Comedians Sam Weiner and Daniel Kibblesmith are the authors of the book, “How to Win At Everything.” Every so often, they provide us with a humorous take on the news we cover every day at Marketplace. Here, they present their satiric guide to the season’s must have holiday gifts.
Every year brings a new wave of must-have holiday gifts, from Tickle Me Elmo in 1996 to the polio vaccine in 1956. But this season, the stakes are higher than ever — here are the holiday gifts your family literally cannot live without.
1. For your kids: They’re probably already begging you for their very own “Disney’s Frozen Sparkle Princess Elsa Doll.”
But what you might not realize is if your child is the only the kid at school without this coveted plaything, you’re dooming them to life as a social pariah. Friendless and desperate, their grades plummet. By age 10, your child will become addicted to huffing packing peanuts and selling their own eyelashes under a bridge, their sullen face caked with regret. They’ll wail long into adulthood the day you cursed them by buying them the wrong doll.
2. For Mom: Everyone’s talking about the new iPad Air 2 — it’s the must-buy gift to bring Mom into the 21st century.
And if you fail? Mom will start missing crucial email updates: engagement announcements, wedding invitations, and priceless photos of her first grandchildren. Soon, she’ll be entirely cut off from the family, focusing her love on an ever-expanding “family” of stray, feral cats. In no time, she’ll forget the English language entirely and start subsisting on a diet of leaves and injured birds. If only you’d gotten her that iPad, you’d still have a mom instead of a gibbering cat queen.
3. For your teens: Here’s a quick tip to remember which hot new video game console you have to buy for your teen:
“PlayStation 4, love evermore … Xbox One, lose your son.”
4. For the whole family: The gift your whole family desperately needs: A Sony 85-inch Ultra HD 3D television.
Without this glorious slab of distraction, your family will be condemned to the worst possible fate of the holiday season: Enjoying each other’s company.
Whatever you buy this holiday season whether toy, gadget or entertainment experience, remember that the real perfect gift is love — the love of buying things.