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Nick Kroll’s two cents on the 99%, 47%, and the Take 5 candy bar

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This year, as part of our election coverage, Marketplace is asking comedians what they think about the issues. We’ll be doing short bits by both underground and mainstream comics. Yes, the issues in this election are important and serious, but who says we can’t have a little fun?

During this campaign, we’ve been inundated with numbers and percentages from both the media and the candidates alike. 99 percent, 5 trillion, 1 percent ,7 trillion, 47 percent, and it has left me 100 percent confused. So as they like to say on Marketplace, let’s do the numbers. Both candidates have about 50 percent of the popular vote, but the winner of Ohio will likely take the general election, even though the state only houses 3.7 percent of the country’s population. Now, full disclosure, there is a 60 percent chance that I did that math wrong, only because at any given moment my attention is at least 30 percent devoted to the number of followers I have on Twitter — and 10 percent focused on the Take 5 candy bar. If the Take 5 candy bar were running for President, it would receive like 110 percent of my vote.

At first, Mitt Romney said he wasn’t interested in 47 percent of the electorate because they didn’t pay taxes. Then he said he cared 100 percent about 100 percent of the people. I guess he was trying to pretend he wasn’t in the one percent even though his wife owned one horse in the 2012 Olympics. Obama, of course, is much better at seeming like the 99 percent, even though he’s written three books and has one Nobel Peace Prize. If that’s what 99 percent of us are like, then the Nobel folks are going to have to print like 300 million more medals.

Now, if you’re anything like me, 99 percent of your brain is on fire right now. I haven’t even mentioned Obama’s promise to not tax 97 percent of small businesses, or Romney’s pledge to cut income tax by 20 percent. Honestly, zero percent of me has any idea what any of these stats actually mean. 

I’m Nick Kroll, and that’s my two cents, which I could have used to buy 1/20th of a Take 5 candy bar. They have pretzels in them they’re so good.

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