We touch on fantasy sport every now and then, but today something just a little bit different. Instead of drafting his favorite actual players, comedian Greg Proops has put together his ideal business team for us — a CEO dream team, if you will:
Spring is here and the smell of green is in the air. Is anything more exciting than the thrill of getting in a rundown by government regulators or stealing homes from people who paid for them? Yesiree, a CEO baseball team has to be motivated, ruthless and mostly white guys. Let’s play ball.
Manager: John D. Rockefeller — Standard Oil
The gold standard for robber barons, Rocky can lead this feisty group to wins over strikers, whiners and nervous Nellies. Invented P.R to cover for his goons killing innocent women and children in a miners strike in Ludlow, if the crowd boos him he will make a nice gesture like buy Yellowstone or start a foundation. John J. will black gold.
1st Base: Steve Jobs — Apple
Super innovative at reaching for other people’s ideas. He can cover the first base with an eye to stealing second. Fearless umpire baiter, he will yell and scream to achieve his dream.
3rd Base: Eddie Lampert — Sears
The man who had the singular vision to sell Rolex watches at Sears. The Lamprey will hustle like no one else and if they lose. It is definitely not his fault — nothing ever is.
Shortstop: Tony Hayward — BP
Great at cleaning up big spills, he will cover loads of ground. After the BP explosion, he wanted his life back. He can go into the deep hole and feel good about himself.
Left field: Dick Costolo — Twitter
Let anyone yell whatever they like Dick can take it. The Big Twitt, as we know him, recognizes there is no way to keep fans from raining sexist, racist abuse and he seems cool with that — just as long as they keep it under 140 characters.
Center field: Lloyd Blankfein — Goldman Sachs
Blanksy is definitely President Obama’s favorite player. When a player gets paid this much he has to be good, right? He feels he is being punished for his success BY THE JEALOUS. Untouchable and arrogant or just well protected? BLANKSY WILL DOMINATE.
Right field: Jamie Dimon — JP Morgan
Bring him in front of the commissioner and he just laughs. The man who told Senator Warren, “So hit me with a fine. We can afford it,” gets the call to hold down right. Right field requires the strongest arm. The Dimon dog has got bark and bite, baby.
Catcher: Mike Jeffries — Abercrombie and Fitch
Not your old fashioned catcher, this field general will micromanage the game. He knows where everyone should play, what underwear they should wear and where his dogs sit on the private plane to the next game.
Starting pitcher: Jeff Bezos — Amazon
Brings the mad fastball via his drone like arm. Once named, “The World’s Worst Boss,” he will back you off the plate with high hard ones. Hell, he will buy all the scorecards and have his minions fill them in if necessary. Fans go Crezos for Bezos.
Concessions: Charles Johnson — Owner of the San Francisco Giants
So you shouldn’t think I am am playing favorites, the owner of the team I root for, the San Francisco Giants. Our ball yard features gourmet BBQ, garlic fries and cappuccino at the park. Mr. Johnson’s personal worth is somewhere north of $6.5 billion, but he makes sure the men and women who sell food and drink at the park get paid poverty wages. Keeps the costs down while providing awesome snacks. That is world class CEO-ing, way to hang swinging Johnson.
Equipment manager: Chip Wilson — Lululemon
No one gains weight on his watch. If you go up a size, Chip will blame your thighs. Motivates the clubhouse with some sassy Ayn Rand quotes, like, “to say ‘I love you,’ one must first be able to say the ‘I.'” then puts you in some tight, sheer stirrup pants. Chipper puts the “I” in team.
Greg Proops new book is called: “The Smartest Book in the World: A Lexicon of Literacy, A Rancorous Reportage, A Concise Curriculum of Cool.”
Images by Raghu Manavalan; Original photos: Wikimedia/Creative Commons