Who’s paying for this?

Financially Inclined March 7, 2025 Transcript
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Yanely Espinal: What’s up, everybody? I’m Yanely Espinal, and this is Financially Inclined from Marketplace. We’re sharing money lessons for living life your own way.

For the first episode of our new season, we’re tackling uncomfortable money conversations. Whether you’re talking about money with your best friend, your mom, or your crush, things can feel a little bit weird. But some practice and preparation can go a long way. Today, I’m talking with author and personal financial expert, Erin Lowry. Her blog is called Broke Millennial, and she’s the author of three books. The latest is Broke Millennial Talks Money: Scripts, Stories, and Advice to Navigate Awkward Financial Conversations. Who better to help us tackle this tricky topic? Erin is going to walk us through how she makes these money conversations as painless as possible. So let’s get into it.

Espinal: Okay Erin. So like we know that growing up we all had different experiences around money and that usually leads to our own opinions and values. So you know if you have a friend and you’re trying to talk to them about what you can and can’t afford, but you see money really differently, like how would you say, especially for younger generations to approach something like that? 

Erin Lowry: We all have foundational blueprints really about how we interact and deal with money. It’s really important to have a conversation about what you value. Now, what’s really critical here is to make sure that what you are expressing as a value isn’t being rude about what someone else may value. So for example, if your friend really wants to go to this expensive new restaurant as a birthday dinner, you don’t want to put your feelings about a particular value on them, but you can say, “I love you. I want to celebrate your birthday with you, but I don’t know that I have the ability to spend $100 on this meal out. Instead, let’s…,” and then provide an alternative.

Espinal: I feel like sometimes it’s hard if a friend straight up says, “Hey, can you lend me some money?” How do you suggest handling that?

Lowry: Well, first, whether it’s friends, family member, boyfriend, girlfriend, you need to only loan money that you are prepared to never get back. So whether that’s a couple bucks for a slice of pizza or $500 to help somebody with rent, either sum of money you have to be financially able to and mentally comfortable with never seeing again. Otherwise, so much resentment can start to build up. So it’s not just about the amount of money, it’s also about the action. So at some point you have to be able to communicate and set a boundary and it can be uncomfortable. 

Espinal: Yeah.

Lowry: And that’s okay. I mean, part of all of these conversations is a willingness to be vulnerable with people that you care about and people that you love. If you didn’t want to work on the relationship, then maybe it’s not somebody that’s that important to you. 

Espinal: True, you might have to reevaluate the relationship. But if it is somebody, like, if it is a friend that you really do care about and you, or a crush that you wanna impress or something like that, and they ask you for money, you lent it to them already. And it’s been a while and they haven’t paid you back. Now, what is that conversation gonna look like? 

Lowry: Bring it up. And it could be related to something that you wannna buy or something that you want to save up for if you’re trying to couch it with something or you could just be direct and say, “Hey, remember when I loaned you $15 the other week for [insert item here]? Could I get that back soon?” You don’t need to give a reason. It was your money and you loaned it to them. 

Espinal: Right!

Lowry: But if you want to give a reason, it could also be, “Hey, remember when I loaned you $15? Could I get that back? I’m trying to save up for [insert item here].” 

Espinal: Yeah, I think that’s a good point because then it shows them that, you know, it’s interrupting your ability to reach your own savings goals or your own financial goals, and then that becomes unfair to you.

Lowry: Yeah. 

Espinal: When you’re requesting or lending money, back in the day, you used to be like, “Oh, can I get some money,” and I sometimes could just say like, “Oh, I don’t have money on me, I don’t have cash on me.” Like, but now it’s Venmo, Cash App, Zelle, this and that app. What would you say around like etiquette for using these payment apps, especially if you like, you know, want somebody to pay you back what they owe you, like, is it okay to just like send them a request? Like, what do you, do you feel like the etiquette looks like around digital payment apps these days? 

Lowry: Be clear, upfront, immediately. If you’re inviting somebody to do something and your expectation is that they are going to pay for some, half, whatever amount, tell them that early, be sure to communicate that. It is really tacky to after the fact without communicating that, send a Venmo request for a sum of money. 

Espinal: Yeah. 

Lowry: So be sure that you are upfront and open and have that dialogue with somebody. 

Espinal: When it comes to family we do make some assumptions and it’s not always something that’s comfortable to talk about money, so what if, you know, your maybe high school graduation might be coming up pretty soon or like in a few years and you’re kind of thinking okay, beyond my high school life, what is it going to look like? Is my family going to help me get an apartment? Are they going to help me get a car? Are they going to pay for college if I decide to go to college? Like, how do you bring that up with family when so much of this is unspoken and there’s a lot of assumptions probably being made? 

Lowry: You have to have the uncomfortable conversation. And a big part of that is have it as early as you can. So you mentioned paying for college. That is a really good example where if you’re not totally sure whether or not your parents can pay for some or all of your college education, it’s important to ask as early as you can. Now, for instance, if you’re a sophomore or a junior, honestly, great time to bring it up because it gives you a lot of room to look for scholarships, look at alternatives, whether that’s trade or vocational school, whether that’s going community college and then four year. Anything you can do to minimize student loan debt is essential. So that’s one of the big things to consider. But the other is just as early as you can, do not wait until that diploma is in your hand or until you’re having to be, you know, until you have to decide where you’re going. Months ahead, “Hey Mom, hey Dad. I do plan on going to college. It’s important to me.” Maybe it’s important to them and you know that. You can have that conversation. “And it’s making me wonder, do you plan to provide any level of financial support for me to go to college?” And if they’re like, “Yeah, of course we are.” Great, that’s first piece of news. But then, “Okay, could you give me a sense of how much? Because I need to know how much to budget for when I’m figuring out where to go to college, or how much I need to try to get in scholarships or grants or student loans, because I’m really trying to make sure that I make the right moves here, and that I minimize my student loan debt.”

Espinal: Yeah, I like that. I like the, “because blank,” like you said before with the friends is like, “Hey, because I need it for this.” “Hey, mom, dad, I need it because I’m about to make this decision and I need the information.” It’s just really giving them the reason helps them understand that you’re not just coming at them, like attacking them and like demanding this. It’s that you’re trying to plan and you’re trying to, you know, do your own thing and you need that. 

Lowry: Yeah.

Espinal: What would you say to somebody who might be dealing with this, where their family is actually asking them to help with money rather than vice versa. 

Lowry: There are so many ways that this becomes complicated. The one thing is just trying to have the communication upfront. The other part, though, is trying to be open and honest about where you can and can’t help and setting boundaries where you can. So, “I would love to help. This is the reality of how much I’m making. This is the reality of my debt situation.” Be honest, share your numbers with them if you’re comfortable with that. That’s going to give them context. So hey, it might look like, maybe you’re making $5,000 a month and they know that and they’re like, that’s so much money, but they don’t realize that you’re also paying $1,200 a month in student loans. You’re trying to save up to get your own place. There’s all these other financial goals that you have. Part of the reason you’re living at home is to save money. You need to communicate all of that to them. I think it’s always helpful, this sounds very technical. Kind of having a business plan, going into these conversations, writing stuff down, showing people the examples, showing people what your cash flow is, how much is coming in, how much is going out, and what your goals are. 

Espinal: Yeah, that’s so funny, I’ve seen some TikToks where they kind of make it seem like a joke a little bit. Like, I did a PowerPoint presentation to show my family why I couldn’t pay everything. And it’s like, well, let’s not take that as a joke. Like maybe do that seriously. Maybe like actually put together some, you know, like a spreadsheet or a slide to show them because I do think sometimes they just don’t get it. Like you said, my family thought I was rich because I was one of the first people in my family to be making a lot of money right out of college. So they don’t understand why you can’t help. And until you really illustrate exactly where the money’s going, hey, these are my student loans. Hey, these are my credit card bills. Hey, this is everything I owe, my cell phone, this is my transportation. By the time I’m left with just this much, if I keep giving it to you, I have nothing left, then it helps them understand, ’cause they see the picture clearly rather than assuming you have all this money and you’re not helping because you’re not, because you don’t love them or you don’t care or you’re ungrateful. 

Lowry: Right, and the other part too is think about what you can offer. So if it’s not finances, what is it that you can do around the house to alleviate some other version of stress? Is it cooking meals? Is it helping pick a sibling up from school? Is it providing childcare certain days of the week? So other things that you can do to still be an active participant in the household, particularly if you’re living with your family, that’s not necessarily financial. 

Espinal: So what are the top steps or key things to keep in mind when you’re trying to plan to have one of these uncomfortable money conversations? 

Lowry: The first thing, do it as early as you possibly can, because you want to be able to prepare, especially if somebody is going to tell you, “Oh no, we can’t financially help you.” Another thing that you want to do is, as often as you can, come from a place of love or compassion or understanding. And maybe if it’s something that you don’t value but your friend does, make sure you’re not being mean about the fact that they have a different value set than you do around money. And another thing, practice. I know it sounds kind of funny, but if you’re going to make a big ask, or you’re going to set a boundary, or you’re going to share something that feels vulnerable, look in the mirror, say it a few times. Go up to a trusted friend, or a sibling, or a parent, and kind of role play this situation a time or two. It’s going to make you feel much more comfortable when you ultimately have to have the conversation.

Espinal: For today’s Learn More segment, I asked Erin to stick around and do some role-playing with me so that way we could model for you what some of these conversations might look like or sound like in real life. Okay, in this first scenario, we’re gonna talk about prom expenses. I’m playing Erin’s mom and she plays my daughter. 

Lowry: Hi Mom, so I just wanted to talk to you quickly about prom. Do you have a minute?

Espinal: Sure sweetie, what’s up? 

Lowry: Okay, so my friends have been talking about, you know, all the things we want to do for prom and I’m realizing that it’s pretty expensive, so there’s like the dress and the corsage or the boutonniere, and they’re talking about maybe wanting to run a limo, and I think we might want to go out to dinner beforehand. And I know it’s going to be pretty expensive and we have a few months, so do you think that you can help pay for prom? Is that something that we have a budget for? 

Espinal: Ooh, I mean, I can help you pay for it, but you know do you have an exact amount? I mean, you said a lot of things and it sounds like you wanna add extra stuff and that’s maybe a lot. Like how much exactly are we talking, do you know?

Lowry: I think if I got $500, I could do most of what I wanted to do. 

Espinal: Okay, well, I like that you know exactly how much it’s gonna be. I feel like we can swing $500. Do you have a plan for how you’re gonna come up with the rest, sweetie? Because that’s a lot of money. 

Lowry: Oh, so if it’s more than $500, I have to pay for it? 

Espinal: Yeah, I mean, I can, we can do $500, but if it’s going to be more than that, if you’re going to do an extra dinner, and you’re going to extend hours with the limo, like those are some extra things that you know, Dad and I just can’t come up with all of that so quickly. It’s coming up in a couple months, so $500 is probably the most we can do. 

Lowry: Okay, well, I’ll work on saving some of the money from my job, and I’ll make sure that I have some extra. And I’ll start looking for a dress now so that I have a good sense of how much that’s going to cost. 

Espinal: That sounds good. Sounds like a good plan.

Espinal: In this next scenario, Erin and I are going to play best friends, but we have different priorities when it comes to money.

Espinal: All right, Erin, I’m so hyped! We get to see Billie Eilish in person! I’m so excited. I’m so tired of seeing snaps and TikToks of her. Like I want to see her in person! Okay, so I looked on the site, I checked Ticketmaster and there’s definitely a bunch of seats still available in like the first three rows. And you know we got to be up close, so I’m trying to get the ones that are like either second or third row and I know it’s going to be a lot of money but I have saved up so I will get both of our tickets and then you can just pay me back little by little. It’s fine if we do it that way, I don’t mind that. 

Lowry: Well first, how much are the front row seats that you’re thinking about? 

Espinal: They were like $800 when I looked, which I feel like is good ’cause it’s like under a thousand. Like some people are spending $2,000-$3,000 on their tickets. So I feel like $800, if we get it under a thousand, like I thought, I didn’t think it was gonna be that cheap. I thought it was gonna be more. So that’s why I’m down to just like buy them and that way we know we have our spots up front. And again, like if you pay me back little by little, I know it’s a lot all at once, but if you’re okay paying little by little, I’m okay with that too.

Lowry: Okay, I really wasn’t planning to spend that much money. So when I was looking at the tickets online, I was seeing the ones that were maybe more like $75 that were closer to the back. Like that’s kind of what I’m comfortable spending. What do you think about that? 

Espinal: I mean, you could give me $75 to start. And I don’t mind like, if you pay me little by little. I don’t, you don’t have to give me more than $75 right away. But I just feel like if we’re gonna have the experience, like don’t you, don’t you wanna be like upfront, I wanna get the full experience so we can be really close to the stage, you know what I mean? 

Lowry: I feel like being there is part of the experience, right? Like we’re still there, we’re hearing her, we’re seeing it, we’re around all the other fans the same way. $800 is just way more than I am able, even with an installment plan to you. I gotta save up for books for first semester next year, and that’s about the cost of paying for my books. And I just, you know, my parents can’t help me out on this front so it could take me like a year to pay you back and I’m just I’m personally not comfortable with doing that. One of the other options, and I know this isn’t ideal, but if you really want to sit in the front and we both just really want to go, we could get ready together, have fun getting ready, get there together, and just sit in different places and then meet up afterwards and talk all about it and and go catch up about it after. 

Espinal: All right. Well I mean, that sounds kind of whack ’cause we won’t be together, but I get it. All right, let’s do that. Let’s just hang out beforehand. We’ll get ready, we’ll post Insta pics and then just like go and do the concert separate. But then we can link up after too and just like go hang out if you want. I’m down to do that.

Lowry: Yeah, I mean, we could even like FaceTime for part of it, right? Like that might be weird, but we could do it. People have their phones out the whole time. 

Espinal: All right, true, true, true. Okay, so let’s do that.

Espinal: All right, thanks for listening to today’s episode with Erin Lowry on uncomfortable money conversations. I hope this gave you a little bit more confidence to go talk about money more with the people in your life. I know you got this, and I’ll catch you next time.

Financially Inclined is brought to you by Marketplace from American Public Media, in collaboration with Next Gen Personal Finance. I’m your host, Yanely Espinal. Our Senior Producer is Zoë Saunders. Our Video Editor is Francesca Manto, and our Graphics Artist is Mallory Brangan. The podcast was edited by Katie Reuther. Gary O’Keefe is our Sound engineer. Bridget Bodnar is the Director of Podcasts. Francesca Levy is the Executive Director. Neal Scarbrough is the VP & General Manager of Marketplace. Our theme music is by Wonderly.

Financially Inclined is funded in part by the Sy Syms Foundation, partnering with organizations and people working for a better and more just future since 1985. And special thanks to the Ranzetta Family Charitable Fund and Next Gen Personal Finance for continuing to support Marketplace in its work to make younger audiences smarter about the economy.