Bridget and Ryan get swept up in a cyberpunk adventure as they try to answer Cooper’s question about how online data thefts can lead to real world consequences for your bank account. With the help of longtime friend of the program, Scam Slammer Host Brenda Hammer, the duo travel inside the internet to follow the trail of our digital bread crumbs, and see how advertisers and fraudsters get to know more about us than we might think.
After you listen to the episode, here are some conversation starters and questions you can ask your kid listener:
What are some steps we should take the next time we’re online to protect our personal information?
Why do you think scammers try to make something seem really urgent when they're trying to get into your bank account?
Have you ever clicked on something and then worried it might be a scam? What did you do next?
Were you surprised to learn the ways that your online activity can be tracked or known by others?
*Bonus* Not-So-Random Question: how would you describe what your parents do for work?
For listeners who want to keep learning more about online theft, we’ve got ideas!
Want to learn more about protecting yourself from schemes, tricks and scams? Listen to our previous episode on ponzi schemes.
Follow that up with this episode from our friends at “Financially Inclined” all about the scams your teens should look out for.
If you’re a fan of Million Bazillion’s Brenda Hammer, then you’ll enjoy this episode about how to shop smart over the holidays.
Watch and play free math games, videos and activities with Cyberchase on PBS KIDS.
Thanks for listening to this episode! We’re already working hard on the next season and we’d love your help! We’re looking for your answers to these Not-So-Random questions:
If you owned your own restaurant, what would you name it?
What’s the silliest thing you’ve said to convinvce your parents to buy you something?
Have you ever lent money to a friend, why or why not?
What’s the most valuable thing you own?
Record your Million Bazillionaire answering any or all of these questions and send the audio using this online form. We just might include your kid in an upcoming episode!
This episode is sponsored by Greenlight. Sign up for Greenlight today at greenlight.com/million.
Note: Marketplace podcasts are meant to be heard, with emphasis, tone and audio elements a transcript can’t capture. Scripts may contain errors. Please check the corresponding audio before quoting it
(SFX: VIDEO GAME SOUNDS)
RYAN: Hey Bridget, what’s that videogame you’re playing?
BRIDGET: Oh this? It’s a virtual reality cyberpunk game.
RYAN: Virtual reality cyberpunk, you say?
BRIDGET: Yeah, it’s my favorite science-fiction subgenre, all about futuristic technologies in hypothetical dystopias.
RYAN: Eh, can you say that one more time in English?
BRIDGET: It’s about bad things happening with computers.
RYAN: And what’s that helmet you’re wearing on your head??
BRIDGET: That’s the virtual reality part. I’m playing this game not as myself, but as a grizzled detective who has to solve a crime in a digital metropolis. So I custom built these goggles and helmet to make the game experience more real.
RYAN: Wow, where did you learn to do that?
BRIDGET: I took a night class in computer engineering at the community college. The only problem is when I’m wearing my virtual reality helmet, I can’t see what’s going on around me. Where’s my water bottle?
(SFX: STUFF CRASHING OFF TABLE)
RYAN: Bridget, look out!
BRIDGET: Whoops!
(SFX: SLIP AND FALL SOUND)
–Theme Music–
BRIDGET: Welcome to Million Bazillion. I’m Bridget!
RYAN: I’m Ryan And We Help Dollars Make More Sense.
BRIDGET: Okay, lemme put this game away….
(SFX: VIRTUAL REALITY GAME POWERING DOWN)
BRIDGET: … and let’s take today’s question.
COOPER “Hi, my name is Cooper, I’m from Tennessee and my question is, why and how is there online scamming?”
BRIDGET: Interesting. How’d you come up with this question, Cooper?
COOPER: “What kind of prompted this question for me is that a few months ago, my grandfather was playing on this website called Chess.com, but he got notified a few times that, like, his account had been discovered and hacked and information could be stolen so he had to change a few things..
BRIDGET: Your grandpa’s chess information was hacked?
RYAN: (CONCERNED) They didn’t take his queen, did they?
BRIDGET: Ryan!
COOPER: Eventually, it happened too many times and so he gave up and stopped playing on chess.com. He’s still able to enjoy chess though, just in different ways.
RYAN: [ASIDE] That’s a relief for Cooper’s grandpa.
BRIDGET: Interesting, so what did this experience show you about online scamming?
COOPER: I kind of noticed that online scamming is kind of the new type of crimes but I was kind of wondering, why has it taken over and become like, the main crime, aside from other crimes like bank robberies and stuff like that. Because it doesn’t happen as much anymore.
BRIDGET & RYAN: Uh-huh, oh, that’s true
COOPER: Also, how did online scamming start and what are some ways to stop it in its tracks?
BRIDGET: Well, these are all important questions!
(MUSIC: EXPLAINER MUSIC)
BRIDGET: Online scamming is a bigger problem today than it’s ever been because, much like Cooper’s grandpa, we live more and more of our lives online. When we buy something on the internet, when we download apps to our phones or play online games, we share our personal information, like our addresses. Our full names. Credit card numbers. These little data points are like breadcrumbs that we leave in a trail across the internet. Some people follow those breadcrumbs to…sell us stuff, like advertisers. But some of those bread crumbs also make us vulnerable to hackers and scammers. That’s what the answer to this question is all about. Luckily, there are some ways to make yourself safer online and a lot of it is knowing how to spot a scam in the first place-
(MUSIC: EXPLAINER MUSIC INTERRUPTED)
RYAN: Bridget, I just had an idea for what we should do!
BRIDGET: (SCARED) Ahh, what is it?
RYAN: Sorry, but I just had a thought! We should go into the internet using virtual reality, like they do in cyber-bunk-
BRIDGET: Cyber-punk.
RYAN: Whatever! We should go into the internet and see how these scammers work and maybe put a stop to them.
BRIDGET: Hmm, well, I have always wanted to solve a crime inside the internet. Oh what the hey, let’s do it .… when we come back.
–ARK
KIMBERLY: And now … it’s time for Asking Random Kids Not-So-Random Questions … Today’s question is: Without saying their actual job, describe what your parents do at work.
VOX: My mom lets people apply for the school she works for. My dad creates renewable energy in his job. /They do the computer things./Do emails and phone calls. /My mom does facials and my dad works at a bike shop. /So my dad works for a place that studies and organizes DNA files, and my mom has a similar job. /I know my mom works with maps a lot, but I do not understand what my dad does.
KIMBERLY: That was …Lillian in Helsinki, Joshua in California, Stella in California, Cecelia in Colorado, and Kai in Florida. This has been Asking Random Kids Not-So-Random Questions.
Part 1:
(SFX: COMPUTER METAL CLINKING, SOLDERING SOUNDS, GETTING PROGRESSIVELY LOUDER)
RYAN: And we’re baaack. On today’s Million Bazillion, we’re looking into the world of online scamming, how it happens, and how we can stop it from happening to us.. So how is this trip inside the internet gonna work?
BRIDGET: We just pop these virtual reality helmets on, I made us a special set for this trip into the internet.
(SFX: HELMETS PLOPPING ON)
BRIDGET: (MUFFLED FROM INSIDE HELMET) And when I flip this switch, we’ll be transported into the innermost workings of the internet. Oh, one thing I should mention. We’ll probably forget whatever happens in virtual reality. It’s a little like waking up from a dream. Sometimes you remember it, but usually you don’t.
RYAN: Interesting. I love all these cyber-punk rules.
BRIDGET: Ok, if you’re ready, let’s jack into the system!
(MUSIC: SUSPENSEFUL BUILDUP)
(SFX: SWITCH CLICKS)
BRIDGET: Wait. Nothing happened. (CLICKS ON MOUSE) Ugh, our internet connection is down.
RYAN: Oh, just use the wifi network for the coffee shop next door. You don’t need a password for it.
BRIDGET: Oh good idea. (MOUSE CLICKS) OK, one more time, let’s jack into the system!
(SFX: ELECTRONIC WHOOSHING)
(MUSIC: SYNTHY ELECTRONICA)
BRIDGET/RYAN: Ahhhhhh!
(SFX: THUMP SOUND)
(SFX: ELECTRONIC GAMING HUM WITH OCCASIONAL BLIPS)
RYAN: Ahh, where are we?
BRIDGET: We’re inside the internet, on the game boards of chess dot-com, where Cooper’s grandpa’s account was hacked. And we’re here to see how the crime of hacking works.
RYAN: I dunno. This doesn’t look like a crime scene to me. Just looks like a boring chess game with giant digital pieces-
(SFX: HORSE NEIGH)
(SFX: THUD SOUND)
SFX: MEDIEVAL JOUSTING
CHESSMAN: [IN DISTANCE] Queen to E3!
RYAN: Ahh, I almost got crushed by the horsey piece!
BRIDGET: That’s called a knight. And, look, I think I found where this site keeps their user data.
(SFX: FILING CABINET OPENING, ACCOMPANIED BY ELECTRONIC SOUND. SOMETHING TO INDICATE “ELECTRONIC FILING CABINET”)
BRIDGET: Names, addresses, phone numbers. They’re all here! Including your name. Ryan, you signed up for this site too?
RYAN: Yes, by mistake. I thought I was singing up for cheese.com, but turns out chess is fun too! And it’s perfectly safe. Having your name and phone number out there isn’t such a bad thing, is it? What’s the danger in that?
BRIDGET: Well, it might seem like nothing too bad, but it’s just the start–
(SFX: FUTURISTIC “SCRAPER” SOUND)
RYAN: Wait, what’s that sound?
BRIDGET: Oh no! It’s the scrapers! Hide!
(SFX: DANGER MUSIC)
RYAN: Scrapers? What’s a scraper?
BRIDGET: (HUSHED) Data scrapers! They’re tools that are designed to go through websites and gather up information that people have left there. Remember those data crumbs I mentioned earlier? Depending on how a website is built, it’s easy for the scrapers to come along and suck up all those data crumbs.
(SFX: ELECTRONIC VACUUM SOUND)
DATA BROKER (AUSTRALIAN MAD MAX-TYPE BADDIE) Keep sucking up that data! We got some online profiles near completion! We still gotta grab data from Facebook, Etsy, and Twitch.tv before the end of the day!
RYAN: But who would want all that data? And what would they do with all that data?
BRIDGET: That’s what we have to find out. Follow me!
(SFX: HANDS GRABBING ONTO METAL)
BRIDGET: We’re gonna grab onto the back of that data scraper and see where it takes us back to. Grab on!
RYAN: Ahhhhhh! I’m barely holding on! I’m gonna fall!
BRIDGET: It’s alright I gotcha!
(SFX: SCRAPER TAKING OFF)
(MUSIC: ACTION STING)
(SFX: SCRAPER LANDING)
(SFX: TRUCK BACKUP BEEP, GARBAGE TRUCK SOUND OF DUMPING)
(SFX: BUSY BAZAAR CROWDED WITH PEOPLE)
RYAN: What is this place? Where did the data scraper take us?
BRIDGET: I’m not sure. It looks like some kind of marketplace. Not the popular radio show about business and the economy, to be clear. I mean like an actual marketplace or bazaar with people selling stuff.
DATA BROKER: Alright, here’s some fresh data for y’all to sink your teeth into! I have the phone number of Larry Bledsoe, 55-years-old, Duluth, Minnesota! He’s a 55-year-old coin collecter in the market for foot fungus cream! I get for him, who’ll buy this data!?! Fresh hot data!
(SFX: CROWD REACTS WITH EAGER HOOTS AND HOLLARS)
RYAN: What’s going on? Who are these people?
BRIDGET: (HUSHED) It looks like these data brokers who are bundling their data and selling it back to anyone who wants to buy it.
RYAN: (HUSHED) Who would want this data, Bridget? It’s so boring?
BRIDGET: (HUSHED) Well I bet a lot of these guys are advertisers and marketers…they believe the more they know about you, the better they can convince you to buy their stuff
MARKETER #1: [QUICKLY] Hey, I’m a marketer trying to sell foot fungus cream! I’ll buy that data!
DATA BROKER: Sold! Ok, next up, I got a 23-year old Canadian woman who loves Funko Pop figurines and uses Instagram for 4 hours a day!
MARKETER #2: [FAST/SHOUTING] I sell figurines! I’ll buy her data!
DATA BROKER: DEAL! OK, next up, check out this random loser: Ryan. Through looking at his data, we can tell he’s a single man who orders a lot of cat food delivered to his house. Apparently, his cat’s name is Skimbleshanks.
BRIDGET: Ryan, they’re talking about you! They scraped your data!
RYAN: Hey, wait a minute! I never said someone could sell my profile! I want all that information back!
DATA BROKER: He also signed up for the Hair Club for Men to get a special coupon for his birthday, September 18th
(SFX: BAZAAR CROWD LAUGHS)
DATA BROKER: [SHOUTING] : And he used a ticketing site to buy a front row seat to the Cirque du Soleil Avatar-inspired show, Toruk’s First Flight.
(SFX: MORE LAUGHTER)
RYAN: What’s everyone laughing at? That was a good show.
BRIDGET: Ok, I’ve seen enough. These data brokers and merchants must be scamming people!! We gotta move in for a citizen’s arrest!
BRENDA HAMMER: Not so fast, Bridget and Ryan!
(SFX: BRENDA HAMMER STING)
BRIDGET: Brenda Hammer? Host of my favorite show, ScamSlammers! I knew you slammed scams in real life, but what are you doing here in the internet?
BRENDA HAMMER: With so many of today’s scams happening on the cyber-internet-web, you bet your bippy Brenda Hammer is very online these days. In real life, people would never hand over their address, birthday and credit card number at all once to some stranger. But many of us give it out a little bit over time online. And that data gets assembled and sold to whoever wants it!
RYAN: Well, we gotta stop that from happening!
BRENDA HAMMER: Believe me, I’ve had the same idea. But wouldn’t you know, most of what they’re doing is perfectly legal.
BRIDGET/RYAN: (SHOCKED) What? How can that be?
BRENDA HAMMER: Some data brokers like this creepazoid are able to operate within the bounds of the law and according to the rules of a particular website. They can’t be prosecuted for either buying data directly from online merchants, or scraping the info individuals freely share from where they can get it.
BAZAAR MERCHANT #1: Alright, those are all the profiles we’ve assembled for today. We’re gonna go out, get more data, and see y’all tomorrow!!
(SFX: CROWD DISAPPOINTED, SCRAPERS TAKE OFF)
BRIDGET: Ahhh! They’re getting away!
BRENDA HAMMER: And, as of right now, there’s not much that can be done about it. So word to wise, try not to share much about yourself online where others might be able to view it publicly. Your birthday, where you live, when you’re going places. Even though social media sites like MySpace and Friendster have trained us to share things.
BRIDGET: Yeah, Instagram and TikTok too.
BRENDA HAMMER: Never heard of those. But the same is true either way- the more anonymous you can be online, the safer you will be in the future!
RYAN: But it’s hard to not use the internet nowadays! For example, I once used a ticketing site, I won’t say their name on air- ok, it’s Ticketmaster, which is like the only way you can buy a ticket to an event. And my information still got stolen from Ticketmaster and I’m pretty sure that’s how all these people at the data marketplace knew I saw the Avatar Cirque Du Soleil show, Toruk’s First Flight!
BRENDA HAMMER: You saw that show? I saw that show!
SFX: GENTLE VERSION OF ROMANCE MUSIC
RYAN: Really?
BRENDA HAMMER: Yeah, I thought I was the only one.
RYAN: Hmm, that’s funny. We have the same taste in theater.
BRENDA HAMMER: Anyway, the data breach you’re talking about with Ticketmaster is a little different. A data breach is when thieves break into a website to steal the data that people thought was perfectly safe and hidden.
BRIDGET: Okay so that’s definitely illegal, right?
BRENDA HAMMER: As sure as I hate scams, it is. The thieves get sensitive information like credit card numbers and social security numbers for hundreds or thousands of people at a time. You think advertisers using what they know about your past purchases to sell you stuff is annoying, but when the wrong people get your real serious personal info, they can use it to commit some serious money-related crimes. Then it’s up to banks and credit card companies to step in and stop those scammers from using that stolen information to get your money.
BRIDGET: Wow, this is all very good information for answering Cooper’s question. I hope I remember all this. They say you mostly forget what happens in virtual reality.
(SFX: PHONE DING)
BRENDA HAMMER: Speaking of scamming! I just received a fraud alert from my bank. Let’s hop aboard one of these flying doohickeys and hightail it to my bank’s website, where we can learn more about cybersecurity!
BRIDGET: Ok, let’s go!
(SFX: GETTING ON THE MACHINE)
SFX: ROMANCE MUSIC
RYAN: Oh, watch your step, Brenda. Here, you can take my hand.
BRENDA HAMMER: Oh, thank you, Ryan. You’re such a… gentleman.
RYAN: (CLEARS THROAT) Eh, it’s my pleasure. Ok, we’re gonna continue our deep dive into online scamming, right after this!
MIDROLL -
Part 2:
(SFX: SOUND OF BEING ON A HOVERING VEHICLE)
(MUSIC: BLADE RUNNER- STYLE VANGELIS-TYPE SCORE)
BRIDGET: Welcome back to Million Bazillion! Today, we’ve taken our show inside the internet, where we met up with scam expert Brenda Hammer, taking a look at different kinds of online thievery and the ways to prevent it. Right now, we’re soaring through the internet, through Wikipedia Valley, over Ebay Mountain, to Brenda Hammer’s bank because she just got a fraud alert and is very upset.
SFX: Romance Music
BRENDA HAMMER: (GIGGLING) Ryan, stop distracting me. I’m trying to fly this thing.
RYAN: Wait, wait. It’s just- you have a loose eyelash. Here, got it. Make a wish and blow.
BRENDA: Ok. (BLOWS)
RYAN: What did you wish for?
BRENDA: That you’d be quiet for a minute! (LAUGHS)
RYAN: (LAUGHS, SIGHS) Y’know, I just noticed your eyes really are… beautiful, Brenda.
BRIDGET: Hey guys, how’s it going up there?
BRENDA: (CLEARS THROAT) Uh, yeah. We’re almost there. Landing right now.
(SFX:HYDRAULIC LANDING SOUND WITH THE “PFFF”)
TELLER1: Welcome to Rock Solid Bank, where our security is solid as oak. How may I help you?
BRENDA HAMMER: I’m Brenda Hammer from Scam Slammers and I just received a fraud alert. I want to log in and see what’s going on.
TELLER 1: Welcome back, Ms. Hammer. Let’s get you safely logged in. Let’s enter your information into our highly secure website keyboard. What’s your username and password?
BRENDA: My username is BrendaTheHammerScamSlammer. Now Bridget and Ryan, you should never let anyone see your password, but I trust Ryan, I’ll read it out loud. My password is uppercase X, lowercase T, 525, underscore, 75, uppercase P, lowercase P, uppercase P, lowercase D, 212, ampersand, exclamation point, hashtag, Z
BRIDGET: Wow, very secure password.
BRENDA: lowercase V, uppercase BBB, 127, exclamation point.
BRIDGET: Wow, really I’m impressed. Was that password generated by a password manager?
BRENDA: No! I invent all my passwords myself. It’s my jazz.
TELLER 1: Ok, thank you, Ms. Hammer. Now, just to prove it’s you, I’m gonna send a code to your phone. And then you’ll enter that into the website keyboard.
(SFX: PHONE DING)
BRENDA: This is the two-factor authentication. This is an extra security step to thwart scammers. I’ll just enter this here into the bank’s website
SFX: KEYBOARD CLICKS AND BEE BOOPS
TELLER 1: Ok, and just for extra security, would you mind answering a security question for me. What was the name of your first pet?
BRENDA: A tabby cat named Grizabella.
RYAN: Brenda! I have a tabby cat named Skimbleshanks!
BRENDA: Get out! (BASHFUL) Wow, yet another thing we’ve had in common this whole time.
SFX: ROMANCE MUSIC
RYAN: I can’t believe you’ve done the show 2 or 3 times before and I’m only just getting to know you now. You just never stop… surprising me, Brenda.
TELLER 1: (COUGHS TO BREAK AWKWARDNESS) And… you’re in. Enjoy banking, Ms. Hammer, and when you’re done be sure to log out.
BRENDA: Now as you can see, all these methods make it pretty hard for a thief to impersonate you online. And even if someone does get ahold of your credit card or bank info, most banks now use advanced algorithms to warn you if there’s fraudulent spending afoot.
RYAN: How do they do that?
BRENDA: By analyzing your regular spending. Like take a look at my recent bank statement.
SFX: Paper scroll being unfurled
BRIDGET: (READING) Bob’s Coffee Shop, 5 dollars. Salad Hutch, 15 dollars. Sav-Mart Grocery $30. Bob’s Coffee Shop, 5 dollars. Salad Hutch, 15 dollars. Sav-Mart Grocery $30. Bob’s Coffee Shop, 5 dollars. Salad Hutch, 15 dollars. Wow, you really like the same three places, don’t you?
BRENDA: As you can see, my daily spending routine forms a pattern of life. The bank can see where I usually use the card, how much I charge, and the velocity- or how many transactions I make and how fast I make them. If I were to suddenly spend thousands of dollars at some place I never shop, or make a bunch of charges in a row, that's when the bank would probably give me a fraud alert.
BRIDGET: Ok, so let’s say your credit or debit card gets stolen-
BRENDA: Then call your bank right away!
BRIDGET: Yes, but let’s say you don’t realize it’s stolen for a while and a fraudulent charge goes through, who pays for it? The customer or the merchant or the bank?
BRENDA: If the charge goes through but the customer claims fraud, in most cases the bank covers the expense of the fraudulent charges.
BRIDGET: But doesn’t that get expensive for the bank? Covering all those charges and everything…
(SFX: CELL PHONE ALERT)
RYAN: Oh, sorry, I’m getting a call. Lemme step over here and answer this.
BRIDGET: Sure thing. So, Brenda, how do you know if–
BRENDA: (QUIETER) Bridget, can I ask you something?
BRIDGET: Yeah?
BRENDA: Are you sensing a vibe here between me and Ryan?
BRIDGET: Uhhh…
.
(FADE DOWN BRIDGET AND BRENDA’S DIALOGUE EXCHANGE)
FAKE BANK SECURITY AGENT: (MALE, URGENT) Hello, are you Ryan?
RYAN: Uh, yeah.
FAKE BANK SECURITY AGENT: I have a critical security alert from your bank, First Unemployed Actors Credit Union. There are scammers draining your account right now, you need to give me your password right away so I can stop them!
RYAN: Oh my gosh, I’m getting a fraud alert just like Brenda. Another thing we have in common. Uh, I’m sorta in the middle of something. Can it wait?
FAKE BANK SECURITY AGENT: It absolutely can not.
RYAN: Oh, well maybe I can just go to my bank website and handle it through there.
FAKE BANK SECURITY AGENT: No, you need to verify your password immediately over the phone or you’ll lose all your money.
RYAN: Oh, of course, then. It’s 8. 5. 16. That’s my cat Skimbleshank’s birthday.
FAKE BANK SECURITY AGENT: Thank you. Bye bye!
(SFX: HANG UP SOUND)
BRENDA: (FORCEFUL) Hey, Ryan. Who were you talking to just now? Who was that?
RYAN: Just a security agent from my bank. Not a girlfriend. I have no girlfriend.
BRENDA: Did you give him any kind of info?
RYAN: Just my bank login password, what? Why?
BRENDA: Over the phone?! Ryan! That was a thief stealing your bank info!
RYAN: What?? But my bank, the Unemployed Actors Credit Union, has a strict no refunds on scams policy! It’s what makes them one of the most poorly rated regional banks in the country! We gotta do something or I’ll lose everything!
BRENDA: We gotta go after him!! Let’s roll!
(SFX: EXCITING ELECTRONIC CHASE MUSIC)
(SFX: HOVERCRAFT TAKING OFF)
BRIDGET: How did you know that was a thief? You gave all that same type of information to your bank just now!
BRENDA: Because I was AT the bank! Banks never contact customers asking for their passwords or pin numbers! Not over email, not over text, not over the phone! If someone contacts you, asking for info like that, you can always refuse and insist on giving the information by calling back your bank or credit card company directly!
RYAN: Ok, I’m sorry I missed the signs, Brenda, but can you slow down a little?
BRENDA: No! We gotta catch this thief! No one scams my Ryan and gets away with it!
BRIDGET: Did you just say “my Ryan?
BRENDA: No! I said, “No one scams Ryan!” You misheard! But, for the record, this is definitely the most I’ve ever been personally invested in slamming a scam!
BRIDGET: Ok, hate to do this in the middle of the action, but let’s take one more break and we’ll be right back after this!
- MINI SEGMENT- (HOW TO ROB A BANK)
ANNOUNCER: Million Bazillion Theatre Presents… How to Rob a Bank.
BANK ROBBER (GRUFF DICK TRACY VILLAIN CRIMINAL TYPE): Hello, I’m Griff Grifton, and between 1965 and 1998, I successfully robbed hundreds of banks and evaded the police every time until one time my driver fell asleep in the getaway car and I was caught and sent to prison. But now I’m out of jail and ready to rob again! Follow me and I’ll show ya how!
(SFX: OLD TIMEY NOIR CRIME MUSIC)
BANK ROBBER: Step number one. Choose the bank you want to rob…. Huh, there used to be a ton of banks in this town. Now it’s kinda hard to find any. Oh, wait, there’s one. Step two: Scope the bank out, and come up with a plan to rob it-
GUARD: (CLEARS THROAT) Excuse me, sir.
BANK ROBBER: Uh… yeah?
GUARD: You’re sort of hanging around the bank suspiciously. Are you gonna rob this bank?
BANK ROBBER: What? No? How did you even see me?
GUARD: We have cameras everywhere.
BANK ROBBER: Even pointed at the parking lot?
GUARD: Yes. Everywhere. This is a bank.
BANK ROBBER: Well, I wasn’t gonna rob it. I was just gonna go inside…. Step 3. Forget that nosy guard. We’ll have to do without the element of surprise. So just barge inside the bank and yell, “Be cool, everybody! This is a robbery! You, behind the counter, gimme all the cash in the safe!”
TELLER 2: Uh, ok? But we don’t keep that much cash in the safe.
BANK ROBBER: What? Why not?
TELLER 2: Honestly, most people do their banking online now. So we keep a lot less cash around than we used to. Seriously, have you been under a rock or something?
BANK ROBBER: No, in prison. Ok, well, then gimme whatever cash you got anyway-
(SFX: POLICE SIRENS)
COPS: Police! Freeze!
BANK ROBBER: Whoa that was fast.
COP: You’re under arrest for bank robbery.
BANK ROBBERY: Attempted bank robbery.
COP: Oh yeah, I guess you’re right.
BANK ROBBER: Ok, copper, you can arrest me, but I’ll be back on the street in no time.
COP: Actually you probably won’t get out for at least ten years.
BANK ROBBER: Whoa! That’s longer than it used to be!
TELLER 2: Why didn’t you just try to steal some money online? Robbing a bank is so much risk and so little reward.
BANK ROBBER: I didn’t think it through, ok? Step 4, make a run for it!
(SFX: SOUNDS OF ROBBER BEING TACKLED)
BANK ROBBER: Ouch! Ok, Step 5. Surrender to the police.
COP: Cuff this dummy.
BANK ROBBER: Step 6. Don’t rob a bank. It’s not worth it. In fact, don’t do any kind of robbing, but especially not a bank! It’s too hard these days! There aren’t as many banks, and the security is way tighter than it used to be, they don’t keep as much money in the safe and the punishments are harsher than they used to be! Overall, just a dumb idea!
COP: Who are you talking to anyway?
BANK ROBBER: Eh, the listeners of a kid’s podcast.
COP: You were trying to teach kids how to rob a bank?
BANK ROBBER: I didn’t think it through, ok?
ANNOUNCER: This has been… Million Bazillion Theatre Presents… How to Rob a Bank.
Part 3:
(SFX: EXCITING ELECTRONIC CHASE MUSIC)
(SFX: HOVERCRAFT CHASING)
BRIDGET: Welcome back to the conclusion of Million Bazillion! We’re wrapping up our episode on online scamming inside the internet, in hot pursuit of an online thief who stole Ryan’s bank info by posing as a bank security agent!
BRENDA: He’s headed straight to Ryan’s banking website, we gotta get there before he does! Hold onto your butts!
BRIDGET/RYAN: Ahhhhhh!
(SFX: HOVERCRAFT SKIDS)
BRENDA: Quick! Get out! That thief is headed toward the teller’s window!
SFX FOOT STEPS RUNNING
FAKE BANK SECURITY AGENT: (FAST, OUT OF BREATH) Hello, my name is Ryan and I’d like to pull all of my money out of the bank.
TELLER 1: I can help you with that today, Ryan. I just need your login info.
FAKE BANK SECURITY AGENT: Sure, my password is 8.5.16.
BRENDA: (OUT OF BREATH) Stop! That’s not the real Ryan! This is the real Ryan.
RYAN: Don’t give that thief any of my money!
FAKE BANK SECURITY AGENT: Don’t listen to him! I’m the real Ryan. I even have a bald spot, see, from his profile! You wanna know my birthday?? It’s September 18th! Now let me withdraw all my money!
TELLER 1: Hmmm, I guess there’s only one way to solve this. Can you answer a security question? What was the car you drove in high school?
FAKE BANK SECURITY AGENT: Uhhh, a Honda Civic?
RYAN: Aha! Trick question. I didn’t have a car! I rode my bike!
BRENDA: Nice try, but looks like your scam has been slammed!
(SFX: SCAM SLAMMERS STING)
FAKE BANK SECURITY AGENT: (GULP) I’m outta here!
(SFX: FOOTSTEPS RUNNING
SFX: HOVERCRAFT FLYING AWAY)
BRIDGET: Wait! Don’t let him get away! Shouldn’t we try to catch him?
BRENDA: Eh, it’s actually pretty hard to catch these kinds of thieves online. Your best bet to protect yourself is to bank securely.
(SFX: SENTIMENTAL SYNTH MUSIC)
RYAN: I don’t how to thank you, Brenda Hammer. Not only did you save my bank account, you’ve revealed to us the mysteries of online crookery.
BRENDA HAMMER: But it’s you, Ryan, who has revealed to me, a lonely scam slammer, the mysteries of the human heart.
(BEAT)
BRIDGET: Ok, so I guess one of us should probably sum up what we learned today?
RYAN: (DISTRACTED) You can do it.
BRENDA: (DISTRACTED) Yeah, you can do it, Bridget.
BRIDGET: Ok, well…. We do so much stuff online today, we could all stand to be a little more careful with our personal and sensitive information. Experts say, most of us are going to over-share or have important personal data stolen, and that might come with some financial consequences. Just like Cooper’s grandpa found out, the hard way. It’s best to put as little personal information about yourself online as possible. And here are some other tips: don’t click on weird links. Use strong passwords that you keep safe and don’t share. Use two-factor authentication and other best cybersecurity practices when you can. Keep an eye on your money accounts so you can quickly spot something odd. And stay alert for anyone pretending to be a bank, for example - be skeptical, and don’t panic. If anything goes wrong, contact your bank right away. Use the protections that banks and financial institutions have for you. Ok, I think that’s a good little summary. Did I miss anything guys?... Guys? Ryan!
RYAN: Oh, sorry, I was just lost in Brenda’s eyes. No, I think you got it all. This has been a (AUDIO STUTTERS) really informative (AUDIO STUTTERS) episode- hey what’s going on? (AUDIO STUTTERS) Why is my transmission going in and out?
BRIDGET: Oh, it’s probably that janky free coffee shop WiFi we’re using.
BRENDA: What did you just say?
BRIDGET: Oh, our personal internet was down earlier, so we’ve been on a public WiFi network this whole time.
BRENDA: That’s one of the worst things you can do for cybersecurity! You've been revealing bank and credit card details this whole time on an unsecured network! You should only do banking on a secure network you know and trust. You two need to log off immediately!
(MUSIC: SENTIMENTAL AND SAD)
RYAN: No! I won’t leave you, Brenda Hammer of Scamslamers. I’ve finally found joy inside the internet with you, and I refuse to let those memories be scattered like so many megabytes to the wind.
BRIDGET: But, Ryan, you heard her. We gotta log off now or things could get really bad for us in real life!
BRENDA: She’s right, Ryan. You need to log off and return to reality. Don’t worry, my Ryan, I’ve got more scams to slam in cyber for now. But I’ll find you in the real world after!
RYAN: But what if when I log off I don’t remember any of this happened? I could forget all of this.
BRENDA: Then, que sera sera. Even if we meet again IRL and can’t remember this time we shared, we’ll always have this time we shared together in cyber. Goodbye, Ryan.
RYAN: Ok. Goodbye, Brenda.
BRIDGET: Alright, I’m logging us off in 3… 2… 1.
BRENDA: [DRAWN OUT/ECHO’ING] Que sera sera!
(SFX: ELECTRONIC WHOOSH SOUND)
(SFX: RETURN TO SUDDEN NORMAL ROOM AMBI, DISTANT TRAFFIC, ETC)
BRIDGET: (DAZED, INSIDE HELMET) What just happened?
RYAN: (DAZED, INSIDE HELMET) Ugh, I don’t know. Did we both just doze off?
BRIDGET: No, we’re wearing virtual reality helmets. (HELMET POPS OFF) Do you remember where we went or who we met?
RYAN: (HELMET POPS OFF) No, I can’t remember anything. I’m hungry, though.
BRIDGET: Well, whatever happened in cyberspace, I hope we answered Cooper’s question about online scamming.
RYAN: Me too- ow, my head. Feels like I got hit with a hammer. [SOFTLY] Hammer. (GASP)
BRIDGET: What is it?
RYAN: I just… had deja vu for a second. A sudden memory of being very happy… But I just lost it… Oh well. Que sera sera.
BRIDGET: (SIGHS) Que sera sera.
–Theme Music-
Credits
BRIDGET: Alright, that’s it for this episode of Million Bazillion! Thanks for listening! If you’ve got a money question you want us to answer, or an idea for an episode, send it to us at our website! That’s Marketplace dot org slash million!
RYAN: And did you know we create really helpful tipsheets for each episode? They’re great, they’ve got conversation starters, and more info about the day’s topic for listeners who want to keep learning. We send them as a newsletter on release day. Sign up at marketplace dot org slash million!
BRIDGET: Million Bazillion is brought to you by Marketplace, from American Public Media. This episode was written and hosted by me, Ryan Perez and Bridget Bodnar.
RYAN: Million Bazillion’s editor is Jasmine Romero. Our producers are Courtney Bergsieker, Minju Park and Zoha Malik. Marissa Cabrera is our senior producer.
BRIDGET: You heard some very special performances from: Courtney Bergsieker, Brendan Dalton, Drew Jostad, Francesca Levy, Dylan Miettinen, Ben Prevor, Jay Siebol, and Flora Warshaw.
BRIDGET: Sam Bair sound designed this episode.
Bekah Wineman did the mixing.
Our theme music was created by Wonderly.
RYAN: Bridget Bodnar is the Director of Podcasts at Marketplace.
Francesca Levy is the Executive Director of Digital.
Neal Scarbrough is the VP and General Manager.
BRIDGET: Million Bazillion is funded in part by the Sy Syms Foundation, partnering with organizations and people working for a better and more just future since 1985. And special thanks to The Ranzetta Family Charitable Fund and Next Gen Personal Finance for providing the start-up funding for this podcast, and continuing to support Marketplace in our work to make younger audiences smarter about the economy.
RYAN: If Million Bazillion is helping your family have important conversations about money, consider making a one-time donation today at marketplace-dot-org-slash-givemillion, and thanks for your support.
The Ranzetta Family Charitable Fund and Next Gen Personal Finance, supports Marketplace’s work to make younger audiences smarter about the economy. Next Gen Personal Finance is a non-profit that believes all students benefit from having a financial education before they cross the stage at high school graduation.
Greenlight is a debit card and money app for kids and teens. Through the Greenlight app, parents can transfer money, automate allowance, manage chores, set flexible spend controls and invest for their kids’ futures (parents can invest on the platform too!) Kids and teens learn to earn, save, spend wisely, give and invest with parental approval. Our mission is to shine a light on the world of money for families and empower parents to raise financially-smart kids. We aim to create a world where every child grows up to be financially healthy and happy. Today, Greenlight serves 5 million+ parents and kids, helping them learn healthy financial habits, collectively save more than $350 million to-date and invest more than $20 million.
The Sy Syms Foundation: Partnering with organizations and people working for a better and more just future since 1985.
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