A papal conclave will assemble in the Vatican in a couple of weeks. And while many believe the successor to the current Pope should be a cardinal with experience in church affairs, there's at least one man out there who feels he's got what takes to lead the Catholic Church.

McSweeney's contributor John Ortved says he thinks he's up to the challenge.

While I have never studied Catholicism per se, I have several credits in World Religions and, as the intern supervisor at the prominent, Oakland law firm of Russ, Davies & Chalmers will confirm, I am a quick study. Additionally, I have noted your organization’s expanding client base in South America. This is an area in which I am well versed, after spending an entire semester in Buenos Aires, where I became intimately acquainted with the people, their food and their culture.

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