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By The Numbers

Rating Stefon’s favorite clubs for business viability

Mark Garrison May 17, 2013
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Comedian Bill Hader’s exit from “Saturday Night Live” after its season finale Saturday means the end of the line for his character Stefon. The club kid “correspondent” for Weekend Update usually drops in to share cultural recommendations.

Host Seth Meyers always prods him for traditional, family-friendly picks, but Stefon’s taste leans toward outré nightclubs with features like “pile after pile of expired Lunchables;” “Gizblow, the coked-up Gremlin;” and security provided by “an army of hobocops” – homeless robocops, Stefon helpfully explains.

Stefon’s clubs are fake, but how would they stack up as nightlife business plans? Longtime New York nightlife and gossip columnist Michael Musto gives us his take on a couple of Stefon’s favorite haunts.

Wesh

From Stefon: New York’s hottest club is Wesh. Nine-year-old Tokyo pimp Ichiaku Guro is back with an all-new hot spot that answers the question, WHAT?! This place has everything: trance, stilts, throw-up music, an albino that looks like Susan Powter, Teddy Graham people. (It’s that thing of like when a guy has the stumpy arms, but with the belly). 

Would it work?

Wesh could never exist, for various reasons, Musto says. Only the throw-up music is something you’ll routinely find in clubs, especially those in the Meatpacking District.

Crease

From Stefon: New York’s hottest club is Crease. Club promoter Tranny Oakley has gone all out, and inside it’s just everything: lights, psychos, Furbies, screaming babies in Mozart wigs, sun-burnt drifters with soap-sud beards. (It’s that thing when a hobo becomes a rich man, so they take the big bubble bath).

Would it work?Crease could never happen in NYC. Screaming babies in Mozart wigs? I’m in my 50s and even I’ve been refused admission because I’m not carrying the right ID.

Try your luck with our quiz!

Some of New York’s real clubs are almost outlandish enough to make Stefon’s report. Take our quiz to see if you can tell which clubs come from Stefon’s fertile imagination and which are real current or former New York nightlife destinations.

(By the way, we’re not saying the real ones are “New York’s hottest nightclubs.” We just chose them for their Stefonesque names.)

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