Opinion: Why I'm voting for Mitt Romney
A campaign sign showing support for Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney sits along a rural road near Elkhorn, Wis.
This year, as part of our election coverage, Marketplace is asking comedians what they think about the issues. We’ll be doing short bits by both underground and mainstream comics. Yes, the issues in this election are important and serious, but who says we can’t have a little fun?
This was the moment where I officially gave up on President Obama:
Barack Obama: There are a lot of points I want to make tonight, but the most important one is that 20 years ago, I became the luckiest man on Earth because Michelle Obama agreed to marry me.
Really? Your anniversary is the most important point you want to make tonight? You don't want to start the first debate with some Afghanistan or Obamacare or filibustering? The most important thing you have to do is make a cutesy joke with Michelle?
Mr. President, I don't need to know when your anniversary is, I don't even know when my anniversary is. Mostly because my girlfriend is imaginary. But what I do need to know is why I should vote for you. But you won't be getting to that until debate number two.
Barack Obama is cool. He's never in a rush and he looks great in a pair of blue jeans. When Mitt Romney puts on blue jeans, he looks about as comfortable as a rhinoceros. But I don't care. I don't need a cool guy. I need a dorky guy who's got a bunch of dorky sons who's spent most of his dorky life in front of a calculator figuring out how to make a ton of dorky money. Because that guy gets stuff done.
Here's what his critics say about Mitt: He will change, he will twist, he will alter. He's like Gumby except a Mormon and with more gel in his hair. He wants to win and he'll do whatever it takes. Obama spent four years trying to build consensus and be agreeable and didn't win much of anything.
We've already had a lackluster four-year relationship with the president. Now it looks like we might break up with him, and he's making a lot of promises. But we all know what happens when you get back together with an ex. It starts out great, and then in two weeks, they're back to stealing money from your wallet and hooking up with your best friend.
Or maybe that's just me. But the point is, we know what we're going to get from Mr. Obama. A lot of charm, inspiration and moderate results. So maybe it's time we give the other guy a shot. Because we know he'll fight dirty. And I'd rather see four more years of that, than four more years of Happy Anniversaries.
Check back for more commentaries about the election from comedians including Nick Kroll, Andy Kindler and Tamara Federici.