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Cash under the mattress

Stuffing money in the mattress

TEXT OF STORY

Kai Ryssdal: We've been talking today about one of the worst casualties of the financial crisis: our trust, and Americans losing confidence in the stock market.

Tess Vigeland: But the Marketplace Players are here to remind us there's always one venerable financial institution we can depend on -- if it danes to accept our business.


The Marketplace Players:
BRENDAN NEWNAM as the Guy; EVE TROEH as the Gal; RICO GAGLIANO as the Mattress; JOHN RABE as the Piggy Bank and STACEY VANEK-SMITH as the Change Jar

Man: Honey, I'm back. It's done. I got our life savings out of the bank, in cash.

Woman: Oh, thank God. Quick -- stuff it in the mattress.

Man: OK.

Mattress: Hold it right there, buddy-boy.

Woman: Oh my God!

Man: The mattress is talking...

Mattress: Yeah. I got sumpin' to say!

Woman: This is weird.

Mattress: Shut your squawkbox! You punks got some nerve coming 'round to ol' Uncle Mattress after all these years. Whyntcha go put your money back in them new-fangled "stock markets," huh?

Man: Look, everyone told us you were a bad investment.

Woman: They said we needed to beat inflation!

Mattress: "They?" Who are "They?" If "They" told you to jump off a bridge would you do it?

Man: Actually, yeah, we kinda did.

Woman: Financially speaking.

Mattress: Meanwhile, I been right here. Yearning to keep your money safe. Hearin' you jabber on 'bout 401(k)s and IRAs and XYZ PDQ's, catching your drool with my ol' raggedy pillows while you dreamed of 10 percent returns on your investment and sugarplums and... (sobs)

Woman: Don't cry...

Mattress: I ain't crying! (sniffles) But I tell you what: you wanna put your money under this mattress, there's gonna be some changes.

Woman: Like what?

Mattress: First off, I seen you eyeing that new Craftmatic Adjustable.

Man: We were only window shopping...

Mattress: Hey, I may be a mattress, but I ain't blind! From now on, I'm the only bed in this relationship. And you're gonna tell the kids I ain't a trampoline! And know what else? I got an agreement now with Piggy Bank over there...

Piggy Bank: Yeah, how about feeding me once in a while, ya jerks?!

Mattress: ...And Mrs. Change Jar.

Change Jar: You have left me feeling empty!

Mattress: You put some money in me, you gotta put some in them. And we reserve the right to invest that cash in under-regulated mortgage-backed debt obligations just as long as we disclose it to you in impenetrable legalese and business-speak!

Woman: But that's how the banks failed!

Piggy Bank: Exactly! And then the government will bail us out!

Change Jar: And we'll be stuffed with billions of taxpayer dollars!

Mattress/Piggy Bank/Change Jar: Hooray!

Man: This is a nightmare.

Mattress: Hey, you made your bed, now lie in it.

Mattress/Piggy Bank/Change Jar: (Laughter)

Mattress: Seriously, lie in me -- it's what I live for.


Vigeland: Rico Gagliano wrote our sketch.

About the author

Rico Gagliano is the host of Dinner Party Download.

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