN: Bridget Bodnar is the Director of Podcasts at Marketplace. 

Francesca Levy is the Executive Director of Digital. 

Neal Scarbrough is the VP and General Manager.

BRIDGET: Million Bazillion is funded in part by the Sy Syms Foundation, partnering with organizations and people working for a better and more just future since 1985. And special thanks to The Ranzetta Family Charitable Fund and Next Gen Personal Finance for providing the start-up funding for this podcast, and continuing to support Marketplace in our work to make younger audiences smarter about the economy.

RYAN: If Million Bazillion is helping your family have important conversations about money, consider making a one-time donation today at marketplace-dot-org-slash-givemillion, and thanks for your support.