Heard across the pond . . .
From the U.K …
Q: What’s the capital of Iceland?
A: About £3.50.
Q: How do you define optimism?
A: A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday.
Q: Why have estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning?
A: Because otherwise they’d have nothing to do in the afternoon.
Q: What’s the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
A: The pizza can still feed a family of four.
Q: What’s the difference between a merchant bank and Katie Price?
A: Both are institutions whose reputation is built on assets that, on closer inspection, turn out to be entirely artificial, vastly over-inflated and in danger of going through the floor at any moment. But, at least Katie Price is still worth something.
A lobbyist on his way home from Parliament is stuck in traffic. Noticing a police officer, he winds down his window and asks: “What’s the hold-up?”
The policeman replies: “The Prime Minister is so depressed he’s stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. He says no one believes he can get us through the credit crunch. So we’re taking up a collection for him.”
“How much have you got so far?” the lobbyist asks. The officer replies: “About 40 gallons, but a lot of people are still siphoning.”
The credit crunch has helped a lot of people get back on their feet. Their cars have been repossessed.
Q: What do you say to a hedge-fund manager who can’t sell anything?
A: Quarter-pounder with fries, please.
Overheard in a London bar: “This credit crunch is worse than a divorce. I’ve lost half my net worth and I still have a wife.”
The bank returned a check to me this morning, stamped: “Insufficient funds.” Is it them or me?
Q: What have an Icelandic bank and an Icelandic streaker got in common?
A: They both have frozen assets.
Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling and Peter Mandelson are flying to a world economic summit. Mandelson looks at Darling and chuckles: “You know, I could throw a £50 note out of the window right now and make one person very happy.”
Darling shrugs his shoulders and says: “Well, I could throw five £10 notes out of the window and make five people very happy.”
Brown says: “Of course, but I could throw 10 £5 notes out of the window and make 10 people very happy.”
The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them, and says: “I could throw all of you out of the window and make the whole country happy.”
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