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How I fell into a romantic recession
Lori Gottlieb is the author of the book "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough."
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TEXT OF COMMENTARY
Lori Gottlieb: As we examine the causes of the economic downfall -- denial, pie-in-the-sky idealism, greed -- it might be a good time to look at how these mistakes apply to our love lives.
TESS VIGELAND: Just in time for Valentine's Day, commentator Lori Gottlieb looks at how she got herself into a romantic recession.
Gottlieb: Back in my twenties, there seemed to be a huge supply of single men out there -- men my age, divorced men twice my age, widowers three times my age. I mean, who doesn't want to date a 25-year-old? And with all this supply of interested men, I thought, "Why should I date the guy in the next cubicle at work? Why not hold out for my version of George Clooney?"
Then, as I entered my thirties, the supply and demand curve shifted. My value went down, while the value of guys my age went up. But I didn't adjust. I didn't realize that setting my price point too high would create a dating bubble that, like the housing market, was bound to pop. There was no Fed Chairman overseeing romance to come in and say, "You've got to tighten up your credit here. You're inflating your value, and besides Prince Charming doesn't exist." Well, OK, my mother said that, but I didn't listen. Which is exactly how I ended up in a romantic recession.
Left to my own unregulated devices, I ignored the costs of pursuing some unrealistic romantic payday. First, there were the sunk costs -- all the time, money, and emotional reserves invested in a series of super exciting guys with more style than substance. I'd share the details of my childhood, spend weeks making cheesy mix tapes and live through the holidays with his parents -- only to realize these guys were, well, overrated. They had charm, but they lacked longevity.
Then there were the opportunity costs -- the price I paid for not being available to meet more appropriate men, because I stayed too long with the cool musician who never called when he said he would.
Other times I sold too early: I broke up with guys who turned out to be fabulous husbands to other women, but they hadn't reached their peak market value when I was dating them. Back then, stability was as sexy as shares of IBM. And like every sucker in an economic boom time, I invested heavily in risky, volatile stocks even though those rarely turn out to be good long-term investments.
Of course, all the signs indicated that things weren't going well, but I chose to look the other way. Nearing forty and still single, I didn't want to admit that I was on the verge of romantic collapse.
In reality, I completely lost sight of what actually would have made me happy: I should have slowly built up equity with one really good, but imperfect, partner over the years. I was just like those folks at Goldman Sachs who got carried away with dreams of bigger dollar signs and didn't appreciate what they had until it was too late.
So all I'm saying is, invest responsibly in your love life. Because you won't get a $700 billion bailout to compensate for your dopey mistakes. You'll just get another night of eating takeout in front of the TiVo with your cats. And that's no way to spend Valentine's Day, is it?
Vigeland: Lori Gottlieb's new book is "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough."
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Witty,funny and true. I agree with Tom G that many women including some of my friends, are mediocre in almost every way (looking at them realistically)and yet they feel entitled to treat men poorly,and demand way too much from them. They expect not a human man but a man thought of by Hollywood screenwriters. They want it all, point and pick at guys yet they fail to see their own faults or live in reality when it comes to relationships.
To: By J. Z. From St. Cloud, MN, 02/13/2010 With all due respect: What she has said is TRUE: whether we like to admit or not. Women lose their value as they age - as my friend Shanci once said - Women do not age gracefully - sad but very true.
Lori Gottlieb’s metaphor was witty and entertaining… who’d have thought to compare romantic relationships to the economy? Hats off to her for her creativity.
However, her message of settling for “Mr. Good Enough†concerns me, and I’m glad I didn’t hear it 10 years ago when I was 26. At the time I was dating a good guy my family loved, but who wasn’t my soul mate. Nothing was wrong, but it just wasn’t “rightâ€. Many of my friends were getting engaged and I was really feeling the pressure.
I ended up braking up with Mr. Good Enough with the faith that I would eventually meet my true life partner. A few years later I followed my dream of living in Italy for a year, and two months after I arrived I met the love of my life.
Had I settle for Mr. Good Enough, as Gottlieb suggests, today I’d probably be a desperate housewife heading off on my third affair. Instead, I’m happily married to my soul mate and best friend… and the joy of being with the right one is beyond words.
For all the single ladies out there, the Italians have a great expression: “Meglio sola che male accompagnata.†Loosely translated: “Better alone than with the wrong partner.â€
P.S. I’ve listed Huntington, NY (which is where I grew up) because there were no options to select anything outside the U.S. (I live in Italy). Marketplace, please add more options for your international listeners!
There isn't *enough* pressure on young women to get married. I'm a guy in my mid 40s. About half the women I've known for a few decades were waiting for a rock star to marry them. Now they're miserable, barren, and drunk most of the time.
Don't buy into the "you go girl!" garbage. A woman's fertility drops off a cliff at 35 or so. If you couldn't find a rock star when you were 21 you sure won't find one when you are 32.
I am pleased to hear so many young women speaking out on this article. There is way too much pressure on women today to not only settle for a man, but to stress out about any number of things. I am married and I married young but I admire women who take a different path in life. Also...and this makes me so mad...why does the worth of a woman go down with age while the worth of a man goes up? Doesn't this translate to a woman is only as good as she looks? There are a lot of unattractive women who marry and have kids and there are a lot of beautiful older women but as long as this myth perpetuates that women are no more than the sum of their looks, women will not progress. Women..wake up! We are only hurting ourselves by continuing these myths.
I've known a number of women who, although utterly mediocre in almost every category, had a fervent sense of entitlement as far their certainty of landing a "real catch" for a husband. And I bump into them now (years later) and they're absolutely shocked they're still unmarried (a fate I predicted long ago). It's like watching an untalented "American Idol" contestant who couldn't hit a note with a baseball bat nonetheless thinking she stands a chance of being the next Alicia Keys. Delusional and pathetic. And even kind of offensive in its way.
Sad. Seriously, Lori Gottlieb? As a 30something woman, not anywhere near close to married, I've had the tremendous fortune (all coming from personal choices made)to live, work and travel in over 10 countries, have a huge network of amazing friends, volunteer, do yoga, spend money on healthy food, massage, (and did I mention travel?), take long and glorious naps whenever I feel like it, read, write, dance and play. Next weekend? A group of 40+ friends getting together to mix music, dance, catch up, share food and laughter. New Year's 2010...oh, just a trip to Rio in the mix. OK. As far as needing a partner for financial reasons: get a roommate! Invest in solar panels! Stop wracking up your credit card on things you don't need at Target, ride your bike more, learn to cook! Settling? No one is perfect. ...but it's not about finding just any old person to impale yourself on their life with, it's about finding a person who matches your essence. They won't be perfect--they'll snore, shit, get sick, not meet your every demand or fulfill your existential loneliness, but if you aren't at least attracted to them and they to you........really? You'd marry them, just to.......get married? Sad! (seriously, Lori Gottlieb!) Someone to care about you when you're old? Do you know how many people live 5-10-15+years ALONE because their spouse has already passed on. Then they join up with other people their age, join clubs, read, go to sing-a-long in their retirement communities. I used to volunteer in an assisted living community where 80 year olds were FLIRTING like mad. Love and sex don't change just 'cuz you're old! To all of you pathetic thinkers out there who due to your own lack of ability to question dominate paradigms, fear, insecurity, desperation, conservative religious beliefs, or nagging relatives in the exurbs, GET A LIFE! Life is so amazing! I just went zip lining and caving in South America a few weeks ago and had a fun group of friends to travel with. What I didn't have was some annoying, jealous guy with and (as Gottlieb puts it "an unfortunate nose") to bring me down while I was there--or worse, not want me to go on the trip. Travel not your thing? Fine--but there's a lot more to do than sitting home alone on your couch. If that's what you're doing, then that's YOUR PROBLEM. If you desire a marriage, fine...but go out! Start looking inside yourself, find out who you are, what you want, and wait until someone comes along that matches you on a spirit level. You know it when you find it (by the way, there's not just ONE person, there's many as we change and evolve thru the course of our lives)Or stay in and read your favorite book, whip up a tasty meal, research something that interests you. Help someone. Be grateful for the delicious beauty and freedom in your life! stop comparing yourself, or feel like you're DIMINISHED because you're past a certain age--this is logic I honestly cannot even relate to because it's so completely and utterly toxic and ridiculous. And finally: as another reader points out, a 'relationship' can often be one of the loneliest, darkest, most draining places you can find yourself (whether male or female.) Hopefully that's not the case, but for the idea that marriage is going to ensure that someone cares about you when your old, as well as completely erase every bit of your loneliness and angst now, is such a dangerous fallacy. If you want to marry, fine. It's certainly a fine thing to. But don't SETTLE! cripes! Surrender...accept.....love in spite of.....maybe. but settle?
Although quite sociable and not dateless in high school, I was shy and definitely often experienced being the nice guy finishing last as some of the hottest girls bypassed me for cocky guys. I got over my shyness in college and got the beautiful girls I wanted. And when home last Christmas, I ran into some of the hot high school girls...some of whom are no longer attractive and who at Christmas were really pursuing me aggressively...and all I could think was, "You weren't charitable toward in high school when I was shy, why should I be charitable toward you now that you're past your prime?" You reap what you sow.
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