A 'letter' to Goldman shareholders
Writer and humorist Andy Borowitz
Bob Moon: Look who's occupying Wall Street: Never mind the cost-cutting and layoffs, or the prospect of smaller bonuses. The Wall Street Journal reports the financial industry has hired more Ivy League MBA grads this year than it has since the economy tanked four years ago.
Today, by the way, marks Day 34 of the real Occupy Wall Street. For the most part, the banks have stayed quiet about that open-ended protest, but comedians have not.
And so we bring you commentator and humorist Andy Borowitz. He's written an unauthorized response -- that means purely fictional -- on behalf of Goldman Sachs.
Andy Borowitz: Dear Investor,
Up until now, Goldman Sachs has been silent on the subject of the protest movement known as Occupy Wall Street. That does not mean, however, that it has not been very much on our minds. As thousands have gathered in Lower Manhattan, passionately expressing their deep discontent with the status quo, we have taken note of these protests. And we have asked ourselves this question:
How can we make money off them?
The answer is the newly launched Goldman Sachs Global Rage Fund, whose investment objective is to monetize the Occupy Wall Street protests as they spread around the world. At Goldman, we recognize that the capitalist system as we know it is circling the drain -- but there's plenty of money to be made on the way down.
The Rage Fund will seek out opportunities to invest in products that are poised to benefit from the spreading protests, from police batons and barricades to stun guns and forehead bandages. Furthermore, as clashes between police and protesters turn ever more violent, we are making significant bets on companies that manufacture replacements for broken windows and overturned cars, as well as the raw materials necessary for the construction and incineration of effigies.
It would be tempting, at a time like this, to say "Let them eat cake." But at Goldman, we are actively seeking to corner the market in cake futures. We project that through our aggressive market manipulation, the price of a piece of cake will quadruple by the end of 2011.
Please contact your Goldman representative for a full prospectus. As the world descends into a Darwinian free-for-all, the Goldman Sachs Rage Fund is a great way to tell the protesters, "Occupy this." We haven't felt so good about something we've sold since our souls.
Moon: That was pure satire from Andy Borowitz, creator of the Borowitz Report. His latest book is called "The 50 Funniest American Writers*: An Anthology of Humor from Mark Twain to The Onion."