Being a CEO is a big job, and nine-year-old Shreen is wondering how to become one! On today’s episode, Bridget and Ryan learn about the different paths people take to be the boss and what it really means to lead a company. (Hint: its not just about meetings and fancy suits). And, guess what? Even CEOs have a boss sometimes, too!
After you listen to the episode, here are some questions and conversation starters you can use with your kid listener to see how much they’ve learned:
What does CEO stand for and what do they do?
Can you name a famous CEO?
True or False: Does a CEO have a boss? (And…who are they?)
What do you think about the amount of money that CEOs get paid? How much do you think they should make?
*Bonus* Not-So-Random Question: If you could be paid in something other than money, what would it be?
For listeners who want to learn more about CEOs, check out these resources!
To learn more about leadership qualities, check out this guide from the Boys & Girls Clubs of America on raising a leader.
Want to learn more about the relationship between workers and bosses? Listen to this Million Bazillion episode on labor unions.
For kids who want to start their own business, we’ve got another Million Bazillion episode all about how to do that.
If you’re looking to expand your knowledge about all things money, business and the economy, sign up for the Million Bazillion Academy.
Thanks for listening to this episode! If you and your kid listener has five minutes, let us know if your kid has ever started a business, and how it went. Send us your story using this online form.
Who’s the Boss?
Cold Open:
(SFX SHOW STARTS, THEME MUSIC PLAYS)
RYAN: Bridget! Hurry up with the popcorn, it’s starting! You’re gonna miss it!
BRIDGET: I’m here, I’m here!
TV ROGAN JOY: (FROM THE TV) And that’s why you’ll never be fit to lead my company! You’re not a serious person.
TV RONNY: But daaaad.
BRIDGET: Wait, what is this show again?
RYAN: Bridget, it’s just one of the best shows of all time! Ascension! Rogan Joy is the CEO of a huge corporation, Joy Co, and every week he decides which one of his three terrible kids will take over for him when he retires!
BRIDGET: That sounds kind of repetitive.
RYAN: Oh, it is! But it’s so fun to watch the kids take turns becoming CEO because each one is worse at it than the last.
TV RONNY: In my first act as CEO, we're going to have an ice cream party every Friday!
TV CROWD: Yay!
TV RONNY: But to save on costs, the ice cream will be fat free, sugar free, and soybean flavored.
TV CROWD: Awwww
BRIDGET: I don’t know much about how CEO’s get picked, but there’s gotta be a better way.
RYAN: Shhhh! Ronny’s brother, Kevin, is going to try to do a hostile takeover by getting the board to do a vote of no confidence!
BRIDGET: What does that even mean?
RYAN: I don’t know, but it’s SO dramatic!
TV RONNY: Daaaaaad, tell Kevin that I’M the CEO!
BRIDGET: Oh brother!
RYAN: I know right?
– MILLION BAZILLION THEME MUSIC –
RYAN: Welcome to Million Bazillion, I’m Ryan.
BRIDGET: And I’m Bridget, and we help dollars make more sense! Ryan, I really can’t watch any more of this show, these people are the worst and I’m not sure if it's meant to be funny or sad. Let’s take a break and answer a listener's question.
RYAN: Fiiiiine, I’ll pause it. But you’re really missing out, Bridget. You should really watch to season 4, that’s when it really gets going.
BRIDGET: Respectful pass. Come on, let’s get to that question:
Shreen: “Hi Bridget and Ryan,
BRIDGET/RYAN: HI SHREEN!
Shreen: I’m a fan of your show, but I have a question. How do you become a CEO? From Shreen. Thank you!
BRIDGET: What a coincidence! Ryan, as an Ascension superfan, you must know all about this.
RYAN: Hmm, well it’s been three seasons of Ascension and they haven’t named a new CEO yet so couldn’t tell ya how you become one but what I do know is that CEO stands for Chief Executive Officer. That's basically the person in charge of a company. They decide on the big goals the company has for the future, they set the vision- assuming they have any vision- and sometimes their name is as famous as the name of the company itself, just because they lead it.
BRIDGET: I always hear people talking about how much CEOs get paid, do they get paid well?
RYAN: Yeah, a little TOO well paid if you ask me. Like, enough that other employees and people in general resent it. The highest paid CEOs can make hundreds of millions of dollars a year.
BRIDGET: WHOA that’s a lot of money for … “Setting the vision?” Sounds like a pretty sweet deal.
RYAN: Yeah, and you don’t have to have to have any special qualifications or degrees, like doctors or lawyers do. You just kind of get picked for the job. And based on Ascension, all you have to do is be related to the current CEO of a company!
BRIDGET: Ryan why didn’t you tell me any of this before! We’ve been toiling away making pennies in the podcast mines, but we could have just been overpaid CEOs! Do you have any family members whose companies we could take over?
RYAN: Actually, my uncle Bob started his own shoe company, Perez’ Funky Fresh Feetwear … and I think he’s getting to retirement age! I bet if we play our cards right, we could take over for him and be on CEO easy street in no time! Let me just give him a call!
(SFX PHONE RINGING)
RYAN: Uncle Bob?
UNCLE BOB: Well, if it isn’t little Ryan! I haven’t heard from you in so long! The last time I saw you, you were only yay high!
RYAN: This is a phone call so I can’t see how high you’re gesturing.
UNCLE BOB: It’s low. But I’m sure you’ve grown quite a bit since then. How’s it going you old so and so?
RYAN: Well, actually, I was thinking that I would love to get into the family shoe making business. What would you say if me and my podcast co-host-
BRIDGET: Hi.
RYAN: -came by the factory so I could learn the ropes- or laces, as it were-and maybe someday, take over for you?
UNCLE BOB: Well, well, well. Finally! Showing a little initiative! I knew Aunt Joanne was wrong about you! You will amount to something!
RYAN: Wait, what?
UNCLE BOB: Oh nothing. Well, it just so happens that I was planning on retiring by the end of this episode, I mean, quarter. I would love to leave the business in family hands, but only if you’re the right person for the job. You’ll have to prove that you’re the best candidate!
RYAN: Oh, I’ve seen every episode of Ascension, including the behind-the-scenes extras that autoplay after every show, immediately killing the dramatic impact of the ending. I know everything about how to be a CEO.
BRIDGET: (SHOUTING) Hey, I could also be a great candidate for CEO!
UNCLE BOB: Sure, Gidget!
BRIDGET: Uh, it’s Bridget.
UNCLE BOB: Why don’t you two come down to the factory and we can talk about the future of the company.
(SFX CLICK)
BRIDGET: Oh boy I can’t believe it’s this easy to become a CEO! What do you think I should wear? Should I go black turtleneck and jeans a la Steve Jobs? Or maybe a power suit?
RYAN: I’m gonna do the early Zuckerberg hoodie approach. I love the idea of being a powerful man dressed like a little boy! Ok why don’t we go get changed and meet over at the factory… right after this quick break.
–ARK–
KIMBERLY: And now … it’s time for Asking Random Kids Not-So-Random Questions … Today’s question is: If you could be paid for your work with something other than money, what would it be?
I would get paid in food and water because that's something people really need to survive.
I would like to be paid in flowers
Gold bars.
Video games, because they're fun.
I would like to be paid with new books because I really like reading and it's really fun.
Well, personally I think I'd want to get paid in yachts 'cause that'd be awesome.
KIMBERLY: That was …
Alder in Oregon
Ella in Kentucky
Ada in Georgia
Joshua in California
Lillian in Helsinki
Kai in Florida
This has been Asking Random Kids Not-So-Random Questions.
Part 1:
BRIDGET: And we’re back. Today we’re tackling Shreen’s question “How do you become a CEO?” and coincidentally, Ryan has an uncle that’s retiring and looking to appoint a new CEO to his company by the end of this episode! Uh, I mean, quarter. So now we’re headed to the shoe factory. I’m wearing my best black turtleneck to try to impress Uncle Bob and convince him that I am the ideal choice for the job.
RYAN: Well! As an Ascension superfan I can tell you, redheads in turtlenecks never end up with the big job.
BRIDGET: We’ll see about that.
(SFX DOORS OPEN. UNCLE BOB STRIDES IN AND HUGS RYAN, PATTING HIS BACK)
UNCLE BOB: Ryan my boy! Look at you! Wearing a hoodie? Well, that's a choice. (turning to Bridget) And this must be your co-host, Bridget! Wow, look at that turtleneck! I’m impressed!
Bridget: Yes! (SHAKING HIS HAND) Great to meet you Bob, excited to learn more about your company.
UNCLE BOB: Well, let's get started!
(SFX DOORS OPEN)
UNCLE BOB: Ah and I’d like you to meet April. She’s my executive assistant. April knows all the ins and out’s around here, so if you have any questions, she’s the person to ask.
April: Nice to meet you! Uh, Mr. Perez, you’re late for the budget meeting.
UNCLE BOB: Oh darn. Well, I can give you the quick tour on my way. Let's go out on the factory floor.
(SFX DOORS OPEN, MACHINES WHIR, THEY WALK)
UNCLE BOB: Now this is where the shoes get made. We’ve got over 200 employees who work on the factory floor, working the machines, packing the boxes, and making sure our product is of the very best quality!
WORKER 1: Good morning Mr. Perez!
UNCLE BOB: Good morning, Clara! Hope your son got over that cold!
WORKER 1: He did!
WORKER 2: Howdy Mr. Perez.
UNCLE BOB: Good morning, Joe! I’ll see you at company karaoke night Friday!
WORKER 2: I call dibs on Achy Breaky Heart!
RYAN: Wow, everyone here is so friendly!
UNCLE BOB: Well of course! Creating the company culture is a part of a CEO’s job. Good vibes start from the top down. I want to make sure my employees are happy at their jobs, because that makes them more productive, and makes the company work better. Now follow me to the executive offices, I've got to get to that budget meeting!
(SFX DOOR SWING OVER, PHONES RING, KEYBOARDS CLACK)
UNCLE BOB: Why don’t you two come so you can give me your two cents on the forecast.
RYAN: Oh, there’s no rain expected until Sunday!
UNCLE BOB: I meant the financial forecast.
RYAN: Haha, of course I know that. Just a little CEO humor for you there.
(SFX APRIL RUNNING UP)
APRIL: Mr. Perez! Here’s the P&L statement you asked for.
UNCLE BOB: Perfect timing. Here, Ryan, take a look at this.
RYAN: Uhhh….
(SFX DOORS OPEN TO MEETING ROOM, MURMURING)
UNCLE BOB: Alright everyone, settle down. Let’s get this budget meeting started. My nephew Ryan here has looked over the P&L and is going to share his thoughts. Ryan?
(SFX PAGE ON A CLIPBOARD FLIPS)
RYAN: Uhhh, sure. Yes, this is a spreadsheet. And it’s got lots of numbers on it…and looking over these numbers…well, of course I know what they mean but…Bridget! Why don’t you explain to our listeners what a P&L is, just in case, you know, they don't know. Even though I definitely know.
BRIDGET: Well, I just so happen to have learned this from my last accounting-themed-rom-com-beach-read, a P&L is a profit and loss statement. It shows how much money a company is making compared to how much it’s spending. It’s one way to understand a company's financial health.
UNCLE BOB: That’s right Bridget, nice work!
RYAN: Wait, I thought you didn’t have to go to a special school to be a CEO. How are you supposed to know that if you don’t read accounting novels?
UNCLE BOB: You don’t have to go to a special school! But you DO have to know a lot about finances. You could go to business school to learn it, or you could learn it on the job like I did. But either way, it’s crucial a CEO understands a company's finances so you know where you’re spending too much, or not enough, and what products are doing the best.
RYAN: (whispering) Pssst April. A little help here? I gotta make a good impression or Bridget will get the job!
APRIL (whispering): Well... it looks like revenue is up in loafers, but margins are still too slim. We should cut costs in production.
UNCLE BOB: So, Ryan? What’s the verdict?
RYAN: Um… Looks like … revenue is up in loafers, but the margins are still too thin?
(SFX MURMURING)
UNCLE BOB: Ryan! That…is…BRILLIANT! That’s exactly what I was thinking! What do you think we should do about it?
RYAN: Cut costs in production!
(SFX APPLAUSE)
UNCLE BOB: Visionary! That’s the exact kind of leadership I’m looking for out of a successor. You’ve surprised me!
BRIDGET: Yeah, me too. Ryan, how did you think of that?
APRIL: Well, actually…
RYAN: Uhhh…CEO’s intuition!
UNCLE BOB: Going with your gut, I love it. I think you’re ready to meet with the board!
RYAN: That’s right, I’m the real deal. Not just some nepo baby!
APRIL: Shall I call a meeting sir?
UNCLE BOB: Post haste, April!
BRIDGET: Wait, the board? What's that?
UNCLE BOB: Well, that’s my boss.
BRIDGET: But…you’re the CEO. I thought you were the big boss.
UNCLE BOB: Everyone has a boss Bridget, including CEO’s. I’m the person who makes a lot of day-to-day decisions for the company, but I have to make sure that the company's board of directors thinks I’m doing a good job. The board tries to make sure the company is making as much money as it can for anyone who might own stock in the company, the shareholders. And it’s the board who will ultimately vote on who replaces me.
BRIDGET: Uhhh this whole being a CEO business is a little more complicated than what I had originally thought. Maybe we’re not the best people for the job…
UNCLE BOB: Nonsense! I’m sure the board will be just as impressed with you two as I am. Come on, let's head over to the boardroom.
(SFX WALKING TO THE BOARDROOM)
RYAN: Wait, you mean the boardroom is a room where you meet with the board?! I always thought it was just a room for the gathering of boards, like, you know, dart boards, white boards, charcuterie and such…
BRIDGET: (snorts laughing) Oh, this CEO job is totally mine.
APRIL: Sir, the board is ready for you.
(SFX BOARDROOM DOORS SWING OPEN, CLASSICAL MUSIC)
RYAN: Whoa, sweet digs! This room has a top-floor view, and a chandelier, and ooo! Bagels and lox!
(SFX RYAN RUNS OVER, MUNCHES ON A BAGEL)
RYAN: Now this is more CEO like!
APRIL: I now convene this meeting of the Board of Perez Funky Fresh Feetwear. I turn things over to our CEO, Uncle Bob.
UNCLE BOB: Yes, thank you April. And thank you esteemed members of the board for convening on such short notice.
BOARD MEMBER 1: You only gave us like 10 minutes!
UNCLE BOB: And I appreciate your speedy response! Now, as you know, I have been planning on stepping down at the end of this episode.
BOARD MEMBER 1: You mean this quarter.
UNCLE BOB: Yes, yes, Potato, Potato. Well, I know it’s a bit unorthodox, but I believe I have found the perfect candidate to take over for me. This person has really impressed me with their financial acumen and professionalism.
BRIDGET: Oh boy! Looking good for me!
UNCLE BOB: I would like to propose the next CEO of this company should be....
BRIDGET: (UNDER HER BREATH) Say Bridget, say Bridget, say Bridget!
UNCLE BOB: MY nephew Ryan.
(SFX: GASP)
RYAN: Really? I mean, of course.
BRIDGET: GASP
BRIDGET: What?! But he’s wearing a hoodie!
UNCLE BOB: Sorry Bridget. He’s family! Plus, that was some sharp analysis on the P&L.
BOARD MEMBER 1: But Bob! We’ve been interviewing candidates for weeks, people with years of experience and proven track records as CEOs of other big companies, none of them in hoodies.
UNCLE BOB: Well Ryan, I've done my part. Now’s your chance. Make a case for yourself.
(MUSIC: INSPIRATIONAL)
RYAN: Umm well…I don’t know what to say really. It um…it all comes down to today. Either we heal as a team, or we're gonna crumble. Inch by inch, play by play, till we're finished. We're in a hole right now gentlemen, believe me. And we can give up, or we can fight our way back into the light. We can climb out of this hole. One inch at a time. You know, life’s really a game of inches. The margin for error is so small. But the inches we need are everywhere around us. And on this team, we fight for that inch. Because we know when we add up all those inches, that makes the difference between winning and losing! Now…what are you gonna do?
(SFX SILENCE, THEN A SLOW CLAP BUILDS)
UNCLE BOB: Ryan, what an emotional and inspiring speech! I’m not sure what it meant, but it certainly moved me! I think the only thing left for us to do now is to vote.
BOARD MEMBER 1: Yes, I agree! Members of the board, do you vote to appoint Ryan as the new CEO of the company? Yay or Nay?
ALL: YAY!
APRIL: The motion passes.
(SFX CHEERS)
BRIDGET: Um…Ryan? Wasn’t that the speech Al Pacino gives in the classic football movie, Any Given Sunday?
RYAN: An abridged version, yeah. I just didn’t know what to say!
UNCLE BOB: Well then, now that that’s done, I’m off to retire at my timeshare in the Caribbean. But I’m sure you can handle operations from here on out. Toodleloo!
BRIDGET: Wait, but he doesn't actually know how to… annnnnd he’s gone. Great, now what?
APRIL: Congrats, Ryan you’re now in charge. I’ve got a stack of paperwork for you to sign.
RYAN: Thanks again for all your help April.
APRIL: Don’t mention it, I'm sure you're totally prepared for this.
(SFX THUNK OF PAPER STACK, BRIDGET STARTS FLIPPING THROUGH)
BRIDGET: Uhhhh, EBITDA? ROI for B2B vs B2G? What does any of this mean?!!
RYAN: Don’t worry, I've got a plan! That I’ll reveal…right after this break
–MIDROLL–
Part 2:
BRIDGET: And we're back. Today we’re answering Shreen’s question, she was wondering how one becomes a CEO. And as it happens, my podcast co-host Ryan was just named CEO of Perez’ Funky Fresh Feetwear despite me wearing a really sharp turtleneck, and honestly, I think he’s in over his head but hey, who asked me right? Anyway, we’re learning on the job and in real time.
APRIL: So, about this paperwork?
BRIDGET: Yeah, this is like, a ton of stuff! When did Uncle Bob find the time to do all of this?!
APRIL: Oh, he worked 7 days a week. In fact, most CEO’s do.
RYAN: Pish posh. How hard could it be? If Ascension taught me anything, it’s all about the flash, the showmanship, the je ne sais quoi.
BRIDGET: Well, if you’re so confident, what’s your brilliant plan?
RYAN: Oh, you’ll see.
(SFX DOOR KNOCKING)
RYAN: April, would you get that?
BRIDGET: Uh, who is that?
(SFX DOORS OPEN, PHOTOGRAPHERS AND JOURNALISTS FLOOD THE ROOM)
RYAN: I took the liberty of calling a press conference. That’s what CEOs DO Bridget. Just look at this clip from Ascension!
(SFX RYAN PULLS OUT PHONE AND PLAYS CLIP)
TV KEVIN JOY: Thank you for coming to my press conference! I just wanted to tell you all that my dad is evil and also, I am a better CEO than him!
BRIDGET: Man, this family has problems.
RYAN: Look, I’m a big time CEO now, Bridget. I’m the face of the company. So, I gotta get this good-looking mug out there.
BRIDGET: But we don’t have a plan for…
[SFX MIC FEEDBACK AS RYAN TAPS MIC)
RYAN: Is this thing on? Oh good. Welcome everyone and thank you for coming. I am so pleased to announce that I have been named CEO of my family’s illustrious company, Perez Funky Fresh Feetwear. We are here to usher this company into a new, brighter future. And there are a lot of changes coming to make that happen. Starting with the name. We will henceforth be known as Ry-Star, Bridge-Co.
BRIDGET: Awww he named it after me?
RYAN: Named after myself, of course, and the incomparable and underrated, Jeff Bridges. AND, We’re not just a footwear company anymore. We’re expanding our horizons into tech! Space travel! Consumables! Even amusement parks! Sky's the limit for the new and improved Ry-Star, Bridge-Co. Actually wait, sky’s not the limit, cause I forgot about the space thing. I’ll now take questions.
(SFX JOURNALISTS CALLING FOR MR. PEREZ AND YELLING, “QUESTION!” CAMERAS FLASH)
REPORTER 1: Mr. Perez! Uncle Bob was famous for taking a low salary, compared to other CEOs in his field. Will you be continuing this policy?
RYAN: Wait, what? (OFF MIC) April, how much money was Uncle Bob making?
APRIL: Well, Uncle Bob was making 200,000 dollars annually.
RYAN: Oh. But that’s a lot of money?
APRIL: Yeah, It’s a lot compared to the average worker, but not that much compared to some other CEOs.
RYAN: Oh, well in that case, 200 K just won’t do. That's just not compensation that befits this office. I should be making, like, 900x what our average worker makes.
APRIL: Ryan, that’s like 30 million a year, that’s way too–
RYAN: (IN MIC) Effective immediately I will be raising the CEO’s salary to 30 million a year.
{SFX CROWD GASPS)
RYAN: Oooo Gasp! Gasp! What are you gasping at?? That’s in line with what a lot of other CEOs make! Just look at Bob Iger at Disney, or Jamie Dimon at JP Morgan Chase! They both make more than that!
BRIDGET: (TAKING THE MIC) Hi Everyone, Bridget here, The REAL Bridge in Ry Star-Bridge Co.
RYAN: (OFF MIC) I don’t know about that.
BRIDGET: While I do find this move egregious, Ryan has a point. The range for CEO pay can go from very high to super insanely high. Now, some of that pay comes in the form of company stock. So then, if a CEO is good at their job, the company does well, the stock price goes up, and the CEO makes a lot of money off that. But CEOs still are generally making more now than they ever have in history.
APRIL: But we're a small company, not a major media corporation or a giant financial institution! We can’t afford that kind of corporate overhead!
RYAN: Then let's put the corporate under-head!
APRIL: You don’t know what that means do you?
RYAN: No. Just let me take a look at that budget. I’m sure we can make some cuts to pay for this…
(SFX PEN STRIKETHROUGH)
RYAN: Let's just cut that line and that ... .and that.
APRIL: RYAN! You can’t slash worker pay! And pensions! And health care! Our employees rely on that to feed their families!
RYAN: You can’t make an omelet without breaking a few workers' benefit shaped eggs, April. Maybe we can replace the workers with an AI bot? Look into it. Now, all this CEOing is making me tired. If there are no more questions, I’ll be in my meditation sauna.
APRIL: We don’t have a meditation sauna!
RYAN: Put that on the to-do list! Alright, Thanks everyone! Write me up nice! Write me up nice!
(SFX JOURNALISTS SHOUT AT RYAN AS HE EXITS THE ROOM)
APRIL: Uhhh, thanks everyone. We will have more information for you…soon.
(SFX JOURNALISTS GRUMBLE AS THEY LEAVE THE ROOM)
APRIL: Bridget, you have to talk some sense into Ryan. These moves are really bad for the company. The workers are going to be VERY unhappy. They might even go on strike! Plus, the board is going to have a fit!
BRIDGET: While it is amusing for me to watch him fail at a job I wanted, I am inclined to agree with you. We need to stop this before it gets out of hand.
(SFX NEWS ALERT ON PHONE DINGS)
BRIDGET: Uh-oh. Breaking news: New Perez Fancy Feetwear CEO slashes worker pays, changes company name to baffling and nonsensical Ry-Star, Bridge-co. Uh oh.
(SFX APRIL’S PHONE STARTS BUZZING)
APRIL: Great, the news is out.
(SFX DISTANT CHANTING COMES CLOSER)
WORKERS CHANT: Hey hey! Ho Ho! Corporate Greed has got to go! Hey hey! Ho Ho! Corporate Greed has got to go!
BRIDGET: Hey look out the window! What is that?
APRIL: Looks like the workers heard the news too. And now, they are going on strike to protest.
BRIDGET: That seems bad…
(SFX NEWS ALERT ON PHONE DINGS)
APRIL: “Breaking News: Ry-Star, Bridge Co stock plummets as new CEO uses company funds to build Cat themed amusement park, Skimbleshanks World?!” Oh, and another one “Consumers refuse to buy Perez shoes, citing poor working conditions and obnoxious CEO”
BRIDGET: Whoa, our stock graph looks like a straight line down! In just a week, this has gotten way out of hand!
APRIL: I’m gonna go talk to the workers union and try to put out this fire.
(SFX APRIL WALKS OFF, BRIDGET KNOCKS ON OFFICE DOOR)
BRIDGET: Ryan? Open the door, we need to talk! Ryan?
(SFX BRIDGET OPENS THE DOOR)
RYAN: Yes, the bathrooms should be litterboxes… yes, the human bathroom, did you even look at my napkin drawing?uh I gotta go I’ll call you back. Bridget! Sorry, I’ve been swamped. Word to the wise, never design your own amusement park. What can I do for you?
BRIDGET: Oh, cut it out. You know you’re in way over your head.
RYAN: What do you mean? I’m a visionary! I’m doing a great job! I’m the eldest nephew!
BRIDGET: Ryan, the stock price is in the toilet, the public now hates you and the workers are on strike!
RYAN: They all hate me? But I’ve been so lovable.
BRIDGET: Yeah buddy. But also, even though this really is entirely your fault, maybe it’s just not a great time to be a CEO. Public attitudes toward CEOs are kind of negative right now.
RYAN: So, you’re saying it’s not ENTIRELY my fault…
BRIDGET: No, no. This was definitely entirely your fault. Look, CEO is a tough job, and honestly, most people aren’t very good at it. In fact, most CEO’s last less than 7 years on the job.
RYAN: 7 years! Well, that should be plenty of time for me to fix some of this…
BRIDGET: Oh, to be clear, I don’t think you should stay in charge for another 7 minutes.
(SFX DOOR KNOCK, APRIL ENTERS)
APRIL: HI! So, I managed to negotiate with the workers union pending some major reforms to your…new vision. And also, Ryan, the board has called for an emergency conference call.
RYAN: (Rodney Dangerfield impression) Geez, I just can’t catch a break! Speaking of breaks, let's take a quick one while I get ready to talk to the board. Did you get who I was doing? Rodney Dangerfield.
Part 3:
RYAN: Ok, as if my workers and customers weren’t already mad enough, now it’s time to reckon with the board of Perez Funky Fresh Feetwear. (SIGHS) Put ‘em on speakerphone.
(SFX SPEAKERPHONE CLICK)
BOARD MEMBER 1: Ryan! What in the Henry Ford is going on?! Do you know what I’m going to say?
RYAN: That my unorthodox leadership is actually good?
BOARD MEMBER 1: No. We took a vote, and you’re fired.
RYAN: Yeah, I could see that coming. Well, it’s been an honor to serve at the pleasure of the board.
BOARD MEMBER 1: (Sighs) Alright folks, it’s back to square one. Time to start the search over again for a new CEO.
RYAN: Ahem, if I may? I know I’m not really in a position to be giving advice, but I have a small suggestion.
BOARD MEMBER 1: What now? You want to make breakroom wrestlemania themed?
RYAN: I mean that sounds awesome but, no. Actually, I think you’ve already got the perfect CEO candidate right here.
BRIDGET: Aww Ryan! You DO think I’m CEO material!
RYAN: WHAT? No, I meant April.
BOARD MEMBER 1: Who?
APRIL: Uh, that’s me. The person whose phone you called??
RYAN: April started in this company on the factory floor and worked her way all the way up to the executive level. She got drive, ambition, and compassion. She knows the company’s finances, but more importantly, she cares about the company's workers. Plus, she was the one who gave me all the ideas you liked.
BOARD MEMBER 1: Hmmm. A Woman CEO. Well, it has been done before…rarely. But it has happened…April, what do you have to say for yourself?
APRIL: Well…I won’t pretend I know it all. I don’t. But I think that’s what would make me a great CEO. I want to keep learning, and help grow not just the company, but its people. I would like to start a mentorship program, so more workers in the factory have the chance to learn new skills. And I would focus on our core product, our footwear, and make sure they are of the highest quality, so customers keep coming back. AND I do think we should expand. But not into space travel. Into socks. We’ve got the industry contacts to start right away, and it goes hand in hand with our core business.
BOARD MEMBER 1: Socks…how did we never think of that! Now THAT is some forward thinking. And what about the matter of the CEO’s salary?
APRIL: Oh, I wouldn't want to be making so much more than what our average worker makes. I would re-implement Uncle Bob’s previous policy, and take a pay cut in solidarity with our staff, at least until we get things back on track.
BOARD MEMBER 1: Well! Now that’s a leader! Members of the board - who votes to make April the new CEO? Yay or nay?
ALL BOARD: YAY!
BOARD MEMBER 1: That settles it. Now, April, don’t let us down.
APRIL: I’ll do my best!
(SFX PHONE CLICKS)
APRIL: I can’t believe it!
BRIDGET: Congrats April. You’re gonna be a great CEO. I also would’ve been great CEO. And a very well-dressed one in my black turtleneck, just like Elizabeth Holmes— OHHH, maybe that’s why I didn’t get it.
APRIL: Thank you! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have quite the mess to clean up.
(SFX APRIL LEAVES, DOOR CLOSES)
RYAN: Alas, some dreams are not meant to be.
(SFX PHONE NOTIFICATION)
RYAN: Oooh, an email from the board. I wonder what it is…GOOD GRAVY! They gave me a VERY LARGE severance package. Severance, for all you non-Ascension-fans, is when a company pays you after firing you, or laying you off. It's kind of like a goodbye gift. Man, even when a CEO fails, they still end up making a ton of money.
BRIDGET: Money which you will be donating to a good cause because you clearly don’t deserve it, right???
RYAN: Of course, THAT'S what failed CEOs do with their money. While I figure out where to donate this cash, Bridget, why don’t you sum up what we learned today?
BRIDGET: Well, to answer today's question, there's no one path to becoming a CEO. Sometimes, they are a company’s original founder, or they’re just someone who failed at being a successful CEO or executive at a different place. Most commonly, they are someone who worked their way up, like April. But any which way, it’s a huge job with lots of responsibilities, and it can very easily go VERY badly. CEOs are leaders, responsible for a company’s image and success, but also, for the happiness of their workers. And generally, they are paid a lot compared to how much the workers at their companies make. If a CEO doesn’t do a good job at leading their company, chances are, both it and the workers will end up worse off. But a good CEO can turn around a company in trouble. Did I miss anything?
RYAN: Huh? Oh, sorry I wasn’t paying attention. I’m watching the next episode of Ascension!
(SFX: SHOW PLAYS ON RYAN’S PHONE)
TV ROGAN JOY: (FROM THE PHONE) And that’s why you’ll never be fit to lead my company!
TV KEVIN: But daaaad.
BRIDGET: Didn’t we already watch this one?
RYAN: No, no, this one is different! Man, this is riveting stuff.
TV KEVIN: Daaaaaad, I wrote you a rap. Afterwards will you please say you love me?
ROGAN JOY: No.
TV KEVIN: Okay, here it is anyway. (rap beat starts, similar to L-to the OG) D to the A.D., You’re gonna love me. Eventua-LY. When I’m CEO. D to the A.D., Please say you love me. Eventua-LY. Or at least before you go…
When I run the Biz-Ness. Then I will Im-press. And have the suc-cess. That gets your kind-ness. Grew up with the name Joy, turned into a man-boy, self-esteem you destroy-ed, children in your employ, D to the AD….
–MILLION BAZILLION THEME MUSIC–
RYAN: Okay, that’s it for our show today. If you want to keep learning about CEOs, check out the tipsheet for this episode at our website, Marketplace dot org slash million.
BRIDGET: And while you’re at our website, consider sending us your ideas for an episode! What money questions do you have? We want to know!
RYAN: Million Bazillion is brought to you by Marketplace, from American Public Media. This episode was written by Jasmine Romero and hosted by me, Ryan Perez, and Bridget Bodnar.
BRIDGET: We had some extra help voicing this episode from David Brancacio, Henry Epp, Jamilla Huxtablel, Drew Jostad, Matt Levin, Dylan Miettenein, Jasmine Romero, Daniel Shin, and Elizabeth Trovall.
And special thanks to Carolyn Dewar, senior partner at McKinsey & Company for sharing her expertise and insights with us. And Marketplace’s Jennifer Pak for some excellent shoe factory sound, it really made Perez Family Feetware come alive!
Jasmine Romero is our editor.
Courtney Bergsieker is our producer.
We had extra production help from Minju Park and Zoha Malik.
Marissa Cabrera is our senior producer.
RYAN: This episode was sound designed and mixed by Bekah Wineman.
Our theme music was created by Wonderly.
Bridget Bodnar is the Director of Podcasts at Marketplace.
Francesca Levy is the Executive Director of Digital
Neal Scarbrough is the VP and General Manager.
BRIDGET: Million Bazillion is funded in part by the Sy Syms Foundation, partnering with organizations and people working for a better and more just future since 1985. And special thanks to The Ranzetta Family Charitable Fund and Next Gen Personal Finance for providing the start-up funding for this podcast and continuing to support Marketplace in our work to make younger audiences smarter about the economy.
RYAN: If Million Bazillion is helping your family have important conversations about money, consider making a one-time donation today at marketplace-dot-org-slash-givemillion, and thanks for your support.
The Ranzetta Family Charitable Fund and Next Gen Personal Finance, supports Marketplace’s work to make younger audiences smarter about the economy. Next Gen Personal Finance is a non-profit that believes all students benefit from having a financial education before they cross the stage at high school graduation.
The Sy Syms Foundation: Partnering with organizations and people working for a better and more just future since 1985.
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