This year, as part of our election coverage, Marketplace is asking comedians what they think about the issues. We’ll be doing short bits by both underground and mainstream comics. Yes, the issues in this election are important and serious, but who says we can’t have a little fun?
Undecided voters of Ohio and Colorado, Virginia and Florida, Wisconsin and New Hampshire, I take this election seriously. If you have not picked a candidate yet, I assume you are someone who must live for the moment, ruled by their gut, whimsical and possibly distracted by loud noises and shiny objects.
If left alone in a voting booth, I am afraid you will panic. And if enough of you panic, freak out or show up high to the polls — in the same numbers which tipped the 2000 election when Ralph Nader ran — you might just vote for a cartoon cat. It will be disastrous. Some would say “cat-astrophic.” But I wouldn’t. I’d say disastrous.
That’s right. Hello Kitty is running for president. And you must not be swayed, you crazy undecided voter. Not even if your booth is filled with Hello Kitty-themed tinsel.
I know you’ll want to vote for her. Who wouldn’t? Little pink nose, whiskers, running on a platform of “happiness, friendship, and fun.” Sure, she’ll promise you the moon, but can she deliver? She’s a cat without a mouth!
Forget China and Iran, what’s America’s biggest threat? Frowns. And the cat’s only solution so far is to turn them upside down.
Who would she appoint to the Supreme Court? Pro-hug judges who will shift the court’s balance? Japanese businessmen? People who are cute?
Hello Kitty does support FEMA — but only because it has the same letters as “fame.” And that’s exactly what she wants.
I implore you undecided voters. Choose one of the two humans instead. The black one or the white one, I don’t care which. Just don’t tank this when you’re in the booth. Elect someone you actually believe in.
There’s a lot happening in the world. Through it all, Marketplace is here for you.
You rely on Marketplace to break down the world’s events and tell you how it affects you in a fact-based, approachable way. We rely on your financial support to keep making that possible.
Your donation today powers the independent journalism that you rely on. For just $5/month, you can help sustain Marketplace so we can keep reporting on the things that matter to you.