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Listeners on wedding gift requests
Wedding cake
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TESS VIGELAND: At the end of last week's show, we took a look at the do's and don'ts of asking for wedding gifts. Specifically, the cash kind. We asked Emily Yoffe to give us her perspective. She's also known as "Dear Prudence" at Slate.com And here's what she said about diving for dollars as you say "I do."
Emily Yoffe: You just can't say, "Hey, don't go shopping for me. Here's my PIN number. Make a deposit."
Vigeland laughing
Prudie also frowned on listing gift registries on the wedding invitation. Well knock me over with a china set, you also had something to say about this. Here's a sampling.
Norris Wooten: I think asking for donations to charity is a great idea. But suggesting help with the wedding expenses or gifts to pay for a house is unforgivably rude.
Carla Willis: I think our modern era is in need of rethinking gift-giving etiquette, in an age in which we are overwhelmed with stuff.
Please Prudence, don't add to our problems. Help us find a way to politely help gift givers give something that will be appreciated and not something that will be a burden.
KC Cassidy: I received a wedding invitation and thought, "Thank heavens, they included a registry list." We are old, but out-of-town friends and spreading the word through family and friends would not have worked in this case. And as it turned out, we got them something she will appreciate every time she cooks.
JoAnne Archinal: I'm sorry, but I'm nearly 50, and I would much rather have an invitation that lists where the couple is registered and purchase them a gift from that registry. And if I don't make it to that store, I'll write them a check. It's easy, and you don't give someone something they do not want.
Vigeland: Those were listeners Norris Wooten, Carla Willis, KC Cassidy and JoAnne Archinal.
Crass, crass, crass. Dictating what type of gift is "acceptable" is nothing less than despicable. Since when are we duty bound to respond to such bad manners by running out and doing as we're told. Gifts are just that -- gifts. If you care enough to give one, you get to choose what it will be. The recipient can then choose how to interpret the gift and whether or not to keep it. End of dialog. And guess what??--if we find the request offensive, we don't have to respond (as in invites from near-strangers or those whose only contact with us is to pry a gift from us).
Just remember, it's not all about YOU. It's about a shared life experience, and gifts at life's milestones are a way to show affection, so it's terribly rude to even think of it from a material, non-personal perspective.
Asking for money is impolite, and misses the whole point of gift-giving. Sure, you may not always like the gifts that you get, and you may prefer cash, but don't forget that occasionally you may get something you never expected, but provide sentimental value for the rest of your life. You rule out that possibility if you ask for a gift certificate.
Purchasing a wedding gift IS a business transaction, and the last step is confirming receipt of the gift with the purchaser. The purchaser needs to know not only that the gift was received, but that it was the correct item and that it was received intact. A newlywed couple recently sent postcards bearing a beautiful wedding photo on the front with thank-you note on the back, a nice keepsake. BTW, received less than a month after the wedding.
A wedding is not a business transaction. It is simply not proper to list a gift registry on the invitation or make any solicitation of any kind regardless of its intent (charity). As a stationer, we have done hundreds of wedding invitations and not once have we included a gift registry on an invitation. There are many other ways to get the "gifting" particulars to your guests, but using the wedding invitation is not one of them.
