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How to buy the things money can’t buy

Marketplace Contributor Dec 26, 2014
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The Beatles were wrong. You CAN buy love! Satirists Sam Weiner and Daniel Kibblesmith tell us how to buy all the things you thought had to be earned. They are the authors of the book “How to Win At Everything.”

Some people think money can’t buy love, happiness, or a life free of regret – but they are dead wrong. Even priceless things have a price. Here’s how to buy the things that money supposedly can’t buy. 

Respect

How can you buy respect? Don’t waste long hours volunteering in your community and keeping promises to friends. You can buy respect by showing up everywhere wearing a solid gold suit of armor.

Friendship

What about friendship? Ensure your popularity by stocking your home with one of every video game console, one of every type of dog and replacing all your carpeting with those giant floor pianos from the movie “Big.”

The dogs will go nuts for it!

Love

You can even buy love, for what is love, but a series of electrical reactions in the brain? 

Pay a bunch of neuroscientists to develop an electrified baton that you can use to thwack people into falling in love with you.

Trust

Then there’s trust: Trust is often given freely – but that’s missing a huge business opportunity! You can charge friends a dollar apiece not to divulge their most intimate secrets.

Cha-ching! 

World Peace

Finally, there is one thing money truly cannot buy: world peace – unless of course you have a lot of money. With sufficient resources, you can finance a utopia of mandatory smiling classes, mood-repressing drinking water, and an army of jackbooted helpers to keep your populace from expressing even a hint of discontent. It’s economics 101.

Everything Else

The next time someone tells you there are things money can’t buy — remember, a $1,000 pair of noise-canceling headphones will shut that nonsense out of your head forever.

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