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Dear Prudence: Wedding gift etiquette?
Emily Yoffe, a.k.a. Slate's advice columnist "Prudence."
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TEXT OF INTERVIEW
TESS VIGELAND: Now, every so often we get a question from one of you where I think to myself, "I wish I could ask Ann Landers about this." Or maybe Dear Prudence at Slate.com. It's usually a question that's about money but not really about money. And we got one like that this week. Ursula contacted us from Surry, Maine, with a dilemma.
Ursula: My fiance and I would like to request that our friends not give gifts we do not need for our wedding, like dishes and china. If they decide in their generosity to give a gift, we want to ask that they contribute to a fund for something we want, like land or gift certificates. Is there an artful way to make this clear to our guests?
Now this is a question that I know Dear Prudence has answered more than once. So we called her up! Emily Yoffe, a.k.a. Prudence, welcome to the show.
Emily Yoffe: Thank you.
Vigeland: Now, I'm not going to pretend I don't know your thoughts on this. You are not a fan of these "give me cold hard cash" wedding registry, right?
Yoffe: When people are getting married, their friends and loved ones want to get lovely things for their home. They don't tend to want to get them a home.
Vigeland: Is it ever OK to put qualifiers on gift giving, really no matter what the occasion might be?
Yoffe: Well, there are ways to do it. First of all, let me just say, when you send the invitation that is not the place to specify the gift. The money question is really touchy and hard. It's probably best if the word gets put out by other people in the family -- "Look, they're paying off their student loans" or "they're saving for a house" -- so if you feel moved to write them a check, of course they'd appreciate it. But you just can't say, "Hey, don't go shopping for me. Here's my PIN number, make a deposit."
Vigeland: That's so romantic, isn't it? You know, you mention the invitations, and I will say that I did receive a wedding invitation one time that listed the gift registry. It didn't ask for cash, but it did actually list the gift registry. And you're saying "nuh uh" to that as well.
Yoffe: Well, how did you feel when you got that?
Vigeland: I thought, "Oh, well I guess that's the price I pay for going to the wedding."
Yoffe: Thank you, yes, exactly. You thought, "Oh! Price of admission." That's not the feeling you're supposed to get when you get a wedding invitation.
Vigeland: But I suppose the argument is that we live in modern times, a lot of couples already live together, they've got things like blenders and towels. So, what should a guest do in that case?
Yoffe: How is it ever wrong to go out and say, "You know, I'm so happy they're getting married. I want to get them this beautiful pitcher, so every time they pour their juice or milk with it, they'll think of me and I'll imagine them enjoying it." I mean, that is part of the pleasure; it's not just an economic exchange.
Vigeland: All right, well Ursula, there you go. Dear Prudence says maybe you should be a little more prudent about all this, right?
Yoffe: Enjoy everyone's good wishes, even if it takes a physical form of a blender.
Vigeland: Emily Yoffe is Dear Prudence at Slate.com. It's been awfully fun. Thanks so much for joining us.
Yoffe: My pleasure.
Vigeland: OK, what's your reaction to requests for gifts of cold hard cashola? Tell us at Marketplace.org. And no, you do not have a year to write us a thank-you note.
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I think there might be some generational differences going on here. Many of my friend recently out of college who have getten married, and who have paid for their own weddings, have listed the registry on the invitation. They have even specified that they would prefer used goods for their home or donations to a cause they are passionate about. If you are doing something like this, then it is perfectly practical to put in on the wedding invitation. There is no such thing as "the feeling you're supposed to get" from a wedding invitation. Its a functional card giving information about dates and times, so why not put the other relevant information on their too? There is no sense requiring some other additional mailing for the registry information, especially in this economy! I think Dear Prudence has some antiquated notions about wedding etiquette.
I'm a regular listener of your show and I love it! I have a bachelors in finance and I applaud your efforts to breakdown personal financial matters into language that everyone understands, including finance majors. Although I agree with her on not asking for money outright on the invitation, I wanted to give a respectful thumbs down to Prudence's advice on registries. Weddings are expensive for everyone involved. It is definitely the responsibility of the couple-to-be to include items on the registry that fit a variety of budgets. When we had our wedding, we were appreciative of all gifts but most things that we received that weren't on the registry were returned or donated. By the way, I am not affiliated with target, Crate & Barrel, or any other company that uses registries.
To answer the "how is it ever wrong..." question, I'd like to offer my own situation. My wife and I live in a two-bedroom apartment built in the 1930s. It's a beautiful art-deco apartment and we adore it and intend to stay until we buy a home. However, it's still an apartment and space is limited. We got married this summer, but postponed the ceremony until this coming fall.
I am terrified that people are going to try to give us gifts. The thought of our friends and family all buying us more things to start our life with is a miserable prospect. We simply don't have a home to put anything in, but the sentiment is beautiful and I don't want to seem ungrateful by sending anything back. In the end, any traditional gift given to us would only necessitate the rental of a storage unit.
My wife and I intend to ask that anyone who wishes to give us a gift contribute to a savings fund specifically intended to become a down-payment on a house.
Yes, it's a social faux pas. I recognize the validity of the argument. But the alternative is to cast aside the gift and thereby the sentiment. I would rather offend my loved ones briefly and have something of meaning in my life that constantly reminds me of their love than to have countless baubles and trinkets I can't help but despise for cluttering the life we're trying to start together.
We wanted cash more than anything for our wedding since we were buying our first home shortly after and already had all of the household items we needed from living together for 5 years before the wedding. We ended up registering online at myregistry.com because they will let you set up cash funds that you can name whatever you want (we called ours "down payment fund" and "renovations fund"). But unlike other sites that let you do this, this one also lets you add things to your registry from any place you want, so we did end up picking a few upgrade type items in case anyone was really against giving cash as a gift.
In the end, we mostly got cash and then a few other items (both from our registry and not). We were happy with anything people chose to give us and I think this was a very polite way to go about making your preferences known. Of course we didn't include any registry info in the invitations, and instead had a friend email eCards with a registry link to anyone who asked.
I thought this was interesting because in my viewpoint a guest's position should be considered. I have received the registry locations in an invitation, I appreciated knowing where to go, I don't like calling the bride to find out where to shop. I have been sent registries where I could not afford anything, two items under $50 and everything else $100-$350. I have also been informed of registries at shops I can afford, general life supplies at Target, Pier One, and Bed Bath and Beyond. It was helpful when I saw that I didn't have to go to an overpriced department store. I think Prudence had a point about letting word get out that the couple would prefer money, but some people might not be able to afford a nice monetary gift. When you give a registry gift, even an inexpensive one, it is a desired item. When you choose a gift the couple doesn't know the price, especially if it is from the heart. But if you give money then the couple and possibly others can become aware of your financial limitations or you might overstretch trying to hide financial limitations. Family can give money, but friends should not be expected to, finances and money can be tricky.
I totally disagree. I am in the age group in which all my nieces/nephews and children of friends are getting married.
1. I appreciate getting the 'registry' in a wedding invitation, rather than trying to figure out what to get the newly-weds
2. I am personally overwhelmed with 'stuff' that I've bought and gifts given to me...I really don't' have room for any more. I hate getting rid of gifts given with good intentions...so I wind up a personal dilema. I deplore the idea of giving pitcher that they probably won't use or want, adds to Their dilema AND only makes the Giver feel good!! I WANT to HELP newly-weds by giving a gift they will help them in their new life together. I tend to give cash.
3. I think our Modern Era is in need of rethinking 'gift-giving Etiquette' in an age in which we are overwhelmed with Stuff. Please, Prudence, don't add to our problems, help us find a way to politely help gift-givers give something that will be appreciated...and not something that will be a burden.
It is NEVER acceptable to ask for a gift, let alone specify a gift! Before I got married, people did ask me what I'd like as a gift, and I simply told them that absolutely no gifts are requested other than their presence. When I got married, I must admit I was lucky, because most people gave me cash. But I did get tens of other gifts, some of which I liked and kept, some of which I returned for credit (many gifts contain a receipt for this purpose!)and some which I gave away! But of course all the gift givers received a detailed, sincere, thank-you note! I could have worse problems than receiving an ugly candy dish from a dear old friend.
I am relieved to know that Ms. Yoffe feels similarly. I also feel offended when I receive a list of expected gifts before a shower, especially when it comes to me at work! If I'm being told what to buy someone, I should at the least receive an invitation at my home!But of course that's another issue...
I personally don't mind being asked for a cash or registry present. I have a cousin who recently started her second marriage. For her first I gave her a carefully chosen, personal gift which she still enjoys. She and her new husband are both about 40 so they have all the blenders and towels they need. They asked for donations to pay for their honeymoon and used mine for a tour when they got to Belize.
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